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When does it get easier?

(15 Posts)
tots2ten Sat 27-Jun-09 22:06:43

My mum died 14 weeks ago, I find it is getting harder not easier. I miss my mum. I am still not sleeping properly, i keep waiting for the phone to ring. I woke up this morning and picked up the phone to phone to see how my mum was. I am waiting for breavement counselling. I am supposed to be going back to work, but i really cant face it.

I am okish during the day, the dc's keep me busy, its the nights they are so long.

mumblecrumble Sat 27-Jun-09 22:08:38

So sorry.

You should call people who can help you - look on tinternet? Sorry I;m crap and have no info. I just really hope it get easier soon. I;m sureit will, with work.

bargainhuntingbetty Sat 27-Jun-09 22:14:30

In my experience of these things (and I am only talking about personal experience here), after the 1st of everything has past (i.e first birthday, 1st xmas etc) the pain starts to ease, until then you are just going along trying to get through the days, as time goes on it does fade and you will start to talk about your mum without that gut wrneching pain that you are feeling right now. Give yourself time, it is still very raw and new for you. Give yourself time and allow yourself to grieve, you have avery right to feel sad for as long as you need to.

So sorry for your loss. sad

tots2ten Sat 27-Jun-09 22:20:58

thank you. I am seeing my gp again on wednesday, so will ask how long the conselling will take. I may ring my mums lung cancer nurse as she also mentioned about conselling. We have only just got through the 1st birthday, but its the same day as my dd1. So its always going to be a harder day if that makes sense.

I found out i was pregnant the week before she died so am very hormonial.

wrinklytum Sat 27-Jun-09 22:22:32

Have you been in touch with the CRUSE organisation whilst waitng for counselling ?

tots2ten Sat 27-Jun-09 22:24:51

wrinklytum, no will google them now. Thank you

Onlyjoking Sun 28-Jun-09 10:06:16

sorry to hear your mum died.
i am not sure you can put a time frame on grief thou often other people will decide on a time frame for you.
dunno about things getting easier they seem to change but not always easier just become different as you adjust to the new normal.
theres lots of adjustments to be made and new discoveries of things you han't thought of like the words of songs that you have always sung appear to take on new meanings to the words.
take your time with this stuff there are no rules and no short cuts either.

Hassled Sun 28-Jun-09 10:14:17

I'm very very sorry for your loss.

The "missing the person you've lost" part doesn't get easier, but coping with that feeling DOES get easier. I can't put a timeframe on it, but 14 weeks is no time at all. And it will be gradual - don't expect to wake up one morning and feel "normal". You just get more and more used to the extra baggage, until it becomes part of who you are and you realise that you can still be happy despite the baggage.

thirtysomething Sun 28-Jun-09 10:23:17

tots I'm very sorry for your loss. As others have said everyone deals with things differently, in their own time; it's a very personal thing as to how long it will take for you to reach emotional acceptance of your loss - intellectual acceptance comes a great deal earlier. I think bereavement counselling is a very good idea - where in the country are you? Lots of hospices offer free bereavement counselling for anyone, not just relatives of their own patients. You don't need a GP referral for this. Also CRUSE are very helpful - a national bereavement organisation.

Onlyjoking Sun 28-Jun-09 12:32:52

we have a wonderful macmillan nurse who has been with us for almost two years, she was a huge support during my DHs illness and death and continues to support me and the kids.

IkeaCatalogue Sun 28-Jun-09 13:08:27

yes, grief is a very personal thing, what is normal for you is what is normal for you if you see what I mean

14 weeks is a very short time indeed, and you may not feel 'better' for ages sad

Another vote for counselling - I had a course to help me to deal with and process the experience I had with the death of my dear father

Please take care, and be kind to yourself

I am so sorry for your loss

tots2ten Sun 28-Jun-09 13:43:58

We never got a mac nurse, she died before we got to meet them. We had interim carers in, I wanted to get her home as soon as possible as you could see the change everyday. So we never had the hospice nurses. But the carers were a part of the hospice just more of a agency (if that makes sense)

I phoned cruse last night and left a message so hopefully they will contact me soon.

I keep going over and over the last 2 weeks of her life, i know that there was nothing that I could of changed, but still keep thinking 'what if?'

I really dont like talking either, as i start crying, (i dont like people seeing me cry) I am trying to be strong for my sister, brother, dcs, and even my dad although at the moment i am angry with him, he didnt help us at all with my mum, he refused to take time off work when we needed him, but now that she is not here he is off on the sick. his excuse was he couldnt let people in work down, and yet he can and did let us down. but mostly he let my mother down. He ruined our last xmas with my mum as he went out xmas eve got totally pi**ed and was hungover xmas day. We all knew it was her last xmas.

pickyvic Sun 28-Jun-09 13:43:59

so sorry for your loss...

my own experience is that grief a bit of a roller coaster. somedays your ok and others you so aren't.

its such a personal thing that its hard to say when it gets easier but in the end i think you just learn to live with it and it does get easier.

i wasnt myself for months and months and thats ok. i lost my sister, and 'mum' (nan but she brought me up as mum) within a month of each other, there is no formula for grief, you just work through it at your own pace and in your own way and thats ok.

take care and use the counselling.

tots2ten Sun 28-Jun-09 13:44:35

sorry that turned into a bit of a rant.

mulranno Wed 01-Jul-09 12:20:10

tots2ten...my experience of grief is that it comes (and goes) in waves...I can have a bad night/morning/week...but will resurface and come back up again. For me it is always with me day and night. I also go through the last days and weeks..think this is just your brian unscrambling all the info and coming to accept the horror of what has happened. Tiredness and exhaustion are parts of grief so take rest when you need it. We have issues of how my brother and others behaved around my mothers illness and death...some people "cope" in different ways. Anger is another feature of grief. I am glad that I did not miss one second with my mother. I value this time...and pity my brother and think it is his loss.

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