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Grave stones - when will it feel easier to talk about if ever.

(20 Posts)
anastasia74 Tue 15-Sep-09 20:32:12

My dad died just over 2 months ago. Mum and sister want to organise his gravestone, talk about lettering/wording. etc etc.

I feel I can't think or make decisions about it yet or bring myself to look at the brochure.

It seems so final and symbolic. I can't imagine a gravestone with his name on.

The very thought of it makes me go cold.

I still feel like I'm coming to terms with everything thats happened. Somedays I still feel like he's still around.

I know its very difficult for them, but I just feel like its much too soon for me to think about.

Anyone else felt like this.

lucylev Tue 15-Sep-09 20:41:48

hello anastasia

So sorry for your loss

My mum was like this when my nan passed away, it took her and my aunt ages to come to terms with it and a good while to choose a head stone and a nice pitch to place my nans ashes, eventually they were ready and found a lovely spot where the sun shone down on in the mornings and late evenings, i think once it was done mum felt alot better, also is somewhere we can all go and pop our flowers and plants down or just sit and have a natter with my nan

I know its so hard but i do think your feel alot better once you have done it smile

everlong Tue 15-Sep-09 20:48:45

I agree with you, it's still very recent.

I lost my son Nov 08 and I didn't feel like even thinking about a headstone until March.

When I did muster up the courage to look for the right headstone I contacted a wonderful stonemason who was extremely sensitive and helpful.

I would say that it helps to write down alot of different words and phrases, because it is so hard to sum up your beloved one in a few words, it has to be right.

I dreaded seeing the stone in place. The stonemason rang me as soon as he had fitted it, so it wasn't a shock when I went to visit my son. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw it, I felt a real connection to Oliver.

Talk to your family and tell them how you feel, you still have plenty of time, as they like to leave the earth to settle as least 6 mmonths. Thinking of you.

oneofapair Tue 15-Sep-09 21:36:59

I think people are right to suggest delaying for a while. Like you I can't imagine a gravestone with my Caroline's name on.

My Mum and Dad have already started thinking about the wording to put on her grave (just for her ashes). They have not asked my opinion, no surprise there, and are ignoring what Caroline said in her final days.

I would like to leave it for a while

Deemented Wed 16-Sep-09 07:11:05

Take comfort from the fact that any good stonemason woth his salt would leave it at least six months for the ground to settle before even considering putting a headstone up. Any decisions reguarding it don't have to be made straight away.

My brother is a stonemason and was an invaluable source of support when choosing my son's headstone. Sadly there's much more to choosing a stone then just deciding what's to be written on it. If when the time does come, you need any adivce or information, please don't hesitate to give me a shout, and i'll try to get answers to your questions.

mumoverseas Wed 16-Sep-09 09:11:52

I'm sorry for your loss and the losses of the other ladies (and gent) on here. It will get easier and there will come a time when you will want to get it all sorted.

I lost my dad 5 years ago next month and he was buried in the family grave with his and mum's first son who died when he was 3, long before I was born. When he was buried the original stone from my brother was removed and taken for storage. It was recommended that as it was so old (over 50 years) a new stone should be purchased as the original one needed a lot of work and also, there was not much space left for dads (and then mums)details to go on.

Mum then developed ostrich syndrome and just wouldn't talk about getting the headstone sorted and I have to say, I found it very upsetting when I went to visit dad's grave that there was no stone and it was so bare. I tried to talk to mum about it over the past few years but she would just switch off.

Sadly, I lost mum earlier in the summer and now have to think about the stone. we were told it could be up to a year before we could put a new stone on the grave but imagine it will take a few months to get it chosen, ordered etc. I feel I need to get it sorted out as I don't like the thought of her and dad's grave looked so neglected.

I suppose I need to start looking into that now and would be grateful for any recommendations regarding stonemasons. The cemetary is in Surrey if that helps (assume they need to be local?)

Deemented Wed 16-Sep-09 14:47:17

They either need to be NAMM or BRAMM registered. Have a look on their websites and should give you a list of registered monumental masons in your area.

Also i'd recommend going for a stone with a ground anchor, may be a few pounds more, but wont topple over in years to come.

DrNortherner Mon 21-Sep-09 19:04:43

Oh yes me too. I had to go and order Dad's headstone with my mum as I have no siblings. I was dreading it. Felt ill and tense a few days before. Once we had chosen the stone/wording etc they showed us a mock up on a computer scren - I was nearly sick.

They reckon it will be erected before christmas, I have no desire to see my Dads name carved in granite sad I think I will physically vomit.

anastasia74 Tue 22-Sep-09 21:49:16

Thanks everyone for your words of comfort/advice.

I have told my mum and sister that I will support them in any decision, but can't sit down and discuss the fine detail just yet.

Just tears me apart. I know I'm being ostrich like. but feel like I've had enough at moment.

Need time to come to terms. Its almost as if there not a headstone with his name on. Its not really happened and I can carry on sort of thinking he's about in the background somewhere.

chimchar Wed 23-Sep-09 07:14:57

hi. i'm at about the same time scale of losing our loved ones here i think (as ana, dr n) the funeral director still has my mums ashes. i think we've decided where we want my mum to go, but have yet to do anything about it...i'm taking the lead from my dad tbh, and he seems still caught up in doing paperworky things (probate, banks, official documents, mums paperwork etc) i'm dreading doing the headstone thing.

i'm living pretty much ok on a day to day basis...i'm blocking the loss of my mum out. its too much to stand. every now and then a chink opens and the physical pain hits me and i realise what a huge thing i have to come to terms with. then i block it out again.

god. i'm being no help here at all. sorry. been wanting to write here for ages, but i'm still so garbled.

in short...ana. i hear you. x

anastasia74 Wed 23-Sep-09 21:42:08

Hi chimchar, I wondered how others were coping with life who had loses at the same time as me.

Hugs to you and everyone else who is going through this.

You hit the nail on the head really. I'm blocking the reality of it all out as well I think.

I feel I'm no further on in the grief. I suppose it makes it worse in a way as time goes on seeing the fallout of this absence - on my mum - who has changed from a strong confident women to someone who does'nt like to be in the house on her own - day or night.

And my sister who likes to visit his grave almost everyday. What a mess. It just feels like a bomb has gone off in our lives.

evansmummy Tue 06-Oct-09 18:50:54

It sounds weird to say, but I'm thankful that we couldn't bury my brother's ashes until a year after he died. The stone wasn't made up until a few weeks ago, 16 months since his death.

It somehow made it easier that things were spread out, I didn't want to accept the finality of it in the early stages. I can understand how you feel.

So sorry for your loss xx

DrNortherner Tue 06-Oct-09 22:27:52

How are you all? After a horrendous week last week I actually feel much brighter this week. Am enjoying it whilst it lasts as I know it will come and bite me again soon....

My Mum is still having a hard time, and I guess I too often try to block it out. The phrase 'it's like a bomb has gone off' is so true.

I have been reading lots about spiritualism and mediums, am still on the fence about it all but its very intriguing, but came accross a saying about how grief is the price we pay for loving and being loved. It's so true. But I don't buy all this bollocks about how I can still talk to my Dad, I want him to be able to talk to me, and thats never going to happen.

It is so wearing this journey isn't it? My Dad is on my mind constantly, if I ever think about something else I remember him with a jolt, about stupid things. I went to the loo and picked up a newspaper and remembered my Dad always went to the loo with something to read grin Silly thing I never thought about when he was here.

I am rambling now.

Good night girls, tomorrow is another day on our journey. I hope we end up someone nice soon, but I don't think we can see that far just yet.
xx

chimchar Fri 09-Oct-09 12:43:08

hey dr n.

i was feeling really desperate to "hear" from my mum. i've had a few dreams about her, nice ones, but not a message as such iykwim.

i am not at all religious but did believe in angels and spirits...now my mum has gone, and i've had nothing at all..no feelings or whatever, i'm not so sure. i don't know tbh if it would make things any better if i did...hmm

i think the loss of my mum is hitting harder and harder as time goes on...my stomach churns whenever i think about it. i've got that nervous knot/need a wee feeling right now as i'm typing.

my mums ashes will be buried in a week or so...on what should have been my mum and dads 42nd wedding anniversary. sad i don't want to go...but obviously have to.

have still to sort all of her belongings out.

my extension is thankfully nearly finished now...my mum was so excited about it. really interested and enthusiastic. she only saw it as far as the breeze blocks went up half the height. its tinged with sadness...i'm choosing blinds etc. i'm wishing every moment she was here to talk to...shit. crying now.

sorry. need to go. xxxx

anastasia74 Fri 09-Oct-09 19:53:53

Hi to Chimchar/Dr Northern and anyone else in this nightmare.

I still feel that it does help me to vent on this site. We all seem to be stuck in void of a place, where there is always something missing every waking hour.

My dad sometimes pops up in my dreams, and although its nice for a few seconds and makes me believe in my subconcious that he's not gone cause when I'm half asleep and can still see his face so vividly. Then I wake up fully and it hits.

I find it so painful, cause its like being robbed of him all over again. It makes me feel over and over again how instensly I miss his presence. What a cruel trick of the mind. Perhaps in time if this carries on it will give me comfort but not at the moment.

I lost my dad almost 3 months ago now, the longest 3 months of my life. Like others it feels like its not getting easier at all at the moment. I've been crying more frequently recently.

A new season is starting without him.sad

My mum is finding it very difficult and missing him so much and can't come to terms with being alone in the house - not looking forward to winter. What a bloody mess.

Hugs to everyone.

whomovedmychocolate Fri 09-Oct-09 19:59:56

Anastasia74 - I'm sorry for your loss. It's perfectly normal not to feel ready to say 'this is over' after you lose a loved one and you obviously feel the choosing of a gravestone is that final step (or one of them). But it's not.

I've lost a few people in my life, some recently, some decades ago now, and you never actually forget them or get over it totally. Even now I'll smell a certain smell or see someone walk into a room in a certain way and I'll be right back there with someone I've lost. And I'm glad because I know that to be remembered is to be loved forever.

In time you will find you enjoy the memories without feeling such pain each time. But it will take time.

DrNortherner Tue 13-Oct-09 20:51:22

Evening all, how you?

My Mum is not enjoying the darker nights and is struggling being alone at home, I am 85 miles away so that is not easy. Outside people forget and move on, but this is our life now. Me thinking about my dad every single day, phoning my mum to hear her sad and crying, not looking forward to christmas. I don't want New Year to ever arrive as it will take me further away from my Dad. At least he was here in 2009. He will never see 2010 sad

My dad was a local Counvillor and worked very hard for his town and a local housing association that he was chairman of is arranging a memorial service for him in November. They are actually naming the community centre after him which makes me so so proud. I know he would be so humble if he was around to see it.

Love you Dad.
xx

DrNortherner Tue 13-Oct-09 20:52:19

I so can't get used to talking about him in the past tense.

anastasia74 Sun 18-Oct-09 22:05:05

Hi everyone. Hope you are all doing ok this evening. Considering what we have been through and are dealing with.

Talking to people this week - all in varying situations of different bereavements/illness etc. Just makes me feel that life can be so bloody hard and cruel and random.

I know that things could get a lost worse - as if my dad dying and me missing him so much. is'nt enough.

It occurred to me the other night when in bed how it feels like ages since I last saw him and had a conversation with him.

Thank god we don't know whats around the corner.Sorry, Just feel really morose at the moment. I don't know why.

Maybe its that Christmas is just around the corner. Great. So my dad's absence is going to be all the more painful.

Hugs to everyone.

DrNortherner Mon 19-Oct-09 20:07:55

Hi Anastasia, it's hard isn't it? I have times where I feel more morose than normal. On Sunday my Mum and I visited my dad's grave, that is always hard for my mum. Not for me so, as for some reason I don't associate my dad with his grave. Instead I had to photograph all of his tools (he was a jpiner by trade) and she wants to sell them. Going through them all in his shed was especially tough - he'd have told me off if he were here! I cried and cried.

But then I brought loads of old pictures of him back to my house and put them in a loevly frame, ds was laughing at his gradad's hair styles when he was a boy. I have to keep reminding myself that lots of people have lost loved ones, but God I was totaly oblivious to teh pain it caused until my dad went.

Christmas is too far away for any of us to worry about yet. One step at a time.

xx

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