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Both grandparents passed away. Why does everyone act like i am an alien or something?

(6 Posts)
PrammyMammy Sun 06-Sep-09 12:37:20

My Papa (dads dad) passed away in December, after a long battle with cancer. He was in his late 70's.
At the funeral no one really spoke about it, not why we were there or anything. The only person who spoke about him and his passing was my nan (his wife) She always spoke about him. Sadly she passed a few weeks ago, again with cancer, but only having found out she was sick 2 weeks before. Her home was her final resting place and everyone went to visit her daily and it seemed more people (my parents, aunts etc) were open about her illness. After the funeral it was like the case had been closed though.
It is not just my family who were like that, but my IL's have not mentioned that either of them have passed. Not a 'sorry' or a 'how are you coping'. And it's not like we don't see much of each other or anything. They are here every Tuesday, dp and i have been together for 5 years and have a 21mo ds and another dc due next week. So the relationship is there, they are not strangers. DPs uncle passed away in Jan and i visited the family my sympathies and was there for mil when she was very emotional.
So i am wondering how to deal with the silence, i feel i have not been able to grieve or express myself as no one else can even mention it and i have to keep happy for ds.
I haven't cried, not at the passing or funerals. Last week i managed to lock myself out in the rain with ds, he fell and hit his chin and was crying, i called my dad in a state, just felt like everything was catching up with me, and as he had a key he could let me in, but when he came he just asked ' what you crying for?' TBH i can't even pin point why i was at that point.
Does anyone else have such emotionally detached families? How do you deal with a loss?

nickschick Sun 06-Sep-09 12:44:45

Prammy I think that families are either gushy and open about feelings or they close up - to a lot of people grief is a private thing and perhaps they dont feel comfortable sharing it.

An expected death is in some ways easier to 'grieve' as you have time before to do things and say things -accidental deaths leave lots of questions,also we have the age thing too perhaps its easier to cope with losing elderly people???

Im not saying this is in any way 'right' I lost my mum when i was 11 and miss her as much now as i did then.

I wonder if your family are trying to protect you from their grief as you are pregnant?

Either way you have lots of feelings inside that need to be addressed perhaps you should speak to your dp or maybe a counsellor? sometimes just writing down your feelings can be cathartic ,maybe going to a church would help you feel a little easier?.

You need some time alone to grieve.

gigglewitch Sun 06-Sep-09 12:45:21

I think they haven't got a clue what to say - my family can be very uncommunicative and are emotionally in the Victorian era tbh! All that stiff-upper-lip crap. Either that or they are really hurting and don't know how to deal with it either so go for the ostrich approach... Are they all frightened of upsetting you because your baby's due soon and perhaps they think that a 'happy' time shouldn't be 'spoiled' or something - iyswim? Misguided, yes, and if anything you need to have some sort of closure or emotional escape on this in order to move to enjoying your new arrival. Plus the fact that the two issues are totally unrelated - I had a point where I was grieving for one thing whilst feeling elated at having a new baby - weird but that's how it happened.
Is there any way that you can talk to your own friends or whoever you need to - and basically learn to live with the fact that you cannot change people who are not emotionally aware or expressive? It took me a long time to realise that I didn't have to be like my family. Nor do you.

nickschick Sun 06-Sep-09 12:56:16

Giggle is right about the new baby and the grief feeling ,we had ds2 by cs on the monday and mil died of termial breast cancer on the thursday it was a very emotional traumatic time.

PrammyMammy Sun 06-Sep-09 13:37:16

Thank you
Gigglewitch your last line is very helpful, i do not need to be like them, and seeing that written down by someone else is reassuring.
DP is very much like his family, he did give me a hug when it happened, and he asked how the funeral went, but that was about it. Although when his du passed they were very close and open together.
My best friend lost her grandad last month, so she has been a good support, both of us have been there to help each other kind of thing, and i am so grateful for that.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Sun 06-Sep-09 13:39:20

Very few people mentioned it when my nana died even though they had been told and if I mentioned it to others I felt bad.

People just don't know what to say.

I am sorry for your losses and hope you find someone you can talk to.

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