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Feeling guilty because I've felt OK recently

(11 Posts)
bubble99 Thu 26-May-05 21:30:27

I was BF Elijah last night and holding his little hand when I suddenly thought of Bo and his little hands. I started crying for the first time in a few weeks. I've got a box with his photos in and I'm scared to look, well not scared as in what I'll see, but as in how it will make me feel. I hope I'm not ostriching this and putting my head in the sand, until a few days ago I knew I didn't want to look as it would take me straight back to the agony I felt after he died.

I've had a lot of fun on msnet recently. More fun than I've had in RL as we've been so busy with the boys and our new business. My family are my joy but I often feel the need to kick-back. This has made me feel guilty in itself. How can I be stirring up threads about hub2dees cucumber when my gorgeous baby died only 3 months ago? What kind of woman does that? Have I forgotten my baby already?

Three or maybe four days after Bo died I asked the MW's to bring him from the mortuary so that I could see him again. Elijah was kicking and squirming in the cot next to my bed as I held cold, beautiful Bo in my arms. I didn't keep him with me for long and now I wish I had and it's too late. He was dressed in a babygro that DS1 had worn and one of two that I'd brought into hospital for one of my twins to wear home. I kissed his cold face and stroked his hair and then I asked the MW to take him away.

Elijah has really 'woken up' in the last few days and started cooing and 'talking'. When he was a little newborn it was easier to deal with but now I know and can see what Bo would have probably been doing if he'd lived.

No responses expected but thanks for listening.

rickman Thu 26-May-05 21:35:20

Message withdrawn

ja9 Thu 26-May-05 21:36:54

tears for you here too...

triplets Thu 26-May-05 22:31:38

Hi Bubble,
It is never going to be easy, you have a very long road ahead of you, BUT, the pain, the guilt, even the tears will eventually lessen, you WILL find once again that its ok to be happy, to laugh. to enjoy what you have, and NONE of this will mean that you have forgotten Bo. I speak from 11 years of experience. My beautiful Matthew died 11 years ago on the 2nd June, suddenly, no warning, no medical explanation. Life was raw, the pain is undescribable, the times when I was here by myself and wanted to end it all to be with him, my lovely only child. Then 4 years later, I attempted ivf, and against all the odds gave birth to triplets, I was 46, I still cannot get my head around it all and they are now 7 yrs old. Rebecca, Thomas and James, my life, my reason to be here. We talk about Matthew all the time, they seem to understand it all, understand when I am hurting. I love them so much, BUT I want them all here, and I can never have it and I find that the hardest thing to accept. I wanted a little girl all my life, I have her, she is so special and wonderful, but I feel I have paid such a high price to have her. The pain never goes Bubbles, but there is life after, albeit a different one, you change as a person, you soon see whats important and what isn`t, you learn to do today, as tomorrow may be too late. Oh dear. I feel I have gone on toooooooo long, but I guess I needed to for me, I will be away next week for Matthews a/v so have been to the cemetery today and taken his card and flowers and I stand there and look at his name on the headstone and cannot believe that he only had 14 yrs, it just breaks my heart. Then I have to say to myself that I was lucky to have had those 14 yrs, others have so much less time with their children. To lose a child at however many years or weeks you have had them is the most painful, worst horrible thing that can ever happen to you, and sometimes I just get so fed up of living with it, round and round my head it all goes. Sorry everyone.

jangus Fri 27-May-05 13:21:51

i wish i could say something to help you, but i can't think of anything.
You are a fantastic person bubble, so strong and you have been so good to me even with everything you are going through. I really do think about you all the time.
I know that you will never forget Bo... you are a wonderful Mum... and i know that the first time I really laughed was when I talked to you, because i knew that you would understand that i wasnt being hateful or disrepectful in anyway. Just because we HAVE to go on with life doesn't mean that our wee ones are forgotten.

hunkermunker Fri 27-May-05 13:28:30

Oh, Bubble - sobbing now and so sad for you.

Words are next to useless, but if you ever need a chat, I'm here, just holler.

Much love, as ever - and never feel guilty for enjoying life - you aren't forgetting Bo, you never will.

MarsLady Fri 27-May-05 13:46:30

I have nothing but admiration for you bubble. Wise words there from triplet. Elijah needs your joy as much as you need to grieve for Bo and I don't think that the two things will ever be completely exclusive. We know how much you love Bo and even those of us who have been lucky not to lose a child realise that it's a pain that you don't get over even whilst it's a pain that changes. You continue to enjoy yourself and have fun (btw hub2dees cucumber became a marrow ) that doesn't mean that you love Bo less. You are such an inspiration to many who post here. You have shared so much reality in your grief. It makes me smile to see you having fun.

Wish I could take it all away for you, but I can't. You're a good woman, a wonderful wife and a brilliant mother!

pinksofa Fri 27-May-05 13:52:06

Bubble I am so sorry that you lost your Bo.
I lost my baby May Rosie at only 7.5 weeks only a week ago and I have been at work, laughed at times as well as cried and wept throughout this period and have had the same sort of doubts. The more I think about it though perhaps by living my life fully I am reinforcing my belief in the importance of life and how precious it is which somehow for me is in remembrance of May. By living I remember her. I wanted life for her because I know how precious it is. Hope this helps.

Please take great care of yourself thinking of you

anorak Fri 27-May-05 13:58:43

You don't have to go round in sackcloth and ashes for the rest of your life to prove that you loved Bo. Having a laugh and getting on with life isn't any kind of statement about your grief, which is personal and will always be there.

But it is a statement about your strength, and the love you have for your living family. xxx

dot1 Fri 27-May-05 14:36:41

oh Bubble - I don't 'know' you, but have thought about you and what you're going through so much - and when I see you being happy on threads it makes me happy and I think 'good for you Bubble!' - of course it doesn't mean you've forgotten your lovely baby - and none of us would ever ever think that. We're all with you and here for both the sad and silly threads - and we're all still remembering Bo and won't ever forget him.

hub2dee Fri 27-May-05 15:20:52

Wotcha bubb...

Hey, go easy on yourself, no one can resist a healthy green vegetable.

Philosophically speaking, we need the laughter to make the tears meaningful. If you were just miserable all the time, that would be your reality, and eventually you'd set a new 'baseline' so to speak. That would be your new way of being, and with no more positive feelings to compare to / experience, ultimately that state would cease to have meaning or significance.

TBH, you are honouring Bo's memory by being great parents to Elijah and loving the coos and the looks and the dribbles, if you think about it. You are also honouring his memory by at times being joyous / frivolous.... he wouldn't want to see you and dh in a ragged mess forever.

Look at all the stuff when you feel up to it, and when you want to. It's good that MN can be a fun release from RL occasionally !

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