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So my Aunty thinks I am not supporting my mum enough after losing Dad. Great......

(12 Posts)
DrNortherner Wed 09-Sep-09 23:04:45

My wonderful Dad died in April. There are loads of threads on here. We were so close, I miss him so much it DOES actually hurt.

I was so close to him, closer to him than my Mum. I feel lost without him.

I live 90 miles from my mum, its at least a 2.5 hour round trip to get to her house. She does not drive.

I ring her every day, sometimes twice a day if she is having a particularly bad day. She has been to us for weekends, or i see her every other weekend, usually on a Sunday I spend the day with her and take her out for lunch.

I heard tonight, on the family grapevine that my mums sisters (she has 5) and one in partic think I am not doing enough to support her and that i should be visiting on a weekly I feel crap. I am trying my best in a difficult situation. I work 4 days a week, have a ds, husband, run a home and everything that comes with it. Plus dh, ds and I need time as a family too. But now I am questioning what I am doing and is it enough?

Now I'm rambling.....

CarGirl Wed 09-Sep-09 23:07:59

You are doing enough, you are giving all your "spare" time to your mum whilst grieving yourself.

Ignore your Aunt, she clearly has too much time on her hands or a guilty conscience!

cyteen Thu 10-Sep-09 13:15:23

What are they doing, might I ask?

Iklboo Thu 10-Sep-09 13:23:10

Are you an only? They probably expect you to be with your mum 25 hours a day, 8 days a week, 53 weeks a year hmm
Like cyteen said - what are they doing? They're family too.
I seriously doubt your mum thinks the same way they do

cyteen Thu 10-Sep-09 13:25:19

And who in your family is supporting you?

I'm sorry you're going through this. Grief can be very divisive. You need to take care of yourself though, so if that means protecting yourself from such 'helpful' transmissions from the family grapevine, I would do so.

nickelbabe Thu 10-Sep-09 13:27:38

whatever you do, don't get caught up in it!
my friend's dad died and she spent all the tiem she should have been grieving herself helping the rest of the family deal with their grief.
she nearly got herself into severe mental problems and even so ended up getting really ill and having to have over a month off work.

you are doing plenty to help your mum right now.

MummyDoIt Thu 10-Sep-09 13:29:08

I think you're being wonderfully supportive. As well as support, your mum needs to get used to her new life. It sounds harsh but she needs to learn to be on her own.

frostyfingers Thu 10-Sep-09 14:37:50

That's so unfair - it sounds like your doing a huge amount. I really don't think you should beat yourself up about this, if you can, let it pass.

I had a real battle with my aunt to help out when my mum was in hospital recently. I asked her to take my mother home from hosp (I couldn't on the day the hospital wanted to discharge her because of childcare/dh working/my work, we live 150 miles away) and she refused because she had a lunch to go to. After finally sorting something out, she then said "oh you must look after yourself, we need you....". I was so wound up after negotiating it all I nearly lost my rag, but just said yes in a vague way and put the phone down before I said the wrong thing.

I don't know what it is about families and bereavement/ill health, it really can bring out the worst in some people. Maybe your aunt feels guilty herself that she's not helping enough (probably without realising it), and is taking it out on you. You and your mum are important here and how you handle it is up to you both, not your aunt. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this on top of trying to do the best for your mum, and grieve for your dad.

LilRedWG Thu 10-Sep-09 18:15:17

Ignore your aunt. It sounds as though she has a guilty concience and is projecting somewhat.

You are doing a stirling job and don't you forget that. x

DrNortherner Fri 11-Sep-09 21:43:10

Yes Iklboo I am an only child - what I would give for a sibling to take some of this load sad

I found out tonight that this aunt also said immediatley after my dads death I did not do enough for my mum and should have stayed with her longer......I am so angry I don't think I can let it pass.

As soon as I got the news about Dad I dropped everything, ovbiously and went straight there. I stayed for a whole week, depite havind ds at home at school and dh who works longher hours and can't do school run. Then I brought mum back to mine for a week. I did all the paperwork, all the formalities I don't know what else she expects from me.

I am so angry and sad I don't need this. angry

Sorry, but I needed to rant. Thanks for the comments guys.

cyteen Sat 12-Sep-09 10:14:13

I think you would be well within your rights to tell this aunt that what she said is completely out of order and wrong, not to mention massively hurtful to you. When you feel able to do it calmly, of course - I'm not advocating starting a row - but that's not on and she needs to know that.

Families eh? My mum was one of five and when my gran died one sister ended up being cut out of the family because she had been such a bitch to the other siblings over it. And my aunts and uncle are not given to vindictive behaviour at all, but after the things she'd said there was no going back.

Anyway, they had it out after the funeral and mad aunt left the house in tears...she couldn't understand why they had done it, even though it was perfectly clear to us.

Grief fucks with everyone's heads. If you normally get on alright with this aunt and she's not usually such a bitch about you, it's worth telling her that she's being out of order now. Especially as no one seems to be thinking about who's supporting you

bradsmissus Sat 12-Sep-09 10:35:08

If you feel you can confromt this, please do it. I have an aunt who is always interfering with the relationship I have with my Mum. She criticises the amount of time my DPs spend looking after my DCs and when I reduce that, she syas I am stopping my Mum form seeing them!

She is toxic and the situation has festered for 10 years since I had my DD.

The anger just gets worse and I am now in a position where I avoid family gatherings because she never fails to piss me off.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this while you are sill greiving yourself.

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