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struggling to cope

(13 Posts)
mumofsatan Fri 23-Oct-09 05:24:15

Its exactly 5 years today since I lost my dad and also 5 months today since mum died. Feeling really lonely and sad.
I can remember vividly the awful drive 5 years ago at 6am to my mum's house to break the news to her. She had only been discharged from hospital the day before dad died so the doctors decided to phone me instead of her when dad died at 3am. Has to be one of the worst things I've ever had to do.

The pain of losing dad had eased over the years but think since mum died in May its triggered the grief for dad as well as for mum.

To make things worse, DH is being an arse. Yesterday it seems he deliberately started two really horrible arguments and basically said last night that our marriage was over and I was being 'sent home' in a few weeks time. I gave up my career, my friends, my life basically to move abroad with him for his work and now the rug is being pulled from under me again.
Feel very lonely as we live in his company accommodation and therefore all my friends are the wives of his colleagues which makes it hard to have 'real' friends that you can confide in here.
Don't think I've ever felt so lonely. Keep wanting to pick up the phone to call mum as she was my best friend.
DH slept in the spare room last night and not seen him yet but I've been up for hours with the baby.
Those that 'know' me (under my normal MN name) may remember that when mum died he was really quite unkind, nasty thoughtless comments the day she died and the following days. Can't understand that he can be so cruel as if he is trying to make my pain worse

overmydeadbody Fri 23-Oct-09 06:23:27

Oh gosh you poor thing. I have no real words of wisdom to offer, just my sympathies.

Am glad this isn't your usual posting name, was going to suggest you change it to something more positive.

What are the reasons your DH gives for it being over? Could it just be something said in the heat of the moment?

ohfuschia Fri 23-Oct-09 06:34:56

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, and so isolated. I can't help but just wanted you to know you are not alone right now in missing your mum so much, I lost my darling mum in March and the missing seems to be getting worse, not better. It was her birthday on Tuesday and the pain was so raw again, remembering, and is still with me. I've not slept much the last few days (also have a baby) so am not sure I could give you decent advice, but I do feel for you and hope someone will be along who can be more concrete help. But from what you've said the way your dh is behaving is unkind at the least, those I know who've struggled with loss with unsupportive partners have had the painful journey through it made so much harder. Must go now as baby asleep and I need to try to get more sleep myself, but will be thinking of you.

christiana Fri 23-Oct-09 06:47:22

Message withdrawn

mumofsatan Fri 23-Oct-09 07:01:33

thanks for your replies ladies.
We are in the Middle East so no chance of counselling (which I would have suggested if in the UK but imagine he would refuse to go as 'he doesn't have a problem')
No chance of me working here properly. Started a little job from home working with babies and toddlers literally 3 weeks ago and it is all up in the air now as have been threatened with being sent home. DH has so much control over my life that if he says I have to go, I have to go, I cannot stay here without his permission.

Seems the main problem is his obvious resentment of my two children from first marriage. He knew I had them when we met and took them on but now clearly resents them to the point that 18 months ago he gave me a 'her or me' ultimatum ref DD now aged 13. It was either send her to boarding school or our marriage was over. Stupidly, I sent her to boarding school and thankfully she is really happy and settled there.
Think the catalyst has been that her and her brother are coming out tomorrow for 2 weeks and he has made it clear he resents her still and resents 'funding her' even though myself and my ex are paying her school fees although he gets an allowance from his company which he claims towards the fees. He keeps rattling on about 'his' children going without as MY children are getting the school fees allowance even though our two DC are too young to go to school. Really don't understand what his problem is.

Baby is 8 months old and he is gorgeous and I swear it is him that is keeping me going, he is such a happy little man. Clearly didn't get that from his dad wink

Hadn't thought about a diary. I was doing one a few months ago but gave up on it. Ironically, I was doing a distance learning counselling course which involved a reflective diary but I had to put it on hold when mum died. Maybe I should think about carrying on with it now?

I was crying when I wrote my first post but actually feel a bit better. Its like having real friends that listen. Just can't talk to people here, hate living in a goldfish bowl where everyone gossips sad

Thanks again, you have helped more than you will know. Might try to find a florists near the cemetary and see if they can deliver to mum and dad's grave? Does that sound like an odd request. Think not being 'home' to visit the grave doesn't help

mumofsatan Fri 23-Oct-09 07:12:10

ohfuschia, so sorry about your mum and understand how hard it must have been on Tuesday for her birthday. I dread my dad's birthday every year and always go to the grave (its in the summer when I'm always back 'home') Am really dreading this Christmas as last year mum stayed with us as we were back in the UK. Also dreading my birthday on boxing day as that is the day she left to stay with my brother so it was the last time I saw her as went back abroad a few days later and then she died 2 weeks before I was due back to the UK for her to meet her new grandson.

I hope you managed to get back to sleep and am very jealous that you have a baby that sleeps.

christiana Fri 23-Oct-09 07:16:16

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christiana Fri 23-Oct-09 07:27:45

Message withdrawn

mumofsatan Fri 23-Oct-09 07:39:35

Thanks Christiana. On dad's birthday in July, just 6 weeks after mum's funeral I planted a rose bush on their grave (we can't get the headstone done for at least a year apparently) and also planted a 'matching' one at my UK home.

Just don't know what is happening at the moment, he is up now but not said a thing and just taken DC to park (its our weekend) I have to just wait til he tells me what happens. I'm here under HIS sponsorship so if he says I'm going home in 2 weeks I'm going home.

Will have to look at west wing. We watch a lot of dvd's here as tv is rubbish so will see if someone has that on dvd. I too like to read and find it helps to relax but am finding I'm so tired I tend to fall asleep after a few pages. I used to do a book in a few days, now it takes a few months if not longer.

tinkerbellesmuse Fri 23-Oct-09 07:49:30


I'm in the ME and can relate to your comments re life in a goldfish bowl. I have struggled since DS was stillborn in August as I find part of the problem here is always having to put a bright face on.

Where abouts are you - there is counselling available but you often have to search it out. I have seen someone in AD and have been recommended a more specific grief counsellor although I haven't seen her yet. I would be happy to pass the details on.

ohfuschia Fri 23-Oct-09 07:50:00

Not asleep yet (yawn emoticon )

The florists idea is lovely, I was making myself miserable last week thinking of how I'd usually be trying to find something nice for mum about then (of course she would have loved whatever I came up with), then I thought 'well there's nothing stopping me buying her a present'. So I went to the garden centre (another thing we liked to do together) and bought her some lavender which she loved, and also an angel ornament. The angel was holding a newly hatched chick and it reminded me of a story she had told me. She grew up on a farm and once caught the foot of a chicken in the barn door. A claw appeared broken, so she fashioned a splint out of matchstick and string and fixed it up, it healed well. It just reminded me of the compassion for all things which mum instilled in me, and also her curiosity in the world which she never lost. It made me feel so much better to take those things 'to' her, so I can understand how it is difficult for you when you can't visit. Before she died I never fully appreciated how a grave can be a comfort, if you feel that sending something to your parents would help then I think it would.

Your son sounds like a joy, as is mine :0, thank goodness for them, eh?

ohfuschia Fri 23-Oct-09 08:07:27

Wanted to say (before baby grabbed iPod) that the situation with your other children and your dh's attitude must also have caused you untold stress - as Christiana put, the amount you've had to deal with is huge. And my dp who has sadly lost both parents found it exactly as you said, his mother's death made him grieve for his father all over again.

I keep meaning to write things down too, I keep going over the last day and think it would help to get some of it out. For now I'm going to get up and make some tea, hopefully I'll catnap with the baby. Hope you are feeling better and today is a step forward.

mumofsatan Fri 23-Oct-09 08:09:56

tinkerbellesmuse, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Makes my complaining seem so very insignificant in comparison. My heart goes out to you. I can totally understand the lack of support there.
I'm in KSA and really not very much of anything here, apart from sand and sodding camels. If I am 'sent' home in the next few weeks I do know a counsellor there so will try to go and see her as think I need it. Being told constantly to 'pull myself together' is not helping

ohfuschia that is a lovely story about your mum. At the end of the summer before we came back here I took the DC to mum and dad's grave and planted some tulip and daffodil bulbs so it will look nice and not neglected in the spring and also a rose bush and a little coloured windmill from a garden centre that DD (aged 3) put on the grave.

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