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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Probably not the right place but I feel bereft

29 replies

VoluptuaGoodshag · 13/07/2009 10:28

My poor Dad is really ill. He's at the end of his days and it's so painful to watch. I've not really been able to talk about it as I'm trying to be strong for everyone else. My DH is supportive but not in an instinctive way. I'm soooo tired looking after the two kids and going up and down to visit him in hospital and with each drive back home, I'm wondering if it's the last time I'll see him alive. I'm fine one minute and then burst into tears the next.

I feel ashamed to be moaning on here as my Mum and others seem to get on with it without feeling so sorry for themselves. I wish I was more positive about it because he has had a good life but I feel I'm mourning for someone who is still with us. He has dementia, lymphoma, kidney problems and had a mini stroke last week. I'm just wondering what else nature is going to fling at him. He's just a shadow of his former self.

Thanks for reading this far.

OP posts:

Report

VoluptuaGoodshag · 13/07/2009 10:35

Bump!

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onlyjoking9329 · 13/07/2009 12:07

it is a hard place to be kind of like in limbo, in some ways you are already greiving for the things you are about to lose.
find someone outside of the family that you can talk to as that may help, sorry you have this to deal with.

TotalChaos · 13/07/2009 12:09

I'm sorry your dad is so ill and you are going through such a difficult time.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 13/07/2009 12:14

I am so sorry you are all going through this.

My Nana was very ill and every time the phone went I wondered if it was to say she had died. As it was, when the call came I was out.

Can you tell your DH what it is you need him to do? Men can be better at practical support than emotional sometimes.

VoluptuaGoodshag · 13/07/2009 15:15

Thanks for all your kind comments. I think DH has a slightly better understanding now that he has visited over the weekend (it was just too impractical before and someone needed to watch the kids) and realises just what a state my Dad is in. He is good practically but has never been good emotionally and I think that's what I'm missing in support.

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FabBakerGirlIsBack · 14/07/2009 17:06

How is your Dad?

Sidge · 14/07/2009 20:54

I'm sorry your dear dad is so ill. It must be very hard for you, and I know the grieving process can often start before the person dies - it did for me, my dad died in January this year.

I hope your DH can support you. It's such a painful journey

LittleGirlLost09 · 14/07/2009 21:08

I'm so sorry your dad is ill, he, you and your family are in my thoughts during this difficult, very emotional time

VoluptuaGoodshag · 15/07/2009 11:02

Hi folks - you're all so kind.

Mum visited yesterday and said he was very poorly. He was supposed to get home yesterday but it's not looking that way

Feels like it's just a waiting game really.

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georgiemum · 15/07/2009 11:10

It is a waiting game. You will be feeling 'when will it all end and we can get on with our lives' and that will make you feel guilty. It is absolutely normal. It is like being in limbo.

Keep strong, say everything you need to say to your dad now. You will regret it if you don't tell him that you love him. Keep strong for your mum too - she will be tearing up inside. Remember your dad how he was - not how ill he is now.

I am so sorry for you (it was dads anniversary on Tuesday). I know how you feel and it is hellish. It gets better, trust me. It is a long road but be there for each other.

Talk to us lot online - there are lots of us who have been through this (more than once) and you can yell, cry, moan... whatever you need. We'll be here.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 15/07/2009 12:21

The waiting game is awful. Expecting the call, wanting it over with but dreading it all the same.

[hugs]

gero · 15/07/2009 12:48

Can really relate to what you are going through. My mother died last year under similar circumstances. I flew back to be with her for her last week and am so glad I had those last few days at her bedside.
There was time and the space to talk to her and tell her what a wonderful mother she was to all of us. This has been hugely comforting to me in this last year.
You have my sympathy, it is a really difficult time and no matter how old you are ,it is very painful to lose a parent.Use what time you have left to talk to your Father. Keep posting if you can.

VoluptuaGoodshag · 15/07/2009 17:32

Update for today. He's not going to get home now. At best he'll be transferred to another hospital for elderly folks. I don't know whether to be sad or relieved for my Mum as she couldn't cope with him on her own.

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georgiemum · 15/07/2009 17:56

Best for him - he will be more comfortable there and surrounded by kind and understanding staff.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 15/07/2009 19:16

So sorry for you.

When will you be seeing him?

VoluptuaGoodshag · 15/07/2009 19:21

Tomorrow night. Wish I could visit more often but just impossible.

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FabBakerGirlIsBack · 15/07/2009 19:26

Can you take him something nice?

Photos of the children, etc.

VoluptuaGoodshag · 15/07/2009 20:22

I don't think anything would even register with him. He has no interest in anything anymore, is very confused,when he does talk it is gibberish and with a slurred voice - it's shite, really, really shite! Hope I'm allowed to swear on here but can't see the point of asterisks when everyone knows what you mean anyway.

Might take him a hip flask. He used to enjoy a dram.

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FabBakerGirlIsBack · 15/07/2009 20:27

I am so sorry

gero · 15/07/2009 21:43

So sorry to hear of your Dad's condition. Good idea to tale a hip flask, anything really that he might still be able to enjoy.
Treasure these last few days/weeks. See him when you can and talk to him, even if he appears unresponsive. Let him hear how much he is loved. It is very hard, I know, sending all good vibes.

Lilyloo · 15/07/2009 21:57

I would definately take the hip flask.
My mum went through this for 2+ weeks at the hospice (was 45 when she died) most of her talking was gibberish yet she kept a diary and that showed she had more understanding of what was happening
It is a limbo that is like nothing else. I am so sorry.

gero · 16/07/2009 18:25

How is your Dad today.? Hope he enjoyed his dram.

VoluptuaGoodshag · 17/07/2009 16:12

Hi Gero

I didn't take it in the end. Don't think he's even capable of that. He's just a wee soul. He was happy to be stuffing paper hankies up the leg of his pyjamas

Sorry but if I don' laugh I'll cry. Shall visit again tomorrow

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gero · 18/07/2009 17:11

You really do have to laugh just to get through this sad time. If your Dad is being well looked after then all you really can do for him is to visit as much as possible. It may not seem that he knows you, but deep down there can be some recognition. It is a very emotional time, and I am thinking of you.

VoluptuaGoodshag · 20/07/2009 00:17

Thanks Gero. It's amazing what I get used to in a short space of time. Even yesterday when he really hadn't a clue I was there or who I was and was quite agitated and aggressive I wasn't quite as perturbed about it. I'm feeling not so bad today. I guess it's all natures coping mechanism.

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