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It came and smacked me around the face again........

(23 Posts)
DrNortherner Sun 27-Sep-09 21:50:47

Grief I mean.

Went to a family party on Friday, the first where my Dad was missing sad My Mum and all her sisters are mad as hatters, and in amongst all the noise and mayhem I would have glanced across at my lovely Dad and he would have winked at that moment I missed him so so much and then could not hold it together for the rest of the night. I sobbed like a baby.

Then I spent the night at my Mums, in my childhood bedroom i a house surrounded by my Dad's stuff. I did not get to sleep till gone 2 am. My brain kept playing me memories of him, would not stop. And since then, again I have not been able to shake this huge feeling of aching sadness that I will never see him again. I feel I am doing OK, then WHAM, it hits again and I'm reminded I'm not OK.

I fel like I have gone back 10 steps and am just yearning for him. It's so unfair.

Normally I am logical and rational but today I am so fucking angry with the universe for taking my Dad. And that anger has spilled over to dh. I am sick of being nice and smiley, I want to scream, cry and punch something.

Just need to vent.

paranoidmother Sun 27-Sep-09 21:54:48

Sending you big hugs. My Dad died just over 6 years ago and I still have days like that but I now also have more days where I can smile over the memories and enjoy them easier.

MrsJamesMartin Sun 27-Sep-09 21:55:12

So sorry DrNorthener, grief is a strange thing and unpredictable, take time out to grieve properly, is your DH supportive? Talk to him at length about how you feel, lots of reminiscing (sp?) can be very cathartic too.

How long since your dad died?

Dumbledoresgirl Sun 27-Sep-09 21:57:08

I am so sorry for your loss. My parents came to visit today and my dad was full of his usual financial advice and knowledge about decorating (we are decorating our house). My mum helped me mend some cushion covers and came to watch the kids' swimming lessons with me. I would be stranded without them.

I don't know much about bereavement but I am sure sudden bouts of misery and anger are all part of the process, and one day the pain will ease and you will remember your dad with more acceptance.

Sorry, this is a hopeless post, but a hug would not work online.

KormaNotReallyHereChameleon Sun 27-Sep-09 21:59:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrNortherner Sun 27-Sep-09 22:03:08

He died in April, totally out of the blue. So sudden, he wasn't even ill.

The party was a great aunt who was turning 80. I even felt a little angry that she was allowed to get to 80 and my Dad was only 65. I would have loved to have had him for 1 more year, yet alone 15.......

Dh is very supportive actually but today there is no helping me.

anastasia74 Sun 27-Sep-09 23:32:08

Dr Northerner

Hugs to you. I feel for you - if its any consulation I'm still going around in circles as well. I think its very early days from what I gather from all the people I've spoke to over the last few months.

I've just come to accept that every week or so I will have a meltdown and don't expect too much of myself, it's not as if you can just get over it is it.

Its so physically painful- the loss. Just can't see myself ever coming to terms with it. I don't know how you feel, but I feel I don't recognise my life any more. Everything is so different.

Its all so unjust is'nt it.

I agree with you about family gatherings. I loss my dad in July. Recently also had a gathering. It just emphasises the fact that they are gone doesnt it - and my poor mum on her with no 'partner'.

Hope you are feeling a bit better tomorrow.

alypaly Sun 27-Sep-09 23:44:08

DrNortherner..sorry you miss your dad so much.

Its so horrible when a loved one is taken away at any time but 65 is so young.
I lost my mum 18 months ago and she was 89 and i still miss her so very much.
I know it probably sounds weird,but when i am really sad and lonely ,i have a little make up bag that is now empty, that was hers. I kept it in a sealed bag, and when i miss her ...i take it out of that bag and i can actually smell her on it and she is with me for those few seconds...and writing this is still making me cry even after 18 months.Time doesnt seem to heal for just learn different ways of coping...i hope you do too.

DrNortherner Mon 28-Sep-09 08:28:14

Thanks for your comments everyone. It's such a tough jorney isn't it?

Love to all of you who have lost a loved one also.

mumoverseas Mon 28-Sep-09 09:06:05

Hugs to you DrNortherner,
We've 'talked' on other threads and I know just how you feel. Mum died in May and the grief does seem to come and go in waves. The last three weeks I felt a lot calmer, kids back to school etc which helped but then it hits you. DH was mooching on rightmove and we saw mum's house on the market. It was a real shock as my brother hadn't told me it was on the market although I suppose I should have expected it. It just makes it all so much more final if that makes any sense.

I hope you feel a little better today and that we can be here for each other over the next few months. I'm dreading xmas and my birthday (boxing day) as that is the last time I saw mum

Take care x

DrNortherner Mon 28-Sep-09 09:29:03

That must be so hard seeing your mums house on the market - how come your brother didn't tell you?

Today, for the first time I have not gone to work. I have rang in sick. I feel so tired, despite a good nights sleep, and a little light headed, and a bit nauseaus. It's weird what grief does to you physicaly isn't it?

Want to shake these feelings off, and hope a day at home will help me.

mumoverseas Mon 28-Sep-09 09:34:45

oh, Northern, sorry you feel so crap. I know what you mean though. You just need some 'me' time.
Anything decent on tv? If not rent a movie and stuff yourself silly with chocolate.

I had a couple of occasions last month where I just sat in my car and sobbed, the slightest thing set me off. I have 4 DC and I hardly had any time to myself over the last few months and two occasions when I'd nipped out without them (eldest is 16, don't worry, didn't leave home alone!) I just broke down.

I think we sometimes just need a little time on our own. I do hope you feel better later.

BTW, I imagine my brother didn't tell me as I'm abroad (currently living in Middle East) A phone call would have been nice though.

onlyjoking9329 Mon 28-Sep-09 09:59:03

Sorry things are so hard for you right now but not surprising, family get togethers are very tough cos you cant help miss those who are not there, take your time with this as it often hits you at unexpected moments, grief has no time limit and cant be avoided.
it took me ages to be able to sit at our dining table with an empty chair, this stuff is hard, be kid to yourself

DrNortherner Mon 28-Sep-09 16:08:16

I actually rang Cruse today, but not sure it helped. Felt strange talking to a total stranger about my Dad.

Took the dog for a long walk to blow off some cobwebs and collected ds from school. Feel a bit brighter, but know I am still on the edge and tears can come at any time! Guess I'll just go with it, I know it will pass, only to come back again at some other time.

Today I feel I need to put away all the photos of him, they are too painful to look at today. Strange isn't it?

It really helps chatting to you all on here who I know I also dealing with this terrible pain of grief. Thanks all, it means alot.

GivePeasAChance Mon 28-Sep-09 16:12:33

Sorry to hear that you are having a hard time Dr N. It really does take you by surprise. Also, I think it gets worse before it gets any better.

Its my birthday today and the 1st without my dad. I feel hideous and can't bear to open any cards or presents. I think I will do it tomorrow. But I know I sure as hell wasn't expecting to feel this shite.

I just write some days off and start again tommorrow and today is one of them smile

DrNortherner Mon 28-Sep-09 16:47:11

Sorry you feel so crap on your birthday sad

chegirl Mon 28-Sep-09 16:55:09

Dr Northerner,

I am so sorry about your Dad.

My experience of grief is that it never goes away. The rawness and desperation just become more intermittant IYSWIM.

The early days are full of despair and utter shock. It seems they will go on forever in this way but they dont.

What happens is that out of the blue or due to some anticipated trigger (birthday or anniversary) the intense grief comes flooding back, just as hard and strong as in the beginning.

These episodes begin to come less often and do not last quite as long, thus life becomes more bareable and we can survive.

My DD died in April 2006. I get on with my new life and smile, laugh and do normal things. I can think and work and do things I never thought possible in those dark days. But when it comes, it comes like a ton of bricks and I have to just get through it.

I am not sure my post is much help to you, it is meant to be but I am not sure if I have put it very well.

I guess what I am trying to say is that what you are feeling is normal and although its scary it doesnt mean you have gone backwards.

I hope you can ride out this storm.

GivePeasAChance Mon 28-Sep-09 16:58:20

Interesting about Cruse. I just don't think it would help me either. I am behaving 'as is expected' and the only thing they could do to really help would be to bring him back, and I think that's asking too much really wink

LittleGirlLost09 Mon 28-Sep-09 18:02:26

Dr N and everyone else on here who is suffering, love and hugs to you.

I identify so much with everything you've said, I miss my mum so much, I cry a lot still, sometimes cant breathe and dont think I'll stop. I still havent got my head around the fact that theres never a chance to say and do the things I wish I had, never is so final, my head cant accept it yet. Been on a plateau moodwise recently, no ups no downs, very little care about things but sure I'll get there.

Big hugs Dr N, I know what you're going through and know how emotionally and physically debilitating grief is. I have allsorts of problems in both areas at the moment, which doesnt help me feel positive.

I am really dependent on grief counselling, it makes me sadder but its the only outlet I have for my thoughts and feelings, dont want to burden my dad and dont have anyone close enough to burden with it all.

Sorry for hijacking, just wanted to let you and everyone know Im there with you and t send a hug or twenty


DrNortherner Mon 28-Sep-09 19:10:12

Oh I love Mumsnet, realy I do. Thanks so much everyone for your messages and kind thoughts.

I do think that dealing with this has made me much more open with people who mean alot to me. If we love and care for someonw we should tell them often, because one day will be our last also sad

I also feel really sad when I look to the future, and think I will have to go through this pain again some day when my Mum dies, and perhaps one day dh if I don't go first. Morbid thoughts I know, but a reality.

Littlegirl lost you are so right about the NEVER being so final. Don't think I can quite come to terms with that yet either. I've even tried a spiritualist church, just incase there was a chance I would get a message from him.

My sky is full of black clouds at the moment, but I know the blue sky is there someday.

SmallScrewCap Mon 28-Sep-09 19:31:34

Hi DrNortherner, I've just had the 9th anniversary of my Dad's death in a fire after a car crash aged 51. sad but there it is.

The most helpful thing anyone told me about grief was about 6 months after he died, when I was wondering if life would ever be normal again. A friend said that grief is like a spiral, and we start our journey at the centre. At the beginning, we are spinning round and round, visiting all the points in the circle - anger, fear, despair, etc. - so quickly that there is no space between them. As months and years roll by we start to move outwards and the circle gets bigger - the points on the circle are all still there, but now there are some gaps as we move from one point to another. The gaps get bigger as the spiral gets wider and time passes.

I don't know if that made sense in writing - my friend drew a spiral as she explained it to me.

It helps me a lot - even now 9 years on I have a bad few hours or even days once in a while. I find it comforting to think that I am still moving through my grief and probably always will be. Time doesn't heal exactly, but it does eventually provide some breathing spaces.

It does sound like a very intense party, and as for sleeping in your old room... no wonder that stirred you. Hope you feel a little lighter soon.

DrNortherner Mon 28-Sep-09 21:14:30

Thanks smallscrewcap - that spiral thing makes perfect sense, I totally understand that.

Like that you say time doesn't heal, it just provides a breathing space. That's so true.

alypaly Tue 29-Sep-09 12:24:39

DrNortherner i really do know what all these rushes of emotions are that come on for no reason...and i feel for you

Please tell do you cope with this...looked after my mum 24/7 for 7-8 months. Eventually after so many guilty feelings, i had to put her in a residential home, as i am a single mum with 2 boys.
I was also trying to hold down a job.

Fought to get her a good home with no help at any stage from her son(my stepbrother).
She was there 5 years and i visited her very frequently. Her son barely managed to visit...(maybe once a year and he only lived 10 minutes away)wouldnt give up his 10 pin bowling to help out, even when i was totally exhausted with the 24/7.

Fought to get her a private nursing home for her last few weeks and then she died.
Her son didnt even know she had moved homes and he didnt even know she had died. He found out 3 months after her death when i rang him to tell him.

We dont speak because he abused me as a child,but you would have thought he could have cared for his mum.I have never got over all the turmoil and hatred towards him...we have not spoken since.

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