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I need to weep and wail...

(48 Posts)
PictureThis Sat 24-Oct-09 11:41:37

Yesterday afternoon, my beautiful, wonderful, invincible Mum told me she has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. She was being investigated for gall stones and it was during the ultra sound scan, shadows were noted on her liver. Further tests have shown she has multiple metastises (secondary tumours) on her liver which are inoperable. She is going to have a colonoscopy next thursday as the general feeling is she has got a primary tumour in her bowel. Palliative treatment has been discussed but she is very clear that this will not cure her of the cancer. She is such a brave woman. She has managed to keep all this to herself until now. She hasn't wanted to worry any of the family. She has even kept it from my Dad and they are such a close team.
We are all utterly utterly devastated. She is only 61 and I can't bear the thought of losing her. I'm now a MW but worked as an RN many moons ago and I know potentially how little time she has left. She hasn't gone into the realms of life expectancy with her consultant yet and I'm certainly not going to tell her.
My DH and my Dad have been away and only came back this morning. My poor Dad crumpled when Mum told him...I've never seen him cry before. Never in a million years did I think that either of my parents would be going this soon and that I would have the need to write anything on this thread.

My parents haven't told my brother or my two sisters yet but I have promised Mum that I will be strong and support them and be what ever she needs me to be.

Of course we are going to make the most of the time we have left but I keep getting side swiped by grief. I have a photo of me, Mum and Dad in a frame on the landing and yesterday when I glanced at it, it suddenly hit home that in a few months this is all we're going to have left.

I apologise for the long ramble

bradsmissus Sat 24-Oct-09 11:47:34

So sorry for this sad news picture. Nothing wise to say except I hope you find the strength you need to get through this. You sound like you have a wonderful family. Be kind to yourself.

Tortington Sat 24-Oct-09 11:50:55

oh my god, i am so terribly terribly sorry.

kid Sat 24-Oct-09 11:51:54

I am sorry to hear your news, what a sad situation to be in. I can't offer any words of comfort, but I didn't want to ignore your post. If you have to be strong for your family, please make sure you have someone looking our for you x

ShowOfHands Sat 24-Oct-09 11:54:27

I am so sorry. It's a cruel disease.

I hope you have somebody to support you through this. She sounds like such a strong and brave lady your Mum and I have a feeling from your words that you take after her a little.

I hope you have the chance to make even more beautiful memories and I am truly sorry you've been given this terrible news.

piratecat Sat 24-Oct-09 11:56:14

Picturethis,

I am so so sorry. I really cannot imagine what it must be like having to come to terms with this, and like you say the mixed emotions of one minute thinking of the time left, and the next the grief that brings.

shit.

mumblechum Sat 24-Oct-09 11:57:10

Very sorry, Picture.

I hope the next few weeks or months are precious and that you can find some happy times before your mum passes.

hippipotamiHasLost72lbs Sat 24-Oct-09 11:58:41

So very sorry.

InThisSequinBraYesYouOlaJordan Sat 24-Oct-09 12:02:33

I'm really sorry you have had such terrible news, please make sure you have lots of people supporting you and helping you in whatever way you need.

SoloDonsHerPointyHat Sat 24-Oct-09 12:13:30

Sorry that you are going through this. My own dear Dad passed away two months ago from terminal cancer of the lung and we were told 10 months prior.
It is a tough time, but you need to be strong for your Mum. Positive thinking can be a huge weapon and is something my Dad couldn't do. You can stay positive for your Mum. Make plans with her, try to get her out and visiting friends and family...make memories PictureThis and you wont regret a minute of it. I certainly don't.

I know this wont be a conversation that you will want to have, but ask your Mum what she'd like for her send off whenever that may be. It was the hardest question and chat that I instigated with my Dad, but it left me in no doubt of what he wanted. It was a wonderful day.

I hope that you get great support from your sibblings as well as giving them your support.
I do wish you all the best.

PictureThis Sat 24-Oct-09 12:47:35

thank you all. I will be strong for Mum and we will have plenty of fabulous memories. We are going to Florida for a week in a fortnights time, a holiday her Consultant has said she must go on so we do have some good memories in the making ahead. But, at the moment I am constantly battling with the tears and feel that I am never going to be without this dreadful black heaviness in my chest.

DD and I stayed at my parent's house last night a) because Mum didn't want to be alone and b) because I needed to be with her too.
Mum was reading DD (2.7) a bedtime story and just listening to her brought a lump to my throat that wouldn't go away. I couldn't think of anything else but how much I am going to miss her and how DD won't remember my darling Mum.
Please just tell me these overwhelming emotions are normal and will become easier to keep in check. I just feel a little out of control I suppose

MmeGoblindt Sat 24-Oct-09 12:54:07

Oh, how incredibly sad. I am so so sorry.

I agree with SOH, your mum sounds like a wonderful woman and she is lucky to have such a fantastic family to support her in this worst of times.

Take care of yourself and treasure the moments that you have together.

RubysReturn Sat 24-Oct-09 13:09:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carocaro Sat 24-Oct-09 13:19:49

So sorry about this, hugging you via the www, please come and talk to us here where we can collectively hold you hand and pass you tissues. x

PictureThis Sat 24-Oct-09 13:24:15

all tissues and hand holding gratefully received. smilesad

mumofsatan Sat 24-Oct-09 13:30:08

I'm so sorry picture this, it must be a terrible time.
Please don't assume your DD won't remember her nanny. My lovely mother died in May when DD was 2.7. We live abroad and hadn't seen mum since Christmas, when DD was only 2.3. I had assumed that DD would not remember her nannie but she did. When we returned to our UK house to sort out the funeral DD went to the guest room where my mum used to stay and called it 'nannie's room' and has often talked about nannie, in fact just an hour or so ago she was talking about nannie being in heaven.
Try to ensure they have quality time together and get lots of photos of them together. One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't have many photos of us together, lots of mum on her own, but not many together.

Take care x

BecauseImWorthIt Sat 24-Oct-09 13:47:01

So sorry, PictureThis. It really isn't fair, is it? I lost my mum to advanced breast cancer just over 5 years ago. She was a very young, vital and optimistic 66 year old who had so much to live for.

Be kind to yourself. Take yourself off from time to time and have a scream, wail and a good cry - it will help and will make you feel better.

PictureThis Sat 24-Oct-09 13:49:28

Thank you mumofsatan, that is really comforting. My DD adores her 'MorMor'. In fact Mum was there with my DH when she was born and I took it for granted that she would be there to see DD and any future DD/DS's grow up. sadsadsad

missorinoco Sat 24-Oct-09 13:51:03

So sorry, weep and and wail all you want.
Unmumsnet-like hugs offered.

PictureThis Sat 24-Oct-09 13:51:11

BecauseImWorthIt you've summed it right up....it isn't bloody fair. It shouldn't be my Mum. She's too full of life, too young and we're simply not ready

mumofsatan Sat 24-Oct-09 13:58:35

of course you are not ready sweetheart, you'll never be ready but at least you can be prepared.
sadly my mum died 2 weeks before we were flying back to the UK so she could meet her new grandson. He was born abroad and we planned on returning to the UK when he was 4 months old. I had thought about returning sooner so she could see him but stupidly decided against it as thought we had 12 weeks together in the summer so lots of time to bond etc. We never got our 12 weeks in the summer sad

Life is shit, it is not fair, I'm gutted my little boy will never know his nannie. Be there for your mum but also get some help and support for you. Do you live close to her? Please try to spend as much quality time together as possible and get as many happy memories as you can for yourself and your DD

SquIDGEyeyeballs Sat 24-Oct-09 14:06:49

Oh crap I am so so sorry PictureThis. sad

My lovely strong healthy wonderful dad was diagnosed with a brain tumour April 2008 and died January 2009 at the age of 60. I remember the day my brother phoned to tell me he had cancer, I felt like I'd been hit by a truck and then every time I thought about it was like being hit again.

It's such a horrible situation to be in, take each day at a time and draw close to those you love and who support you. There is no time for people who only take from you and don't give. Focus on your wonderful family and enjoy making and sharing those special times to remember later.

Sending you a big hug and some tissues.

GibbonWithAnAppleBobbingBibOn Sat 24-Oct-09 14:09:47

Am so, so sorry PictureThis sad

kid Sat 24-Oct-09 14:29:22

From my little experience of death, the pain does ease. It could take weeks, months or even years but with time, the pain does ease.
Don't expect too much from yourself, if you need to cry. It will make you feel a bit better rather than bottling it all up.

Everyone says that time is a great healer, its true, time is a great healer.
The only advantage of knowing whats to come is that you get to treasure each moment and make lots of wonderful memories.

ohfuschia Sat 24-Oct-09 14:37:47

You already know the value of the time you have together, which is so important to treasure as you are already doing. This is something that happens to you, out of your control, and it is just the worst feeling. Something that comforted me when I lost my Mum was when I was talking to a friend about how I was having trouble coming to terms with it, saying 'but your mum is the one who is always there, no matter what, always happy to hear from you, never would rather be carrying on with what they were doing before you phoned' etc, and she said 'no, that's not all mums, that was your mum, that was what you had'. And it made me feel grateful that I did have such a wonderful mum. I still feel that it was so unfair (I was five months pregnant with my first child) and that I wasn't ready (not that I think you ever are) but those thoughts do help sometimes.

Am just so sorry you and your family are having to go through this, I hope you have longer together than you think, and your mum feels as good as she can. So sorry again.

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