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Mum who has lost a mum

(5 Posts)
gillyone Mon 15-Jun-09 16:56:01

Anyone out there who has lost their lovely mum very close to becoming a mum ? My mum died in March 2009 and my daughter arrived in April 2009. i feel so alone nothing gives me pleasure like it used to walks in the park looking around the shops all is so empty now i cant share anything with her. we used to talk 5 times a day and always holiday together. I know it's a process but the fact that at the moment nothing makes me feel better is very upsetting. my partner is great but i am at home all ady with too much time to think. Is anyone else going through this ?

Sarasue Mon 15-Jun-09 19:36:39

I know how you feel. I lost my mum (best friend) 2 days before my first daughter turned 2 that was nearly eight years ago now and I still miss her everyday. The worst time was when I had my second child 3 years ago, suffered bad post natal depression and my partner found it hard to understand as he had only been around since I had lost mum. I still want to ring her when the kids do something great or I am having a bad day/good daybut I cope with it better now, I have the odd day when I cry and miss her more than other days, started crying now!. It will get better, you learn to be without them, she wouldn't want you to be sad, she loved you and would have loved the baby, the best thing you can do is try your hardest to be as good a mum as she was, thats what I do. There is nothing wrong with missing her its natural and normal. If you feel like you are sad more than happy please speak to your GP or health visitor they do help. Good luck

pamelat Mon 15-Jun-09 19:44:32

Hello, am very sorry for your loss.

My friend lost her mum when she was 26 weeks pregnant. It was her second child and she found it very hard to deal with (as I am sure everyone would). She had to come back over to the UK (pregnant) to look after her mum in her last few weeks and says that because she was pregnant and then with a baby, she never grieved. Its only now, 3 years on, that she can try to grieve.

Sorry, know none of this is enough sad

chattysoul Sat 20-Jun-09 08:32:18

So sorry gilly to hear your mum died before your daughter was born. I know EXACTLY how you feel as my mum died four years ago when I was nearly 20 weeks pregnant, after a long two year illness in a nursing home.

I too remember all the emptiness when I was bringing up my son Joshua that first year. It slowly gets easier but I didn't get enough help, I became a single parent so my isolation grew.

All I can suggest for now is don't let yourself become too isolated somehow i.e. speak to Cruse, read material (if you get time of course!) from their website, poetry can be helpful as it is reflective and gentle on the soul. Try and find people who have been bereaved who you can talk to. I can honestly say I didn't and still don't get support from those who haven't been bereaved, they have no idea. At least that has been my experience.

I isolated myself more and more as I became a single parent too when Joshua was five months, although I get on well with my ex he isn't too much of a problem, but single parenting is doubly isolating in its own way.

I am still on my own now and the reason for this I believe is because I did not get sufficient help when I needed it. I am now waiting for Cruse counselling on a one to one basis. I am an only child so I guess that can make the isolation a bit worse.

I am too used to isolating myself and avoiding people, I think a lot of it is to do with my mum, I hope these words help you a little and I want to know I feel for you and totally understand the emptiness.

It does get slowly less and less of a trauma although I do feel very bitter that Joshua has been deprived of a grandma and I have lost my mum who was a true friend who loved me deeply. I am just having a downer at the moment I think it is because it is summer and we are supposed to feel happier when the sun is shining and I just don't!

I will keep coming back to this message board to check you are okay.

Until then please bear in mind you are not alone.

Take care and wishing you all the very best.

chattysoul x

ohfuschia Sat 20-Jun-09 21:33:19

I am sorry you have lost your mum, my lovely mum also passed in March this year and I am expecting my first baby on July 20th. It cuts me deeply that she won't get to meet him and he won't benefit from knowing such a beautiful, kind woman as his grandma. For her funeral my brother-in-law put together a montage of pictures, and in most of them she is holding one of my nephews and nieces with such joy in her face, I keep looking at the pictures and think of what my son will not have, but try and remember how lucky I was that she was my mum, and every time I feel sad I should put it into love for my baby because that would be what she would want. I know how hard it is going round the shops, not having her to chat with inanely like I can't do with anyone else. I was in Mothercare the other day choosing some outfits for the baby and I had to take myself off to the toilet and have a cry because she wasn't there to help me choose. It wouldn't have helped if anyone else had been there either, she was the only person I wanted. I am glad that she knew at least that I was expecting, she was so thrilled, but I know that when my son arrives there will be bittersweet moments and I am just hoping that overall I cope ok. So you are definitely not alone, I am lucky like you in that my partner is also great (sadly he has lost both his parents so understands), and he has helped me realise that there is no magic wand that takes this all away, noone comes down from the sky to make it all better. I guess you can get help and I think on and off about bereavement counselling but at the moment am not sure if it would help or make me feel worse - how can a stranger ever know how special my mum was? Like you, I was very close to my mum, I miss that phone not ringing and no point in checking the ansaphone like I used to. Sorry this is no practical help as it sounds like I am in a similar place to you, I just let the tears come when they come (they build up like pressure inside me that has to be released) and try and take pleasure in everything that she taught me to look out for, the wildflowers at the roadside, the birds in the garden, the position of the moon - just little things that give me comfort. I wish you comfort too, and everyone that is missing someone. x

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