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what happens when you bury someones ashes and other ramblings...

(8 Posts)
chimchar Tue 20-Oct-09 17:24:05

hey. my mum died in july. the funeral director has held her ashes for us until now. my dad has found a spot he wants my mum to stay in..its a local church, right in the sun.. my mum would approve!

anyway. i'm going on thursday for the burial..the vicar wouldn't do it without a service. i'm so not religious, i hate hearing all the words the vicar says and i hear in my own head that he's talking pants (imo obviously..won't knock others who have religious beliefs). i don't want to do it all again. only a few of us are going, so not a big "do". i feel sick...its like having to do it all again.

i'm crying on almost a daily basis...i miss my mum. everyone asks how my dad is doing...he is doing really well...i'm not. no one seems i want to talk about it, i want to share the horrific day that my mum died. i want someone to know the pain that i went through...i feel wounded, but with no visable scar..

i know i'm not on my own are you other girls coping...dr northener, ana, little girl lost, and lots more all on the same timescale?


chimchar Wed 21-Oct-09 06:31:23


exexpat Wed 21-Oct-09 11:08:40

Chimchar, is it just a graveside ceremony? It will probably be extremely brief. My DH died 3 years ago, and we buried his ashes 6 months after the funeral, at a cemetery near his parents. I am not religious, but my in-laws are, so we had a brief grave-side service, but it really was only a few minutes. Like you, I am always mentally cringing at all the "gone to a better place" type stuff, but just try to blank it out, as I know it means something to the rest of the family.

At least you don't have to go through the whole funeral thing again (I'd already done it twice, one in the UK, once in the country where we were living). And it does feel better to know that the ashes are in a good place, and you will have somewhere to visit, or at least you can picture her in a peaceful place, rather than just on a shelf somewhere. Hope you cope with it all OK.

iwascyteenagewerewolf Wed 21-Oct-09 12:42:48

I found that burying my brother's ashes made me incredibly angry, and it was a completely appropriate service. We are programmed to get through the funeral and given support, everyone expects us to need it; few people around us consider what will happen after that, so the bereaved are often left to struggle through it as best they can.

Agree with exexpat, just try zoning out during the religious stuff. If you think it's all bollocks anyway it becomes as meaningless as someone saying 'radiator, radiator, radiator' for 10 minutes.

Am very sorry for the rawness of your loss

Oneandnomore Wed 21-Oct-09 12:52:47

Is there something you could do to make the service more personal for you? When we buried my mum's ashes I sprinkled some little glittery stars in the grave instead of earth. I know it sounds silly but mum loved all things sparkly so it seemed the right thing to do.

Like you, I don't have any religious beliefs but the service is very brief. I don't really remember much about it now as, compared to the funeral it isn't so upsetting.

Take care.

anastasia74 Wed 21-Oct-09 20:23:08


I'm sending you hugs and strength for tomorrow.

It's still very early days is'nt it. I still find it very difficult to go to his grave. I think I always will. Cause now I'm not in shock anymore - its reality.

Me myself - I feel I'm still coming to terms with it all.

I don't expect a lot from myself really.

I feel quite depressed at the moment to be honest.

I talk about him at work and everyone knows my situation and is quite sympathetic thank goodness and have a good cry most weeks. My husband is quite good. But I feel at the moment I'm never going to come to terms with him not being here with us.


chimchar Thu 22-Oct-09 07:32:28

thanks everyone. todays the mum and dads 42nd wedding anniversary...the day i'm burying my mums ashes. sad

feeling sick to my stomach...i'm sure it'll not be as bad as i'm working myself up is just a graveside thing i think. my dad was told its quite informal...he's not wearing a suit....if that means anything!! grin i'm not sure what i'll outfit of choice would be tidy, but not be to my mums approval (i'm a scruffbag!) but part of me is inclined to go as "me"...i dressed very formally for her funeral. sorry...why do you even want to listen to this?!

thanks for your ongoing support girls. it really helps to have somewhere to offload my mutterings..sadly, i know its because most of you have suffered a close loss too...sad

thinking of everyone. x

iwascyteenagewerewolf Thu 22-Oct-09 08:59:06

Go as yourself, it will help you be strong.

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