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Should I write my brother a letter?

(8 Posts)
MissM Mon 07-Sep-09 09:57:31

I've posted in this section as I know people here understand some of the terrible complexities of emotion that follow bereavement. Apologies for its length.

Some of you know that my youngest brother died of cancer last year. We are struggling through to the first anniversary of his death and I've had some amazing support on here from others who have lost their siblings <waves at Evansmummy, Cyteen and everyone else who has been lovely> .

This weekend we had a festival in memory of him. Me, my other brother and mum, and some of his closest friends organised it. He was a musician so we got some brilliant bands and other acts and everyone really pulled together (including not charging a penny) and we had an amazing weekend.

My brother worked incredibly hard sorting out catering, staging, sound and lighting, and managed to get it all for free. He spent all last week working on it 12 hours a day and barely slept. I went along on the Saturday morning full of admiration for him and meaning to tell him so.

What actually happened is that he was so stressed that he shouted at me for a minor comment and spent the rest of the weekend avoiding me. As you can imagine it was a tough weekend anyway, and I spent a lot of it crying, but this bust-up made it even worse. We parted yesterday on frosty terms which is awful as the three of us had always been very close - in fact I was even closer to this brother than to my brother who died.

So my question is, do I write him a letter to try and resolve this? He refused to talk to me when I tried to discuss it and told me to leave him alone. From my point of view he completely over-reacted to an innocent comment and should apologise. From his point of view I have clearly done more than I think and have really upset him. How do we move on from this? I am so scared that my DB's death is causing rifts because of the dreadful pain of it all.

retiredlady Mon 07-Sep-09 10:34:06

Visit him if you can, give him a hug, take the blame if it helps resolves the situation, give him a hug and put the dispute behind you

cathcat Mon 07-Sep-09 11:25:44

Once he has caught up on his sleep and calmed down from the stress he was under last week I'm sure he will be as keen as you to patch things up. Send him a card telling him you admire and appreciate all he did, I'm sure it would mean a lot to him. Try not to worry, you are obviously close and will bounce back from this.

Tortington Mon 07-Sep-09 11:33:12

you were both tired. you have both been under enourmous pressure, you are both stressed and you are both still grieving.

give yourselves a break - turn up at his house give him a hug and just say "lets not fight, i love you"

lifes too short as we both know xx

LilRedWG Mon 07-Sep-09 11:47:07

Totally agree with custardo - it is so hard for you both at the moment.

MissM Mon 07-Sep-09 12:02:45

What sensible and gentle and caring comments. Thank you all. I have a tendency to go in all guns blazing when I'm upset and angry and you guys have helped me take a step back. So glad I posted first!

Winetimeisfinetime Mon 07-Sep-09 12:12:03

I agree with what the others have said - I would tell him how much you appreciate all that he has done and how you are sorry you upset him. Hug him and tell him you love him.

Since my db died last year I have also had rows with both my mum and sister - I think it is because we are all stressed and upset and are finding that things have shifted within the family dynamic and we are all trying to find our way through. We have made things up very quickly though as I'm sure you and your db will.

MissM Mon 07-Sep-09 12:53:17

Isn't it awful. I find it so distressing that we're all sharing the same horrible experience, and yet we seem to be lashing out at one another and making everything so much worse. I kind of have scenarios in my head of how things will be and what actually happens is completely different.

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