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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

My lovely dad died yesterday- still numb- feel like I'm in someone's nightmare

70 replies

anastasia74 · 12/07/2009 17:54

My lovely dad died yesterday. Can't believe its us in this situation - it does'nt seem real.

My dad had a heart bypass almost 2 weeks ago, we all thought it would be fairly routine and although we were worried for him in hospital, did not for a second think that this would be the outcome.Doctors were so pleased with his recovery. He took ill after just one day at home- started getting breathless and then spent 5 days in ICU with an infection. In the end his heart could not take the strain and it failed. Been to spend day with my poor mum, hurts so much to see that life is just going on as normal for everyone and our family are devastated. Keep expecting to see his face at the window, he had a habit of just popping up to our house. He never just walked in. He would stand looking in at the lounge window.Can't believe I'm never going to able to talk to him again. Heartbroken.

OP posts:

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flier · 12/07/2009 17:58

so sorry for your loss, anastasia. One of my mums favourite memories of her dad is of him doing the same, peering in through the window . It won't seem real for quite some time, I'm sure.

Hassled · 12/07/2009 18:01

I'm very sorry. And I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but there's nothing like the pain of a sudden bereavement (or any bereavement). You just have to keep telling yourself that he didn't suffer over a long period, and will be at peace now.

nickschick · 12/07/2009 18:02

Im so sorry for you.

This is raw grief and it will always twist at your heart,losing a parent is never fun even for those of us who dont have such a close bond.

In time you will take peace from the fact he is at rest and that because you feel so sad he did a truly wonderful job as a dad.

Theres lots of ways that might help you cope and in time you will find what suits you - but grief has to be handled you have to go through all the elements before you can find peace and understanding within you.

Theres no easy way through,I lost my mum when I was 11 and 2 weeks ago my 'real' dad died.

I dont know what your beliefs are but I like to believe they can see me and are still with me.

Someone once told me 'dont cry because they arent her,smile because they were'.

hugs xxxx

nickschick · 12/07/2009 18:02

should read here not her.

ilovesprouts · 12/07/2009 18:10

sorry to hear your news

Notalone · 12/07/2009 18:12

I am so sorry for you and your mum. He sounded like such a lovely father and you must be devestated. Do you have a good support network around you?

shabster · 12/07/2009 18:18

So sorry for your loss.

He sounds like he is a lovely Dad - the people we really, really love never die, they may not phsyically be here but, I believe, they are always around us.

I know what you mean about the world 'keeping turning' even though your world seems to be crashing down around your ears. I remember, when I had each of my 4 sons, being amazed that when I looked out of the window my little part of the World was just rolling by as normal!!

Take care and, as a family, hold each other tight - cry, remember, and try to smile when you think of your Dad. xxxxxx

OrmIrian · 12/07/2009 18:19

Oh so sorry anastasia

anastasia74 · 12/07/2009 18:19

Thankyou for all your words of comfort. I have supportive husband, who was also very close to my dad as they shared a lot of interests and my sister who I'm also close to. But I still it feels so painfull. I can't even imagine being in this place and not having anyone to lean on.

OP posts:

TotalChaos · 12/07/2009 18:24

very sorry anastasia.

carocaro · 12/07/2009 18:26

I am sorry sorry to hear abouy your Dad, such a shock for you all and so so very sad and unexpected. Huge hugs to you. xx

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy · 12/07/2009 18:27

so very sorry for your loss

mumoverseas · 12/07/2009 21:04

I'm so sorry for you loss. It is a terrible place to be. I lost my wonderful dad 4 1/2 years ago and then my mum 6 weeks ago.

I totally agree with shabster in that we may not actually see the people we've lost but they are still there and I like to think mum and dad are looking down on me and were watching my baby boy getting baptised in their church this morning. Thoughts like that keep me going and help me hold it together.
Hugs to you and your mum x

WorldofSab · 12/07/2009 21:16

((XXX)) so sorry to hear - take care of yourself in the coming weeks pet. It DOES ease, and it will stop hurting so acutely, but please please let yourself grieve

x

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 12/07/2009 21:21

I'm so sorry Anastasia, he sounds like he was a fantastic dad.

Take time to grieve and cry as much as you want to. Trying to be strong when you really can't be is a waste of energy.

Take care xxx

2shoes · 12/07/2009 21:22

anastasia74 so sorry for your loss, my dad died in feb and it is awful, if you ever need anyone to "chat" to let me know.

DrNortherner · 12/07/2009 23:19

REally sorry to hear this. My lovely dad died in April and it is the worst ever time in my life.

Lovely Dads are simply irreplacable

whispywhisp · 13/07/2009 09:51

So sad to read this...I also lost my Dad almost 5yrs ago. It still hurts today as much as it did the day he died. People used to say to me time is a healer. I never believed them but it is, eventually. Doesn't happen straight away but as the time moves on it does get slightly easier.

Losing my Dad was what brought me to Mumsnet...I couldn't cope and felt so alone. I made some wonderful friends on here - shabster being one of them....(thank you) and it was a comfort to know I wasn't quite so alone and that loads of us Mums/Dads that use this website have also lost parents so knew exactly how I felt.

You will be ok anastasia - it is still very early days for you but he will be watching every step you take and remember...he wouldn't want you to be unhappy....xxx

aristocat · 13/07/2009 10:03

so sorry for your loss

there are many of us MNers who understand the pain of losing someone - if you need to talk this is the right place

let your DH be there for you and wipe away your tears, its very hard to accept but life is always changing
have something special of your dads and keep it close to you

MamaG · 13/07/2009 10:05

So very sorry to hear this anastasia

anastasia74 · 13/07/2009 17:46

Thanks everyone for your comforting words. It really helps to know that a lot of people know what I'm going through.

I had a really bad wave of emotion yesterday evening. It was a lovely sunny evening and it would have been around about visiting time at the hospital. I had an overwhelming feeling to be near him, as we would normally have been getting ready to go to see how he was.

I saw a funeral on the way to mums today, and it would not really register that we were in that position, I'm still very much in shock I think.

The funeral director is coming tomorrow, so its going to be a very difficult day in coming to terms with events.

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whispywhisp · 13/07/2009 18:39

anastasia...glad you're ok. Tomorrow will be a very tough day but you will get thru it - you have to - but he will be with you throughout the day, as he will be every day for the rest of your life....

I often find myself talking to my Dad or simply sitting down and looking up at the sky wondering which star is him - i know he is up there somewhere watching, listening, smiling and enjoying a pain-free, quiet, relaxing time!

You will go thru so many days of feeling good, sad, angry, unhappy, happy, content, scared, desperately lonely etc etc....it is a time of roller-coaster emotions but I can remember so many MNrs say to me when my Dad died that by coming on here, if anything, shows how much I loved my Dad and how much he loved me. We're only human after all. Never hold back the tears - let them flow - sod what anyone thinks....it hurts to keep them inside so let them out. I cry even now if I see a photo of my Dad or someone mentions his name or when I drive past the cemetary where he is buried. He has a permanent place in my heart and he will stay there forever. I've never said goodbye to my Dad - never will do either because it isn't goodbye...when I went to see him at the Chapel of Rest I told him how much I love him not how much I loved him...because I'll always love my lovely Dad.

Good luck with tomorrow. Will be thinking of you. xxxxxx

LilRedWG · 13/07/2009 18:44

Anastasia - I am so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how confusing and painful a time this is.

MNers have helped me terrifically and it is a comfort to know that there is pretty much always someone on here to chat to or cry at about Dad. I hope you find some comfort here too.

Thinking of you. x

anastasia74 · 14/07/2009 18:31

Thanks everyone for your words of comfort. Today was strange - in that when funeral people came it just felt like we were talking about someone else's dad not mine. I did'nt have the churned up, choked feeling that I had had the day before.

Don't know how long this will last but I feel glad of the relief from these feelings.

Absolutely dreading the funeral next week.

This time next week it will all be over. Not really come to terms with the fact that I will never see my lovely dad again - be able to sit down and have chat with him.

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LittleGirlLost09 · 14/07/2009 18:42

I'm so sorry for your loss Anastacia.

It is the worst thing in the world to lose a parent and I can identify with your dread about the funeral. I had to take a sedative on the day and it helped a lot, the funeral was so sad, especially when they played my song for my mum, but I had to see it as a way to start saying farewell but also to celebrate who my mum was and how she touched so many people's lives. I hope maybe you can do the same.

Its hard finding the words to say, but Im thinking of you.

c

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