For those of you that dont know, my father attempted suicide in April. After 2 agonising weeks the decision was taken, along with the doctors to withdraw treatment and he died a week later.
The post mortem report has just been sent to me, and it would appear that the suicide attempt had no impact on his death.
This has blown me away, the decisions we took, and discussions with doctors were based on the fact that both they, and us believed that he had suffered some sort of brain injury. He never really regained conciosuness, but the reasons given in the report dont support these type of symptoms.
I just dont know what to do, I cant change anything, but ive agonised (both personally and professionally) with the decisions we took at the time and now Im not sure if they were the right ones. I cannot talk to my mum about this, it will destroy her.
Please can anyone give me some advice because I dont know what to do
Can you go to the GP and talk through what the PM says and what happened at the time.
My brother had a similar thing happen when SIL's PM came back. He thought he'd made a few wrong decisions given that the cause of death was nothing to do with the existing problem and had questions. The GP was able to explain what looked like inconsistencies between the two and it gave my brother a lot of closure.
You made your decisions based on the best of your knowledge at the time. They were the right ones. You couldn't know the things you know now. Agree with Custardo, you need to talk this through further with someone else.
I am so sorry for your loss, and for the difficlut time you are going through now.
Could you ask for a debrief with one of the doctors involved with his care and a bereavement counsellor ? They'd be able to explain more about what the post mortem showed and why it doesn't correlate with what was thought to be happening to him.
You poor thing. I think talking is usually a good way forward.
I also think it is worth remembering at all times, that you made the best decisions you could at the time, with the information (incomplete and imperfect as it always is) and that every decision or reccomendation was made with your dad's interests in mind.
So often in these situations, when a loved one is so poorly, we feel like our decisions have a huge impact, when often we are making the only kind, thoughtful decision available to us.
His consultant at the time was one of the most compassionate doctors I have ever met. Trouble is hospital is 3 hours drive away and due to BP problems and late pregnancy am not up to driving that distance at the moment . Im sure his doc would discuss with me though, he was very good at the time
But even at the time I struggled with the decision, I dont believe in things like assiated suicide and am uncomfortable with issues like withdrawing treatment, even though from a professional pov, I know it is sometimes the kindest and only way forward. My mum took in an advanced directive from years before, which they took, again I was unhappy about this. On the other hand, yes he obvioudly did want to die, and with the problems found on the PM which no-one had any idea about, his remaining few years would have been pretty miserable
Hi FBG, Im not ahocked about what killed him (it was respiratory, but he also had COPD and severe emphysema, which we had no idea about). But I am shocked it was nothing to do with the suicide So maybe he would have recoevered, but it would have been a miserable existence, he also had very advanced Parkinsons disease which was also noted as a contributing factor
It does sound as though your parents had discussed this.
It did take me a while after losing my parents to accept that things I wished could have been different were completely out of my control. I would think that if I had said different things, or been in a different hospital, or things had been spotted a week earlier, the outcome would have been different.
A few years down the line, I can see that there was not much I could have done differently, now matter how much I wished I could have.
Poor you...a lot of people however given the choice of having a few miserable years,getting more and more ill and more reliant on others would choose to pass away and avoid that kind of life.
I know for certain this is how my dad feel,he has said many times..if i end up like so and so,put me out my misery. I suppose the best way to think about it is this sounds like your dads way of thinking and really nothing you could say or do would have changed that.
Thank you all for sharing your stories, and your sympathies
I suppose that on one hand I know he was a stubborn man who refused any help, amde life hard for my mum because of this and was just a proper old pain in the butt (and I say all this fondly), on the other hand, he took his medication for parkinsons and always kept up his hospital appointments, which kind of contradicts the advanced directive and the wish to die.