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my nan xx

(28 Posts)
milknosugarplease Sun 30-Aug-09 23:43:48

hi all,

I lost my wonderful Nan last year, she was 85, she literally went to sleep one night and didn't wake up.

I know she's gone, I've cried more tears then i ever thought possible, but yet i cant accept that shes gone, i used to see her at least twice a week, i still want to go and see her and for a split second i forget, but then i remember shes gone.

i went away for the2 week before she died and everyday i regret going away. i regret the fact that instead of popping into see her i buggered of on holiday wiothout a secind thought. my mum and dad and aunt all popped into see her but I didn't.

i cant deal with knowing ill never see her, friends think i should be over it by now...maybe i should? i dont know? i dont know how to grieve for her because grieving for her means accepting shes gone and i cant do it.

she wasnt ill for a long time she just went to bed and didnt wake up...i suppose on one hand thats the best way to go (iygwim) but it wasnt a suprise, she was old and frail and i guess ready. if people have a time o go, this was hers.

i dont know what i hope to achieve by writing this, i wonder if people here may understand? or help me?...im scared to talk to my mum at risk of upseting her, my dad has been incredible and i will forever be thankful, but he's dealt with this for all of us for over a year.

i just want my nan back

Tortington Mon 31-Aug-09 00:07:21

my nan died in february aged 89. she brought me up - she and i were very close - i mean VERY.

i feel like the value of the relationship isn't given the creedance, respect and understanding it should becuase we are talking about an old lady - who has had 'a good innings' and secondly that 'Nan' doesn't command the respect for your grief that mum or dad does.

i have a picture of nan in the frnt room - and i talk to her. i miss her so much - there just aren't the words. she is in my conversation practically daily " oh nan used to say..." or "nan used to do..."

so...i understand how important this relationship is to you. xxxyou dont have to'get over it' just yet

milknosugarplease Mon 31-Aug-09 01:20:53

thank you so much for your reply.

one friend in particular who i always thought would be there, just hasn't, i find it incredibly hard to open up and the one time i did, she started laughing at something on the telly, sounds stupid but it hurt so much that she couldnt be arsed to listen.

i need to know someones there without telling them. i NEED to know she hasnt been forgotten,i DESPERATLY need to talk about her and i NEED people to realise how special she was and how i miss her so much it physically hurts

i just feel really lost, i havent felt or cried like this for so long. i just want something i cant have and im desperatly trying to cling on to her so i dont have to grieve, maybe ive started to grieve. how does someone grieve?

i talk to her when im on my own, i tell her what ive been up to, i tell her about the kids i look after, i tell her about whats happening on neighbours.

i know what you mean about the value of the relationship, people up until about march this year (she passed away last june) ask "hows ya mum doing"(was her mum) i say fine but i relly want to say that she was MY nan, the nan i spent every single halm term and summer holiday with for the last 20 years, the nan that always gave me magazines after shed read them, the nan that never missed a christmas in out house, she was MY NAN and i need people to know this.

im sorry i know this is long, its just the first time ive benn able to say any of this.

milk
x

Tortington Mon 31-Aug-09 14:46:29

you are clearly grieving already. whilst i have my dh and kids who will listen to me prattle on about nan, i know they are listening out of duty to me, not becuase they want to - not becuase they share experiences that i have. so hilst i mention the odd thing as i said before, i dont out and out talk about how much i miss her.

i miss having a brew and a fag in the kitchen with her i miss her peeling tomatos for a slad butty for me

she made the best salad butties
i miss her palming off shit i didn't need or want.

i miss they way she squeezed her eyes tight, threw her head back when she was laughing - and no sound came out!

i miss her sage advice. i could talk to her about rubbish kids and dh's fuckwittedness and she woudl give me the best advice

she always told me what a good mum i was and she reminded me of the things i did when the kids were little - that i had forgotten.

loved her stories of the 60's about my mum and my uncle and their friends and dubious activities.

i loved the way despite my offloading - she always remembered something nice dh did or the kids did.

i loved when i was a kid how everything was magicky! magicky draw, magicky brush - if you bang your elbow - bang the other and have a wish.

i loved playing cards for pennies. she taught me trumps and rummy and patience - and if you got patience out on the first go ....you could have a wish.

i loved the way we could just look at each other when someone was speaking and saying something that was unintentionally funny and try not to laugh.

i loved the fact that despite dh and i earning ..she ALWAYS asked if i needed money.

if i said no - she gave it me anyway...for the kids!

god i love her

-------

so milk, remember her and carry on loving her

as MY nan always said about loved ones that have passed
"She will have her cloak around you"

meaning she will be looking on for you from wherever she is

xx

milknosugarplease Mon 31-Aug-09 21:45:31

she used to read "take a break" and "chat" magazine every thursday without fail, then give them to me when i saw her on sunday, i always used to say that i hated the smell of them...she smoked...i hated the smell..but it was HER smell...i found an old copy of one of these mags today...i just held it and desperatly tried to smell her...of course it didnt smell anymore, its 3 years old...but i shocked myself how desperate i was to smell her on it.

a friend of mine was complaining that she has to go see her nan this weekend...god why doesnt she understand i would give ANYTHING to have just one last weekend, one last day or hour with my nan?

she was my only nan i ever really knew, she meant everything to me, theres just so much i need to say to her. i need her to know that im so so sorry i didnt see her in the couple of weeks before, that i adored her, that i got the job i wanted, that i adore my job and the kids i work with, that i miss her every day.

being able to write this all down has made me realise that shes gone, i know shes gone of course i do, but she is REALLY gone.

i want to be able to tell people about her but no one wants to listen, i know they have their own lives and i know im being so selfish but just five minitues to tell people who never met her about her, maybe thats my way of keeping her here?

FabBakerGirlIsBack Mon 31-Aug-09 21:48:11

sad

I am so sorry for everyone who has lost someone close to them.

My Nana died 4 years ago and she was the only blood relative I had who cared about and bothered with me. I still can't get my head around her being gone. As she was dying I was in the late stages of pregnancy - sad and happy all at once.

queenrollo Tue 01-Sep-09 14:03:20

on the 20th of Sept it will be four years since my beautiful Grandma passed.

We lived with my Grandparents until i was 3 and i developed such an intense bond with her, she looked after me while mum was at work. So Custardo and milknosugarplease i understand how important the relationship is too.
I was struggling being a new mum and i didn't go to see her until i was told she was in hospital (ds was 6 weeks at that point).....and she was too weak to hold him and i am so sad about that. I can remember everything about that visit....how poorly she looked, how she came alive when i entered the room, how she looked at me as i fed my son....with such love in her eyes, and so proud of me.
I'm crying now typing this because i miss her so much.
She had 12 children, what she didn't know about child rearing isn't worth knowing and so many times in the last 4 years i've wanted to pick up the phone and ask for her help and advice and she's not there sad

FabBakerGirlIsBack Tue 01-Sep-09 14:19:57

Too, too sad for words.

I would trade my mother in a heartbeat for your Grandma, queenrollo.

milknosugarplease Tue 01-Sep-09 23:00:48

hi,

queenrollo & custardo so sorry to hear about your grandma's, they both sound like they were wondergul nan's.

had a bit of a moment last night, was ling in bed drifting of to sleep and was thinking about her and thigs we used to do, then for some reason i couldnt see her face, i dont know why but i couldnt remember what she looked like, no matter how hard i thought i just couldnt see her, everything else was so so vivid except her. i ended up runin up stairs at 4am, sobbing my heart out, just to see her picture.

i dont know why i couldnt see her face but i'm terrififed im forgetting her.

i wish id taken more pictues, i deleted one off my phone of the xmas before she died, i deleted it in may thinking "ill take some more next year", next year with her never came.

what if i am forgetting her, what if i cant keep her memory alive, what am i supposed to do?

a very confused and tbh scared milk

xx

queenrollo Wed 02-Sep-09 10:15:31

you're trying too hard to remember her. I did that too. The exact same thing, i couldn't remember what she looked like and had to go and get a photo.

I have just moved house and was looking through a photo album i'd unpacked. DS wanted to look at a photo of me when i was small so i took it out and i had completely forgotton what was on the back. My gran had sent it to me on my 18th and it said 'to QR on your 18th birthday from QR on your 3rd birthday'........cue lots of tears.

After gran died my aunty took the photos to sort and she sent me quite a few of me and my grandparents when i lived with them. At some point not long before she died my gran had written little notes on the back of some of them and one had 'QR my beautiful little princess' and i could see where she had cried when she'd written it.

4 years on and i picture her face, sometimes as she looked in later years, sometimes from the 80's when i used to go and spend the summer holidays with them. I can remember now vividly how she looked and smelled and the feel of her soft skin as we held hands (something we did often, not just when i was little). And when i feel very sad i sing out loud a song we used to sing together and remember that i had 30 years of the joy of my grandmother in my life........30 wonderful, happy blessed years full of memories. Every now and then i recall a the memory of something i had long forgotten, like the fact i stayed with her for a week after Grandad died. I have no idea why such an important thing had been lost from memory and i had to check with a family member that i really did do it.

Talk about her here if it helps you to keep remembering. I will be here for to share her with.

milknosugarplease Wed 02-Sep-09 11:14:02

i can smell her so vividly, a mix between fairy cakes (!) and richmond superkings!...even now if im walking down the street i can smell a richmond a mile off.

i loved the way she hated IlDivo...everytime they came on the telly she grumble and turn it over...she had no real reason to dislike them though!

she was the most generous person, if she had 2p in her purse she'd somehow find a way to give you a pound.

even at the age of 18 and 20 she still gave me and my brother £3 pocket money each week.

going to the local shop took 3 toimes as long coz she would stop and talk to everyone who knew her and the cashiers in the shop

the way if someone was gay she would whisper it...as if noone hadever heard the word before!

how when we were younger shed look after us in the holidays despite being 70 odd, shed run around the park with us.

she always used to have snack size chocolate in her fridge...in the salad drawer!

she was always so pleased to see us everytime she went down

she hated cheese and onion crisps but always bought them because there my fave

if i happened to mention in passing that i saw something i like, shed hand you the money, and no matter what she wouldnt take it back

if i ever tried to give money back to her shes stuff it in my pocket

even when i was 20 i had to ring her to let her know i got home ok from her house. even at 6pm (she lived 20 minutes away!)

she had time for everyone

she would accept a gift from someone, then if she didnt like it would give it to me...sometimes in front of them!

how she was so tiny and frail, but yet seemed so strong

she could never eat a mcdonalds burger without making a mess

she appriciated everything we did for her, so much

she would spend xmas with us every year no matter what, and would eat more then i have ever seen her eat!

shed fall asleep in the moddle of the afternoon then wake up 15 minutes later and look around to see who had noticed

she called diagnosis murder "diagnostic"

al;ways complained about "that damn cat" but if you mentioned getting rid of it she'd have ya guts for garters!

her silly sayings (guts for garters!)

everyone loved her, the amount of flowers amd cards we got from people in her street was amazing.

she was so proud of us for going to college and uni

she had a wicked sense of humor

she had the warmest most inviting eyes that always glittered


how she'd be going mad if she knew how much i missed her and how much im hurting. she would never have wanted us to feel like this

xxxx

queenrollo Wed 02-Sep-09 11:56:53

she sounds like a wonderful lady.
and yes my gran is probably shaking her head now, wherever she is, and would tell me not to be sad.

It will get better, honestly. I am always so very sad around the anniversary of her death. But now i find more often than not when i think of her i smile, and laugh at funny memories and am just so glad that she was my grandma. I still miss her, and sometimes it feels as painful as it did the day she went, but i found over time i felt that less often.

georgepig Wed 02-Sep-09 12:57:46

my nan died 2 days ago and i already miss her. I cant accept that shes gone and im not sure if i can go to her fneral, its too final.

I miss everything about her, and MILKs list of things is exactly like my nan. She adored my little boy and now we wont see her anymore and she wont see him grow up, i just cant do it. Ive not really cried before now because i couldnt but MILK has set me off, i just want her back.

queenrollo Wed 02-Sep-09 14:52:47

oh georgepig sad

i wasn't sure about my grans funeral, but i'm glad i went. we have a large family and all being together and laughing (the service was very sad but the gathering afterwards full of joy)together and remembering good times with her helped us all to get through such a sad time. But funerals are not for everyone and if you really feel you can't go then don't. Your nan probably wouldn't want you to put yourself through it for her sake.

I wish i could say more to help you but i can't sad

milknosugarplease Wed 02-Sep-09 22:12:14

queenrollo thank you so much hun,for everything and she was a wondeful lady

im going to use this thread to post things i remember or i things i need to get of my chest about how i feel about her. i hope thats ok, i dont expect people to answer

georgepig sweetie i felt the same, even up until the cars came i was sure i couldnt go. but i did, i cant say it was a good event, it was my nans funeral, but it was something i needed to do and im so glad i didnt stay home.
as i've learnt over the past few days there's no right or wrong way to grieve or to feel. you need to do what feels right, if on the day your still not sure then can you sit at the back so you can leave if you feel you need to, you may feel people will judge you if you dont go but this is YOUR grieving process no one else's.
i thought it would be to final aswell, ive noticed that after the funeral people tend to forget, but there are people who will be there for you.

everything ive been feeling over the last year has come out over the last few days, and just knowing that people like queenrollo are there to read and to "listen" has helped more then they know i feel that after 15 long months i can finally start to heal and to grieve.

your nan wouldnt want you to be unhappy of course not, but she would want you to do what feels right to you, be that going to the funeral or saying goodbye in your own way.

it will never be final, she will live on in you, in your son and in your treasured memories.

we're always here for a chat or a moan or whatever.

milk
xxxxxx

queenrollo Thu 03-Sep-09 08:15:25

milk

i didn't grieve properly for so long. In the early days and months after her death i had a baby to look after, and anyone with children knows how much of your time and emotion that occupies. My then partner wasn't very good at emotional stuff either and i never felt i could 'let go' in front of him or talk about her the way we do here. We separated and i have a new partner who totally understands how i feel, as he suffered the loss of a parent. We sometimes have days where the sadness creeps up and says 'boo!' and then we just hold each other and sob, and this has definitely helped me to grieve and start to heal. We share all the (what sometimes feel like) silly little memories and thoughts about our loved ones and it really helps.

I'm glad that this thread has helped you, and i hope you can start to find some peace about this and you have more smiles when you think of your nan than tears.

I will never forget the phone call from my Gran saying 'ooooooo i was kissed by a young man today. And he had a uniform on' grin my cousin was up here on a training course and popped in to see Gran and took one of her colleagues........they're in the police force!! She grinned from ear to ear about that one for ages smile

georgepig Thu 03-Sep-09 10:18:59

Thanks QR and Milk, i am going to the funeral, she was an irish, devout catholic and it would upset her so much if i didnt go, (its not the done thing). I just need to find the strength to cope. sad

MILK, our nans sound exactly the same, its uncanny!

She always offered tea as soon as you walked in the door and then you got some whether you said yes or no, and she'd be disapointed if she gave you something to "take home", buns, crisps anything and you said no. We always had something to take home.

My nan used to whisper gay, although she didnt know what it meant and we had to explain it to her, as she couldnt understand how a male friend of mine had kids and then "came out", she thought if you were gay, your "willy didnt work!" (we laughed for days over that)

She always said how little she ate and "dont give me too much" but no matter how much you gave her, she'd eat everything!

If she had 2 pennies in her purse, she'd give you one, she was so generous and kind.

Im going to her house today for the first time since she died so that will be tough but i neeed to be around her things and to sit in her chair x

queenrollo Thu 03-Sep-09 10:39:44

i hope you can find some comfort from being surrounded by her things and her smell at her house georgepig

Get yourself some Rescue Remedy for the day of the funeral, in fact it will help you to have it on you for the weeks and months to come. I find it really helps to calm me when it all gets too much.

Keep talking about her here if it helps too x

milknosugarplease Thu 03-Sep-09 10:47:58

georgepig you will find the strength to cope, somehow you will, god knows where we do find it but you will and i think you'll be glad you went.

thats exactly my nan! i used to end up taking a packet of crisps and a treat size chocolate bar EVERY day!..even if i said we've got some at home shed still manage to force you to take them!

i used to love the way despite having two daughters 3 grandsons 1 granddaughter (me) 3 great granddaughter and 2 great grandsons she ALWAYS called me her "best girl" still smile when i think of it

i remember going back to the house for the first time, it was strange but comforting at the same time. just being able to smell "her" there was amazing, but so sad.

i'll be thinking of you today
xxx

milknosugarplease Fri 04-Sep-09 10:01:56

georgepig how was it, going to her house?

hope you found some sort of comfort

xxxxxx

georgepig Fri 04-Sep-09 13:55:26

Thanks, it was nice but strange being in her house. I felt at first like i shouldnt touch anything because then she wouldnt be the last person to touch it, if that makes any sense but then i did and was amazed at how nice it was to touch her stuff BECAUSE she'd been the last person to touch it.

I sat in her chair for a while and talked to her and told her everything we were planning for her funeral and i asked her, that if she didnt like it, to give me a sign, nothing so far so i assume shes fine with it.

I cried when i found her glasses and her hairbrush and lipstick, but its strange because on saturday (as she died on monday) she was asleep but i told her that i was after a new purse for my birthday (in a few weeks) and that i wanted a nice blue one. On the side of her bed yesterday, there was a new blue and white purse, complete with tags on so when my mum and auntie came back, they said they'd never seen it before and it wasnt there when she died (they were with her), so we opened it and it had £17.69 in it! Bizarre.

I always used to go and see her on a wednesday, (i live 30-35 minutes away), so wednesdays will be very strange from now on and then mum used to bring her to me on a monday so that'll be weird too.

I feel a bit stronger today, we went through the whole arrangements yesterday and i feel better knowing everything has been taken care of. There will be 150+ people attending her funeral, she would outwardly be very embarrassed that so many people would turn up, but secretly she'd be very pleased!

Theres just one thing that keeps niggling me and i know its stupid but she was dying and was getting frustrated because she could "see" my grandad but couldnt or wouldnt go with him and so in her final 10 minutes, my mum laid with her and told her she could go and be with him and she held her hand out, mum asked if he was there and she nodded, so mum told her to go and she did.
Now i know people say its one of the greatest things you can do for someone you love is to release them but i dont want her to think that mum told her to go because we didnt want her to stay, im sure she doesnt think that, but it is something thats been on my mind, so i told her yesterday that it wasnt that so i hope she understands. I couldnt be more proud of my mum for doing that, because that must have been the hardest thing in the world to do.

Her funeral is mon night and tuesday morning, so if its ok, i'll come back on monday.
Thanks everyone

milknosugarplease Fri 04-Sep-09 23:46:21

aw hun i'm glad it went ok (as ok as it can iygwim)

its strange how the smallest things can set us off, when clearing out her house, i was fine, everything that went in the skip i was fine about, everything to the charity shop i was fine, then i walked into the hallway as my dad put her chair in the skip
(some people have said this was horrible of us throwing her stuff away but things we couldnt keep and we HAD to empty the house out (solicters complicated) so please dont think bad of us)
he didnt throw it, he stood there and placed it in, not knowing i could see him, he was so delicate with it, but i just broke down and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, to me it was as if up until that moment she could still be there in her chair but now that was it. (im crying thinking about it now)

sundays and tuesday were absolutely horrific for the first few weeks (the days we saw her) but it gets less strange over time.

wow 150+ people, thats so lovely (iygwim) must be nice to know so many people cared about her, i was overjoyed when we had to order a 4th car to take people there thats aboyut 20 odd people!.

you can come back when ever you want, i'll be here rambling on as always!


i know its silly as he wont read this but i want to say how incredible my dad has been, especially over the last year, he supported 3 of us grieveing, sorted the funeral, and wouldnt let mymum clear her house out as it would be to hard for her, he has always always been there and just held me when ive cried, he;s the bloke everyone goes to when they need support or help. i feel so so lucky to have him as my dad.
i just wanted someone else to know how fantastic he has been

remember we're always here!

milk
xx

queenrollo Sat 05-Sep-09 10:28:16

we had a church service and then burial. With such a big amount of immediate family the vicar said it was the busiest burial he had done in a long time and he hoped we gained comfort from the fact she was so loved. The church was absolutely rammed, people standing at the back. In the weeks after the funeral as different family popped down to the grave we found more and more flowers had been laid as the news had filtered to people across the country. Some particularly emotional messages were left from grown men who said she had been like a mum to them, taking them in as kids/teenagers even though she had 12 of her own to feed and clothe already.
As a parent to one very energetic little boy i am absolutely in awe of how my grandmother parented so many and ran a household, during the summer keeping a houseful of small children quiet while my grandad slept after a night shift. I so wish she was here now so i could talk to her about these times, and how her life was.

georgepig i hope you get through the funeral ok

oneofapair Sat 05-Sep-09 13:53:10

My twin sister was cremated yesterday, she was 32. One job I have got to do next week is to decided what to do with her house and clothes. If I throw anything away its going to feel like I am throwing a part of her away and if I sell the house its going to feel like losing the place where she and I spent so many happy hours over Saturday or Sunday lunch.

milknosugarplease Sat 05-Sep-09 18:24:41

oneofapair oh im so sorry about your twin sister, i cant pretend to know what its like to lose a sibling (i thank god) but i do know that i was so worried about clearing her house out, i knew i didnt want to get rid of her stuff, but we did and i realised that yes its horrible throwing her stuff away, but they are just objects, your sister was a person and your memories and thoughts and her will live on no matter what.

objects are just that, objects, they will never bring back the person you lost, hanging on to them can only make things harder, your wonderful memories will help her live on.

please know you can come and talk to any of us, what was your sister like?

milk
xxxxx

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