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My mum died suddenly 8 weeks ago and I'm lost

(16 Posts)
LittleGirlLost09 Tue 14-Jul-09 18:33:26

Hello, I'm a newby here and I'm not even a mum, so I hope you don't mind me posting, I've been visiting this board a lot and have found you all to be lovely caring people, something I need right now.

My mum died suddenly 8 weeks ago yesterday, we'd just met up on holiday for a few days, my parents were booked for a few days after I went home, but 2 days after I left, on her 63rd birthday, my mum became ill, she was taken to hospital the next day, I hadn't realised how seriously ill she was until the next day, a Saturday morning, at which point I got a taxi booked to get me there as quickly as possible (a 3 hr trip from where I live, about halfway between where I live and their house). I got to the hospital about 4pm on the Saturday, mum was awake but very drowsy so we couldnt have a conversation, besides which she was surrounded by doctors and nurses, they moved her to the intensive care unit a couple of hours after I got there, and were with her for hours, me and dad kept going round to see if we could see her but they kept saying we'll come get you... the next time I spoke to her was when she was wheeled round to go for an operation to drain one of her kidneys, and I kissed her and told her I loved her loads, and she said 'I love you too darling' and that was the last time we ever spoke. She didnt come round afterwards, and went onto lots and lots of machines. It was so hard to handle when you held her hand and she didnt grab it back :-(

Me and dad stayed at the hospital overnight, the next day, overnight again and the doctor and a nurse came to us about 4.30 on the Monday morning to say they had switched off the dialysis machine as it wasnt working, and that mum would die sometime in the next 5 minutes to 12 hours. We were only with her a few minutes when she passed away. i had an overwhelming feeling that I wanted to rest my head gently on her arm, and it was seconds later that she died.

I am so so lost, and so alone. I'm single, and moved to an area for a job almost 4 years ago, where I havent made many friends, so my support is almost non-existant. Dad is up at home, 6 hours away, and isnt coping well at all, we are grieving very differently and find different things more painful than the other, he is very absorbed in his grief which I completely understand, he and my mum were inseparable for 39 years.

I've lost my MUM though, which is just as bad, the one person who has been there for me every second of every day, has been my strength, my confidante, my friend, who has loved me more than anyone in the world can imagine. We had some rows, as you do, but I knew I could count on her for anything, and that she'd support me no matter what. She knows I've had a struggle with loneliness so would go out of her way to make sure birthdays and christmasses were special, she was an amazing, wonderful loving mum who I just cant cope without and I just dont know what to do.

Im putting on a brave face at work but I just cant see a future, I love my dad and need him so much now, but am worried about him. Im on a list for counselling but have a few more weeks to wait yet. How do you get through this with very little support???? All I want is a hug and someone to sit with me for a while.

Sorry this has been so long.

Threadworm2 Tue 14-Jul-09 18:38:48

I'm so sorry that you have lost your mother. All of your post speaks of how much you love her, and the good relationship you had.

It must be so disorientating, so shocking, to have lost her quite suddenly, with just a few days to adjust to the idea of her being ill.

It is not surprising at all that now, 8 weeks later, it is hitting you so hard.

I know that some people will be along with good advice for you, and I hope that you gradually manage to find some peace with her memory.

moulesfrites Tue 14-Jul-09 18:39:17

I am very sorry for your loss. I have not had a similar experience, nor do I have any real advice, but just wanted to answer your post. It seems like your mum was a truly wonderful person. Remember, grief is the price we pay for love x

Lifesabitch Tue 14-Jul-09 18:57:48

I'm so sorry for your loss....I lost my lovely Mum 2 wks ago now and it's still very raw for me sad I don't think it has even sunk in yet. Similarly my Mum was very supportive and loved me unconditionally and I feel like I've lost a big part of me. Luckily I have a brilliant DH and supportive friends around me. I can only say that in my experience so far, you really need to be around people. I have found talking through things to be a huge help....this forum is great for that as at times I just want to talk at people rather than talk with people iyswim just going over the last few weeks of Mum passing. It's a shame that you don't have a network of friends near you - can you email friends from home? Not the same I know but it will help as an outlet....or is there anyone at work that you can chat to? Otherwise, use MN and post on here...you don't need to be on your own.
I'm also in a situation whereby my Dad is still quite self-absorbed in his grief and I don't know how to help him, whilst dealing with what's happened myself. My way of coping is to be selfish...I have been there for my family for a while now but I am now recognising that it's my time now...otherwise I will start to resent people....I was starting to feel that Dad isn't helping me to cope so therefore why should I help him?
Be kind to yourself and don't make any demands on yourself...it's tough going and probably will continue to be for a while yet but I'm sure some counselling will help...I'm waiting for some too. Look after yourself and take each moment at a time [[hugs]]

Threadworm2 Tue 14-Jul-09 19:02:20

I can see from your post how all the details of those days are running through your head so powerfully. I hope that you can keep hold of the positive parts of those hard memories. You were there for her, with your dad. And you at least had the chance to kiss her and tell her you love her. And she told you the same. All the horrible stress of hospital and machines was there too of course, and that is very hard.

My mother died at about the same age, but we had a few weeks warning that she was terminally ill. I can only begin to imagine the difficulty of such a sudden adjustment. The last thing I said to her was something lame, like 'I'll be thinking of you all the time,' and we made a little joke of it. She was hallucinatory a lot of the time and not herself. It is hard to see the person you have known replaced by an image of the illness.

porcupine11 Tue 14-Jul-09 19:29:55

Hello, your post made me cry as I know exactly how you feel and I feel so sad for you; my Mum died suddenly in 2007, and like your Mum she was young really, just 56, and it seemed surreal and so cruel that she should die so young when we were so, so close, and so many people seem to not really care about spending time with their parents - and it sounds like you were like that with your Mum too.

I'm also crying because I rested my head on my mum's arm just before she died too, and it reminds me so much of that moment.

I didn't have a dad, but I have two sisters, and we all grieved in very different ways. It's so hard to talk to someone who was also close to Mum - it all dissolves into tears so quickly, and you feel you have to hold so much back so as not to upset the other person, so you can't really make sense of your feelings. And friends just clam up, as they don't know what to say. I did talk to a counsellor once and that was really cathartic as everything just pours out - perhaps you could ring a bereavement support line while you are waiting for your appointment? My middle sister also found books on grief useful, but I didn't read any. She talked to counsellors alot. My other sister bottled it all up inside and her grief bursts out from time to time in one go, then she bottles it all up again.

So I can't really give any advice, only what everyone says - that it gets easier with time. For at least 6 months I felt like I was walking round & living in a fog. At different points I would think it's starting to get better now, but then a month or so on I'd look back and think I was so messed up at that point... That continued until I got pregnant, then I started to emerge from thinking about Mum all the time I think. My sister was single when Mum died, and she had a really hard time as she felt she had no support. Saying that, I haven't talked about thing much with my now husband, a bit, but not much. It's a sort of silent support. I think counsellors are great because you can just pour everything out. Have you looked for local counsellors outside the group you've been offered (by the hospital?).

sorry to rabbit on so long, i really feel for you and I wanted to let you know that things do get more bearable - as time goes on you will still feel as deeply as you do now, but the periods of doing so will be shorter and less frequent.

LittleGirlLost09 Tue 14-Jul-09 21:35:11

Hello, all your replies have been such a comfort, thank you x

Lifesabitch, Im so sorry you have recently lost your mum too, it is the most heartbreaking thing in the world, and you're in my thoughts, thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I identify with you feeling you might start to resent people, I have done that unfortunately as friends have, apart from 2 close friends who live miles away, avoided me, apart from the odd text or email, and I have found myself resenting them, but I also understand they dont know what to say, and dont want to deal with sadness and grief, but Im angry and feel let down. I think you're doing the right thing and I will try do the same, so that I can be better support for my dad too.

Threadworm, thank you, you're right, it is difficult to accept the suddenness, Ive phoned or chatted online with my mum at least every couple of days for many years and I miss her so much sad I dont think what you said to your mum was lame at all, when my mum didnt wake up and I was talking to her I said some spur of the moment things, things like we'd joke about, hoping she'd hear me and didnt mind me trying to be lighthearted. How are you doing now?

Porcupine, you clearly get where Im coming from too and I appreciate so much you replying to me, we've had such similar experiences it seems sad I am desparate to start the counselling, which is just through a voluntary local organisation, I think my doctors has a counsellor I could see in the meantime, I might try get an appointment. I cried when you said you cried, and I took a lot of comfort from knowing you also rested your head on your mums arm, I didnt know at the time thats the last thing I'd do before she died sad I hope she knew we were there with her.

My mum fought through so much in her life, she deserved to live a long and happy life enjoying doing the things she loved and going the places she wanted to go, life really does suck sometime and its hard to see rhyme or reason to anything at times like this.

Im having to take it on faith that time heals, it doesnt feel like it now, but I can see from people here that its the truth, even though the hurt and missing her will never go away.

Love you mum xxx

DrNortherner Tue 14-Jul-09 21:40:16

Hi there. It is clear from your post just how much you loved your mum sad

I am in a similar place to you, just a bit further down the line. My Dad died suddenly in April, no warning, he was 65. He was everyting to me that your mum was to you. My teacher, mentor, confidante and best friend. My one true ally through thick and thin. And now he's gone.

I am 90 miles away from my Mum who is struggling to cope. I think the sadness you feel for the surviving parent is almost as bad as the grief itself.

I would reccommend this book it makes heavy , depressing ready but has helped me rationalise my thoughts and made me realise that i am not going mad, but grieving and how I feel is entirely normal.

People say it gets better in time, if this is true I guess we will have to wait and see.

But please post here as often as you like. It's a horrible journey we are on, but at least we have people to walk with us.

Take care of yourself
xx

SalVolatile Wed 15-Jul-09 23:03:44

Hi LittleGL< you might know if you have been lurking that Chimchar, Mumoverseas and I have all lost our mums in the last few weeks so we are all here to help sad. it is the most unimaginable loss ever, and your second to last paragraph sums it up for all of us.We will get through it, but when my mum was still talking a few days before she died, she was remembering back 45 years to the death of her own mother, and there were tears in her eyes sad. We will never lose the pain, we will just learn to manage withcit, and from time to time, forget about it. xxx to you at this terrible time. My mum died 31 May and I feel as though the world changed for ever on that day sad

Lifesabitch Sat 18-Jul-09 23:47:24

Hi LGL...how are you doing? Today's been a tough day for me and I just thought of you and hope you're doing ok? I'm still up and down...I suppose it will be like this for a while...

LittleGirlLost09 Sun 19-Jul-09 20:05:44

Hi LaB

Sorry to hear you're having a tough day, I hope you're feeling a bit better this evening? I'm finding it crazy how from one minute/hour/day to the next my moods are all over the place. I had a bad week last week, the world seemed to go totally dark and I saw no point in anything, everything was wrong and I wanted to give up. Today I have been really busy, including finishing a project that my mum spent ages helping me with, so I feel glad about that, as I was scared that her efforts would go to waste, but they haven't. I just hope she knows, wherever she is.

Thanks for the book recommendation DrNortherner, I will have a look at it, think I need to get some books to help me, does it sound weird if I say I don't know what Im thinking? My thoughts are about as all over the place as my emotions and nothing makes sense. Maybe a book, like this forum, will be something to hold on to and help make sense of things. I started to turn to religion/faith for answers, but Im not a religious person, and I cant find comfort there, but that may change.

Salvolatile, Chimchar and Mumoverseas, I'm so sorry you're going through the loss of your mums too, you're all in my thoughts. How are you coping?

x

Lifesabitch Mon 20-Jul-09 09:21:02

Hi LGL...feeling a bit better thanks but my problem is that I'm getting hassled by family re: supporting my Dad....as they can't handle him at the moment (hence my other thread about helping the surviving parent) but their answer is to offload onto me. I really can't take on everyone else's grief when I haven't even dealt with my own feelings...so I really do think I need to see a counsellor. I will recommend that to family too.

I'm not religious either LGL but have an open mind and have found comfort in thinking that Mum has gone to a better place and is still watching over us. Life's too big for it to just end with death isn't it?! Our bodies are just vessels and it's the soul that is our being and that soul just moves onto another place and possibly another vessel, whatever form that may be.

I'm so shocked that so many have lost Mum's in such a short space of time (Salvolatile, Chimchar and Mumoverseas...I'm so sorry for your losses too) xx

SalVolatile Tue 21-Jul-09 22:02:56

Hi girls, thanks for the enquiries, Im lurking, not talking atm because I still miss her somuch every day I am in pain if I start to think about her - like toothache that you suddenly set off sad, but it does help so much to read your experiences as it stops me feeling alone iyswim xxx

myredcardigan Tue 21-Jul-09 22:48:36

Hi Ladies,
I lost my mum suddenly a couple of years ago. She was killed by a drunk driver.

I find it difficult to talk about probably because I am holding onto so much anger over how senseless it seems.

It hasn't yet got easier and I still think about her constantly though I now can go one or two days without crying.

Sorry I cannot offer more support. Just wanted you to know you're not alone.

pindy Thu 23-Jul-09 08:53:18

I lost my mum nealry 6 months ago. It was very sudden, her and dad had to come visit (they live about 40 miles away) for the day - we had a a great time, caught up on all the gossip and what was going to happen etc When they came to leave about 8.30pm we said all the "I Love You's" and hugged etc as we always did.

Off they went and me, DH, DD & DS were all looking forward to seeing them again. I an an only child and therefore the kids and us are very close to my parents.

Dad rang to say they had got home as usual, but NOT as usual he rang just after midnight to say she was dead! She hadn't been unwell or anything, some mobility issues but nothing bad. To cut a long story short she had a massive stroke, and that was that

I still want to chat to her, pick up the phone, pop over. Tell her what the kids have been up to ask for her advice etc etc, but I can't. Some days I just cannot believe it has happened and I expect to see her. My dad is being great but I know he misses her terribly - they were together over 60 years. He manages but I feel so sad for him aswell.

I know we have to move on and we have to some degree, but like will never be the same without my mum, I love her so much.

Take care everyone x

LittleGirlLost09 Mon 27-Jul-09 19:44:17

I'm up and down a lot at the moment. I emailed one of my mums old work friends just before her funeral in May, to tell her the sad news, and she only checked her email and replied yesterday. She said some lovely things about my mum which of course set off the tears. I've been trying to watch movies to keep me busy but so many, even the ones you wouldnt expect, have lines that mean so much and make you cry. There is no escape, I dont feel theres any answer that can help me and right now Im worried about my dad again, he is sorting things out at the house and found something which has upset him and he is dwelling on it a lot, I dont know what to say to make him feel better, I know its not what he thinks, I wish he was closer so I could just go round, not 6 odd hours away. Its all just too much for a person to cope with. Need my counselling to start sad

Just want to say to everyone too, take care... take it easy.

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