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How do I mark 20 yrs since my dad died?

(15 Posts)
grumpypants Sun 11-Oct-09 10:38:35

I am at a loss - the anniversary is very soon. I am over ten hours away from the place he was scattered, and altho I grew up here with him and my family, the only 'places' are the park or the pub we sometimes went to (v rarely). There are some stately gardens but they will be shut. DH will have a rare day off, and I will have the dcs but none of them knew him. I was a teenager when he died and I never talk about it. I can't let this pass unmarked though. My paternal family are all dead, my maternal side are where he was scattered, and dh's lot obv never met him. We were meant to be going out with the club ds plays for in the evening for a parents thing but I can't face it. Dad played for the club but it was 20 plus years ago and I fear getting maudlin with strangers! Any ideas/ support?

grumpypants Sun 11-Oct-09 10:44:26

Bump. Any words of wisdom?

somewhathorrified Sun 11-Oct-09 11:06:07

Only you can answer this. Some people would find lighting a candle in front of a photo more than enough, others need to go to a place with memories with the whole family.

grumpypants Sun 11-Oct-09 11:09:02

I know. It just feels like I need to get it right. It's hard because I am away from everyone who knew him.

somewhathorrified Sun 11-Oct-09 11:36:23

You knew him, isn't that enough. Maybe take your family out and tell them stories all about your dad...kinda keep his memory alive.

slipperthief Sun 11-Oct-09 11:50:35

Can they plant a tree where he's scattered and you / kids plant the same type where you are? Link you up a bit?

itchyandscratchy Sun 11-Oct-09 12:09:37

I don't 'mark' my mum's death at all now. I think about her very often, esp now I have dds and I think how she'd have loved being a gran. I've never been to where her ashes are, in fact. I don't see the point. Memories and stories about her are absolutely enough for me and I prefer to just to pop naturally into my thoughts, as she does. I find this a must more positive and less maudlin way to remember her.

I know the date she died and it's coming up. I'm glad that we're actually, by coincidence, getting a puppy on that date as it will be something she would have wholeheartedly approved of and it makes me smile.

But each to their own.

itchyandscratchy Sun 11-Oct-09 12:10:30

much more positive

grumpypants Mon 12-Oct-09 14:11:47

Thank you, but I will sooo not be telling the children about the puppy ting grin

itchyandscratchy Mon 12-Oct-09 22:35:06

i promise it was a coincidence!

But you wouldn't be the only parent I've told that's groaned and gone hmm as they know their dcs will go wild when they know we're getting a puupy.

sorry! blush

hope the anniversary goes ok for you

grumpypants Thu 15-Oct-09 08:59:36

Thanks all. Have remembered the church we went to as Brownies etc (v fond memories of my dad picking me up in his suit after work and me being all excited to see him etc) so hoping its open and I can light a candle. The dcs have clubs until pm so dh suggested a meal out - trying to think of somewhere nice. Am welling up a bit, so will stop now. Plus 2mrw am seeing old friend who actuially knew him for coffee, so will be nice just to raise a cup of tea to him.

LilRedWG Thu 15-Oct-09 09:02:58

No advice I'm afraid, but I hope that whatever you decide to do works for you. You may wake up on the day and just know what you want/need to do.

Sunshinemummified Thu 15-Oct-09 09:19:39

grumpypants I never go and visit my mum's grave as I feel it has very little to do with her. Instead on her birthdays and death anniversaries (it was 21 years this year) I buy some flowers for my house and spend some time thinking about her. It's a little thing but it makes me feel good.

itchyandscratchy Thu 15-Oct-09 18:36:09

that's a nice idea, grumpypants.

It means a lots to be with someone who knew your loved one. I've only got one friend who knew my mum really well and I love it when she talks about memories of her. Funny how we need these personal links to the past (as in people who knew them). Makes them more real i suppose when your actual memories are fading.

It scares me to think that if something were to happen to me now, it would be quite hard for the dds to remember me when they were adults. Dd1 is 8, a year younger than I was and I can only remember snapshots now; feelings (like the Brownie memory you described); the occasional smell which evokes something... Dd2 is 4 and would hardly remember me at all.

grumpypants Thu 15-Oct-09 21:24:32

Thanks for the kind thought LilRed. I am going to buy loads of blue flowers (if possible!) on Sat as sunshine suggested, and cheer the house up a bit. Tmrw its tea at a posh hotel where funnily enough dad's mother (also dead) celebrated her birthday. On saturday we are going out with the dcs to the park I used to go to. I almost got away with pretending dad loved handbags and shopping but dh cottoned on at the last minute...grin

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