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Devastated again

(33 Posts)
LittleGirlLost09 Sun 02-Aug-09 14:17:58

I thought I was getting somewhere, managing to cope and start to accept that I haven't got my mum anymore, but the past few days it all feels fresh again, I miss her so much, and each time I find myself in a situation where I would have called her, asked her advice, told her something, it hits me all over again.

I still dont have anyone I can really talk to and Im just so tired, Im sick of the fact that it feels like everyone at work thinks Im fine, and asks me how my weekend was etc, how the hell do they think it was?! I usually say fine thanks, when I want to scream, it was sh**, I was crying a lot, I was lonely, and my mum just died so how the hell do you think? I wish they wouldnt ask.

Sorry, had to let it out, tried to call my counselling phone service but they arent there on Sundays and I knew this was a safe place to talk. I took Friday as holiday as I was so worn out, but all this time on my own is just making me think more and miss her more. I think on some level I think she'll come back, does anyone else feel that too?

This is just too hard.


pasturesnew Sun 02-Aug-09 14:58:51

So sorry to hear you are feeling this way, it's hard isn't it? After my beloved uncle died I used to see him everywhere and then a person would turn round and be someone completely different (obviously, but sad)

anastasia74 Sun 02-Aug-09 15:34:04

Little girl, I'm so sorry that the grief has become overwhelming again.

I feel for you. I have no advice on how to deal with it as as you know - I'm just dealing with my dad passing away 3 weeks ago.

But try to take comfort from the fact that there are many of us on here struggling with the reality of people being absent from our lives and the physical pain that brings.

I think the weekends are worst time as it tends to be the time we spent most time being with our famililes, also theres no distraction of work.


mumoverseas Sun 02-Aug-09 18:41:15

Littlegirl, I know how you feel. I lost my mum in May and it was made all the more painful by the fact I'd not seen her since December as I live in the Middle East and had returned there at the end of December to have my little boy who was born in February. We'd planned I'd return in June until September and had made so many arrangements and she couldn't wait to meet her new grandson. Sadly, she died 2 weeks before I returned and I will never forgive myself for not returning sooner.
Things are so up and down. I lost my dad 4 1/2 years ago and now that mum has gone too I feel so lonely. I can't talk to DH and its so hard at times. I have two much older siblings and we don't get on, in fact one is being really spiteful and malicious and wouldn't even talk to me at mum's funeral.

I keep wanting to pick up the phone and tell her stuff, like DS rolling over, eating solids etc and sometimes for a split second I forget she is gone.

I find myself getting so angry sometimes on here when I see threads about people hating their mother/father or moaning about them. I'd give anything to have my lovely parents back.

Hugs to everyone else who is in this horrible lonely place xxx

MummyDragon Sun 02-Aug-09 20:38:37

Hugs to all of you who have lost your parents.

My dad died 4 1/2 years ago, and my mum died last year. All I can say is that time does make things better, although the amount of time depends on the individual. Know that you are not alone in feeling absolutely devastated by your loss; and know that it is normal, and healthy, to feel this way - it is your heart's and mind's way of expressing how much the deceased person meant to you. If you hadn't loved them, and been loved by them, you wouldn't feel like this now ...

I don't think there's anything that anyone can say to take the pain away, and sometimes people who haven't lost someone close to them can be utterly unrealistic in expecting us just to carry on as normal within a few weeks/months of the bereavement. But the pain will ease, with time. It will never completely go away, but I for one wouldn't want it to, as I need to hang on to the pain in order to remember my love for my mum and dad, iyswim ...? (I mean this in a positive way, but am probably not expressing it very well).

Sometimes I still can't believe that my mum has gone, and driving past her house etc is difficult, so I avoid it whenever possible. Sometimes I find comfort in visiting my parents' grave; other times I can't bear to go near it.

mumoverseas I get angry with people who moan about their parents too ... it can be really upsetting. But I have to remind myself how lucky I was in having parents who (usually!!) were reasonable, loving, decent human beings.

LittleGirlLost Hang in there - I'm sorry you're feeling so low. Have you contacted Cruse? They are very helpful. I can provide more details if you like.

Remember the good things about your mum; cry and scream as much as you need to, and don't ever feel that you should hold it in or play it down to please other people. Maybe have a chat with your GP? He or she might be able to suggest some other forms of counselling, or sign you off work for a week or two if that's what you feel you need.

Keep posting on here. I wish I'd been a MN regular when my parents died!

How are you feeling this evening?
So sorry for your loss x

nickytwotimes Sun 02-Aug-09 20:47:26

Brilliant post, Mummydragon.
The bit about the pain easing but that you need to hold onto it a bit in order to remember/honour your loved one is absolutely spot on.

It is true that it gets easier.
My Dad died 4 years ago and I didn't believe at the time that I could ever function again, but I did and so did my poor Mum. We all miss him desperately, but it is not so hard and life no longer seems that awful, empty, pointless way that it did after he died. I am lucky though in that I still have my Mum. I cannot contemplate losing her.

Please, talk to whoever will listen. It helps a lot. And cry, sob, scream, thump inanimate objects at the sheer injustice of it all. Let it all hang out!

chimchar Tue 04-Aug-09 09:30:08

oh littlegirl...

i know how you feel. my mum died for weeks ago today. i'm really very tearful and weepy at the mo..i just can't control it.

i keep thinking that its going to i'll wake up and discover its all been a big bad dream...its so overwhelming, that i just can't believe that finality (is that even a word?!)of it...or that its a kind of test that someone is setting me and that they'll come and tell me i've passed or something and my mum will come back... does that sound wierd?

i went to a lovely friends wedding on saturday..i had that awful "lonely in a room full of people" feeling, so much so that i couln't hold it together, and had to go home. sad

i feel quietly let down too by friends who have promised to be there for me, but have moved on now from the immediate shock. it is now i'm starting to crumble.


anastasia74 Tue 04-Aug-09 18:11:17

Chimchar and littlegirl - I feel for you both.

I lost my dad just over 3 weeks ago.

I can really relate to the feelings that you are experiencing.

I too keep getting the feeling that this is a sort of trial I'm going through. But next time around, he'll make it through and be back at home.

Especially at night when I wake up,(still not sleeping well) I go through his last few days over and over again in my head and keep remembering conversations that we had just before he took really ill trying to make of why his body gave up.

For me,I think the problem is that the reality of what has happened is just too devastating to comprehend. The fact that they are gone. Its just too much to take on board. But its like being in limbo. They are not here.

We don't want to accept that thats it.

Lifesabitch Tue 04-Aug-09 19:12:41

I'm on the rollercoaster too....Mum passed away just over 4 weeks ago and I am struggling to deal with it. I miss her terribly and the other day I just got so emotional thinking about the little things like never hearing her voice again or having her hug me sad Seeing people on the street that are obviously mother and daughter hit me too.

chimchar - I feel the same re: friends who said that they'll be there for me but wonder if, because I have good days and bad, that they feel I'm over it. My DH has overall been fantastic but I also feel let down by him as he seems to feel like I'm over it too and doesn't understand when I suddenly go quiet or just feel sad. We talked lots in the beginning but we haven't recently and I feel a little betrayed(?) by that...I don't want to forget Mum or not talk about her! I just feel so numb.

LittleGirlLost09 Wed 05-Aug-09 20:07:25

I want to send hugs and healing vibes to everyone else who is going through this sadness and absolute hell, this really is a supportive community and I'd be more lost if I hadn't found it. I wish none of were here for the reason we are, that we didn't need to be.

I started grief counselling today, I was offered appts starting at 9am, it helped to finally be able to talk to someone about my feelings and thoughts but I cried for almost an hour, my eyes were so swollen by the end of it. Relief to let some of it out but very hard to go to work after, I've been washed out, drained and very emotional all day, I just hope as the sessions go on it wont be quite as intense in weeks to come. I need it so much, but it has taken it out of me to let out everything Ive been holding in. I wish I could get signed off for another week or so, but I think thats expecting too much of my workplace.

I feel quite bitter towards people for not getting how bad it is, how lonely I am, how I need them to make a move to really help me instead of waiting for me to ask, cos I just wont do that with most people. Expecting too much I think.

If only it was all a dream, and I could wake up and my mum would be here and I could say and do all the things I should have done, treasure her for her as a person, treat her like a queen and have her back in my life, hear her voice again, have a hug.

Im glad we all have each other here x

everymum Sat 08-Aug-09 19:54:57

Hello everyone. I also lost my beloved and lovely mum just over three weeks ago and can empathise with everything everyone says.
I am finding it so weird that when I see most of my friends they don't even ask me anything about it and I seem to spend all my time pretending I am fine - which is totally exhausting.

I just feel so very sad for all of the reasons you all say and also it feels totally unreal.

Things I am finding that help: trying to take care of myself as much as I can, sleeping whenever I can, walking in the fresh air, swimming. I'm also seeing a counsellor too which is good but like littlegirl I mostly cry at the moment.

Also I had a reiki session which I recommend.

I hope you are all doing ok tonight. I find weekends harder. But then, it is all hard isn't it? sad

DrNortherner Tue 11-Aug-09 19:57:11

Hello everyone. Its now over 3 months since my lovely dad died, nd i think I a doing a good job of putting on a brave face. Then, sometimes, like now, the face slips and I feel exhausted, achey, and just want to cry and cry.

I miss him so much it actually physically hurts in my heart when i think about him. My mind keeps playing me random memories of me and my dad, things i thought i had forgotten about years ago. I can't switch it off. I keep waking up and wondering where i am, then after a few seconds it all comes back to me. 3 months is too long without haring his voice, seeing his face, i just want to see him again. I know that is totally irational, but i would do a deal with the devil right now to see him one last time.

MummyDragon Tue 11-Aug-09 20:28:39

Hi DrNortherner,

Hugs to you x

chimchar Wed 12-Aug-09 11:03:28

dr northener. you just made me cry! i know what you mean about just one last time...i never got to say goodbye to my mum..its eating away at me. i miss her. i had a text really late the other night, and my first (irrational) thought was that it was my mum wanting to say hi because its been ages since i spoke to her. sad

its only been 5 weeks for me. i still need to help my dad to sort through my mums rush i know, but it needs to be done.

i work term time only in a stressful job...i'm dreading going back...i'm not sure if i can cope.

geekgirl Wed 12-Aug-09 11:11:15

so sorry to everyone here who has lost a parent
my mum died 20 months ago, and it has got somewhat easier now. It's not constantly on my mind anymore the way it used to be, and the times where the grief really grips you are less frequent. I still can't really look at photos of her, much less video.
And it still completely tears me up inside that my children are missing out on growing up with her as their grandma - she was so dedicated and loved them so much. Dd1 was only 8 when she died and misses her terribly. All their other grandparents are useless really and it makes me so angry.

anastasia74 Wed 12-Aug-09 21:41:35

Hi everyone, Its 4 weeks now since my dad died.
Had strange day today. It was warm and sunny as I walked through town, sort of half expecting to see him.

I felt myself sort of fixing my gaze on were I last saw him on different occasions, as if to try and make him re-appear. I used to often bump into him and mum in butchers, tescos or bank as they went just about every day for exercise/to get out and about.

Felt really down went I got back to office.

Its as though my subconscious now and again will not accept that he is no longer here.

Feel so sorry for my mum lately - she seems so lost without him. I know she's keeping strong for us. {{Hugs }}to anyone who is going through this at at moment I feel for you. What a nightmare.

chimchar Thu 13-Aug-09 10:21:12

do you know? i feel like a grown up for the first time in my 34 years....i don't like it.

DrNortherner Thu 13-Aug-09 19:24:19

Anastacia I used to do that too, it is not uncommon for the recently bereaved to 'see' the dead person. I actually thought I saw my Dad, then had ridiculous thoughts that he might not be dead, e might be lost somewhere with amnesia. Irational I know, but totally normal.

I have stopped doing this now, nearly 4 months down the line.

LittleGirlLost09 Thu 13-Aug-09 19:35:41

Having a really bad day, struggling to see the point of anything sad

nicknameidlike Thu 13-Aug-09 19:46:58

to all the sad people big hugs i lost my lovely mum 17 years ago and my dad 13 years i still miss them terribly and think of them every day BUT you do learn to think about them and yes you cry at times but you can also smile when remembering you will never forget them or stop missing them and that is because they were wonderful mums and dads and that is a true testament to living that you are so sadly missed when you are gone trust me it WILL get better sometimes you feel as if you are taken two steps forward and three back but you haave to keep going and going and remember they would not want to see you being sad all the time

anastasia74 Thu 13-Aug-09 19:55:02

Thanks DrNortherner,I'm not going mad then. I suppose it makes sense really when loss is felt so intensely. I suppose its just another stage to get through.

How are you doing today?

Little girl lost.Sorry that you are feeling so down today. Have you got anyone to talk to at the moment.

I always feel a bit better when I've talked to someone who knows how I feel.

Myself just feel exhausted again, worn out with the situation. Glad I'm back at work though. It helps, even though I often feel like bursting into tears. But everyone knows situation, so is quite understanding which helps a lot. Hugs to everyone going through this.

DrNortherner Thu 13-Aug-09 20:32:27

I'm OK today. Broke up from work for 2 weeks so that cheered me up. But off to visit my Mum on saturady and we are choosing dad's headstone, which will be an awful thing to do.....going to her house always makes me sad as my dad's prescence is all around me. She has moved nothing since the day my dad died - his shoes are still in the hallway and his watch on the mantel piece where he put them when he came home from work.

It is just so so hard, but talking about it helps. And sometimes not talking about it helps.

I have read many books about bereavement since losing my dad and one bit sticks in my mind - Grief is the price we pay for loving someone and being loved by someone so much. I would much rather have had my dad and lost him, then never had him as my Dad at all.

Now I am seriously waffling!

Hugs and strength to all of you this evening. Esp Littlegirllost - you sound liek you need it xxxxx

DrNortherner Fri 14-Aug-09 00:13:59

There was me saying I'm OK, when tonight the cloud of grief descended again.sad

I miss my dad so so so much, he was the ornerstone of my family. I miss his input, his advice, his prescence so hugely. I feel guilty for getting on with life, he only died just over 3 months ago, I had him for 32 years - how can i just get on with things now he has gone? It's all wrong.

I always promised him i would trace our family tree, he was so interested in it and did not know much about his family, now i regret never doing it.

I keep googling his name and reading the article that reported on his death - why do i keep doing this? If I look at his picture for too long I cry, so why do i look?

Its strange doing so much with mum, without dad around. It's all just so strange.

mulranno Fri 14-Aug-09 02:36:35

I am having a bad time too...lost my mum (63) to agressive cancer over a few short weeks.

The hideousnous of her final days just goes round and round in my head 24/7.

We lost our dad when we were toddlers....and feel so defined by his death,

Cant believe that we are here again....

trying to get comfort from the fact that our mother was amazing. Gave us so much..we had so much fun....but delighted that I have my brothers and sisters... no one else has a clue to this pain

WhatSheSaid Fri 14-Aug-09 08:28:14

Littlegirllost hang on in there. It's a very very hard thing to go through. It's great you are getting some counselling. Keep talking about it on here. I was desparate to talk about my mum after she died and of course no one wanted to mention her so it was just going round and round in my head...

Losing her was the hardest thing I have ever been through, but it does get better. Keep going. You will get there.

Yes, I too hated and resented that everyone thought I would be "over it" a couple of months later. I hated that people seemed to think that because it was the "natural order" i.e. parents die before children that somehow that made it all OK.

I felt doubly devastated that not only had I lost my mum but that the people I thought would be there to support me weren't. It felt like a kick in the teeth when I was already completely knocked out by the grief.

It's a long process. This week was the first time (21 months after her death) that I looked at a photo of my mum and just felt happy and proud of her, rather than feeling grief and anger (not anger at her, btw, at the lowlife whose inattention to his driving caused her death).

Mumoverseas hello again. Oh I so agree with you about people with petty complaints about their parents. It's those threads along the lines of "Oh, I'm not talking to my mum, she gave a chocolate biscuit to my child" - I'd love to have my mum here stuffing my dd full of chocolate digestives...had to stop reading those sort of threads in the end!

To everyone else, sympathies on your losses, hope everyone is doing OK.

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