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grieving for a loss do i need help and if so what help will help me

(13 Posts)
sadandlost Wed 07-Oct-09 15:36:16

ive name changed for this as ive always put on a brave face to others whereas really inside im incredibly hurt and in pain

i dont want to feel like a fraud on this topic as the person im grieving for is still alive its just that ive lost them and cant cope at the moment

its my little girl, my daughter. She ran away 5 months ago and wants nothing to do with me or any of the family. My family are all upset but seem to somehow be coping better than me.

me well im just in pieces. I miss her so much, i love her very much. i feel empty with her gone its like a part of me has been torn away.

i know and accpet she wont ever come home but it doesnt stop the pain and hurt i feel.

i cry alot have sleep problems and generally feel empty. I would trade lives with anyone as i have never felt anything as painful as this before.

guess i just want some support and dont know what to do next, although dh has convinced me to see a GP which i am tomorrow

wheresmypaddle Wed 07-Oct-09 16:00:29

Hi there, not got much time to reply but just had to say am so sorry you are going through this it is a terribly sad thing to happen.

I would have thought almost anyone going through something like this would need help be it from friends and family or a professional.

Maybe those who seem to be coping better than you are, in fact just responding to the brave face that you have put on so as not to upset you.

IMO even if noone can bring her back it may help to talk it over with someone, especially someone not directly connected to the situation. I think it is a great idea to start with seing your GP.

Good luck, hope some other posters come along soon with some helpful comments. xxx

Rubyrubyruby Thu 08-Oct-09 08:43:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheresmypaddle Thu 08-Oct-09 13:51:06

How are you today sadandlost. I hope your GP was of some help and you are feeling a little more peaceful today.

sadandlost Fri 09-Oct-09 08:42:17

i did go to see a GP who wasnt my usual Gp she actually spent 40 minutes with me as i was the last patient for the night.

She has said i am depressed even though im not sure i agree with her. I am very sad yes but not sure if im depressed.

She has given me anti depressants as she feels i need them, im still debating whether to get the prescription but my dh thinks i should as i have nothing to lose by begining to take them. She has also reffered me for grief counselling which i think i do need.

Not sure how long the wait will be but im guessing it will be a while.

thank you all for your kind words

RubyrubyrubysAScaryOldBint Fri 09-Oct-09 09:12:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sadandlost Fri 09-Oct-09 20:00:18

she was 15 when she left and has since turned 16. I didnt even get the chance to see her on her birthday. its been awful.

ive only seen her 3 times and thats only because i offered her money and nice birthday presens which i dont begrudge her.

i still havent started the tablets even though i picked them up this morning and i know i should perhaps tomorrow.

i think its the counselling that will help me more although im still not sure how i will ever feel better without her.

maryz Fri 09-Oct-09 20:29:51

I think you probably are depressed - the trouble is that with your type of depression it is hard to see, because treatment won't cure it, only the return of your daughter will.

I can only sympathise with you. ds ran away when he was 14, then again at 15 for a while. I now feel that although he is back home for the moment I have lost him. The person living in my house isn't ds, he is a resentful, nasty, mean individual who is little more than boarding here. He doesn't join in meals or conversation, he leaves rooms if I walk into them, and there is no doubt that he hates me. And not like other children say "I hate you mum", he really hates and resents me. The nicer I am to him, the more he resents me. So I do understand.

I have had times when I really think it would be easier if he was dead, because then it would be final and I could move on and through this and out the other side. But then his best friend committed suicide (which I had worried about with ds) and I have seen how his parents haven't moved on at all and probably won't ever. So that isn't an answer either for him or for me.

I would take the pills and the counselling, and see how you feel. The one thing I hold on to is that my brother left our family when he was 18, and it took him 20 years, but he now has a relationship with us (a bit strained at times, but he is definitely accepting that we are family now). So I have to cling on to the fact that ds1 just might come back to us, sometime.

sadandlost Sat 10-Oct-09 14:43:36

well i have started taking the tablets this morning as i had a really bad night and morning and i so want to feel better.

When i think of the reason i feel this way i dont know how any tablets or counselling is ever going to make me be able to grieve the loss of her and move on to live a 'happy' life.

it just wont happen.

the thought of waiting 20 years before buildinf some sort of relationship feels me with horror. I dont want to miss out on the important parts of her life and i dont want her to miss out on me her dad and 3 other siblings not to mention uncles aunts grandparents etc.

She has isolated herself right away from us.

its so painful i just miss her so much and want to feel happy and want a day that i dont cry for her.

wheresmypaddle Mon 12-Oct-09 10:17:49

Hi Sadandlost. Good to hear your doctor had time to listen to you. I think you were right to follow her advice and try the antidepressants- as you say they wont bring your daughter back but they might make things a little easier to cope with.

I cannot imagine how painful it must be for you to have lost your daughter. I don't know the circumstances but I think there is always hope that the situation will get better. There is a chance that she will decide she wants to see you or talk to you and maybe even talk things over with you. As I say I don't know the circumstances but I would have thought that the more able you are to let her know she is welcome to be with you at any time, the more likely she is to turn to you at some point (am not suggesting you have not been doing this already).

Maybe the counselling will help you to cope too- personally I have always found talking to help me, but of course everyone is different.

Is there any more support that you can get from any charities for people whos children have run away from home? They might be able to help you understand the situation and cope a little better.

I hope I have not upset you by making these suggestions at such a difficult time- my thoughts are with you.

sadandlost Mon 12-Oct-09 20:15:23

my daughter knows she is welcome back here and loved very much by all of us. i was telling her all the time but if im honest the past few weeks ive felt unable to answer any of her texts as shes always saying really horrible things to me and i know im the adult etc etc but it hurts like hell. Plus she just demands money from me so im at the point that im not going to answer her demands for a while as my family think im allowing her to walk all over me

sadandlost Mon 12-Oct-09 20:20:54

and to add its not just me who is suffering i have 3 other children all whom are grieving for her one way or another. My youngest has seen her twice and ended in tears as he was very upset saying goodbye to her. My 3rd dd has only seen her once and has said she doesnt want to see her agaion for a while as she has recognised it hurts her more to see her than to not see her as it reminds her of the sister she once had.

My oldest dd sees her on a daily basis as they are both in 6th form together. They are only a year apart and up til 5 months ago have grown up incredibkly close and my eldest is crying alot and generally very down.

My dh misses her but is more concerned about our feelings although he too is feeling. rejected. As for the rest of my family they all miss her but are always trying to convince me she will return at some stage even if its yeaqrs away.

Which doesnt make me feel any better.

i just miss her and dont want to live my everyday life without her as she is my child and a big part of my family.

copycat Mon 12-Oct-09 23:37:19

Hello sadandlost,, I am so sorry that you are hurting so much sad. I really want to say something to give you some hope and encouragement. I obviously don't know your situation so I don't wish to intrude or interfere but I am thinking that your daughter is most probably very unhappy herself and is lashing out at you and rebelling in order to try and take some control in her life.

As much as you love your dd do not let her lose sight of the fact that her behaviour is wrong and whilst you and DH continue to love her unconditionally you do not accept the way she is treating you and her siblings. Her attitudes and actions have caused untold pain and destruction within your family and, IMHO, there should be consequences. Yes, ^of course^ she is always welcome back home but only if she is prepared to show some respect to her brother and sisters at the very least, as you need to protect them too from further emotional disruption. Don't allow her to have all the power because you are so (understandably) desperate to have her back in your life and your home.

Have you thought about writing her a letter or an email - even if you do not send it. It may help to spill your thoughts on to paper. Think about what would be best for her and for your other children and tell her ... can you give her two or three choices of what arrangements or decisions would be acceptable to you in the future. You decide what you want for her as her parent but give her a limited choice too. Set out some boundaries ... if you do this, dd, and agree to that then we will allow you to do this or we will pay for you to do this or buy that for you ... we don't want you to live away from home but we will love and support you (financially?) as far as we can if you agree to phone us twice a week/come to dinner once a month ...

You have to stay strong for her as well as for yourself and your other dc. Don't live in limbo just waiting and don't let her call the shots. Plan some nice things for your family (coffee in town with dd1 or pizza with dd3 and ds) and let her know that she is welcome to join you.

As long as she is 'safe' perhaps you have to let go and allow her to have her 'freedom' and to feel she is independent; hopefully she will see that 'being grown up' is not all it's cracked up to be. Oh I so hope that one day (soon) she sees how foolish/selfish she has been. In the meantime try not to look too far into the future, take one day at a time and never give up hoping for a miracle.

Forgive her for hurting you and, if you are blaming yourself for her behaviour or anything, please forgive yourself too.

I'm sorry that this is jumbled and also incredibly presumptious and probably way way way off beam blush. I honestly don't mean to be judgemental or critical and I apologise if I have been preachy or just plain insensitive. I have a ds who is 15 and I can't imagine how I would cope in your situation sad

I hope that the anti depressants help to ease your heartache and that your are able to see a counsellor very soon. Sorry again if I have read too much between the lines - just ignore me grin Take care and be kind to yourself.

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