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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

9 years ago and still miss them so much

18 replies

aristocat · 13/06/2009 22:28

hello, at the moment i am really missing my lovely parents who passed away 9 years ago.
dad died in december 1999 and mom the following july, both were sudden and i still miss them dearly.

i have a super DH and his parents try to help me as much as possible - its not the same but they mean well.

i know my parents would have loved my DCs so much, yet it was only after they died we decided to start our family. my life was great[going out/holidays/working hard] and then it collapsed.

it is not like when they first died, but even now something happens and my first reaction is "to tell mom about it"

anyway, no replys needed i am missing them today and needed to do somthing.

OP posts:

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thumbwitch · 13/06/2009 23:01

for you - it is coming up to the 2nd anniversary of my Mum's unexpected passing as well and I feel it now more than ever. She never saw my lovely DS either as I was 19 weeks pg when she died.

Have an unMNly ((hug)) on me.

SalVolatile · 14/06/2009 20:11

OMG I have only got through the first two weeks and can't bear it

mumoverseas · 14/06/2009 20:59

It is so hard isn't it. Its been 4 1/2 years since I lost my dad and 3 weeks since mum and the funeral is tomorrow morning. I'm dreading it and don't know how I am going to get through the day but I must as I have to do the very best for my mum as she was so wonderful. Am trying to practice reading a poem that I'm reading at mass tomorrow which was written by my mum years ago when her first son died aged 3 years old. I can only get halfway through before I breakdown and cry. Think its because I've got a new baby boy which mum didn't see which makes it even harder.
Hugs to everyone who has lost a parent x

SalVolatile · 14/06/2009 21:33

Mumoverseas - All my love and support to you for tomorrow - I amazed myself by getting through the whole thing without a tear - just forced myself to stay stiff and focused and kept my eyes firmly away from any one who was upset and it really, really helped. I didn't want to break down there and then ; i really feel for you

aristocat · 14/06/2009 22:48

to mumoverseas all the best for tomorrow.
hope you find strength to get through the day.
am feeling alot better today
thanks everyone

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 15/06/2009 08:59

mumoverseas - hope today goes ok for you. Thinking of you.

abraid · 15/06/2009 09:11

So sorry for those who've lost parents. Thinking of you, mumoverseas.

abraid · 15/06/2009 09:11

So sorry for those who've lost parents. Thinking of you, mumoverseas.

mumoverseas · 16/06/2009 15:21

hi all, thanks so much for all your kind messages and support over the past few weeks.
Had what seemed like the longest day ever yesterday and so glad it is over. Left home at around 7.30am to drive down to where mum lived for the funeral mass at 10.30. Was very early but better to be early than late for mum's funeral. I was ok at the church except when mum was carried in and out. I was so proud as the coffin was carried by my two brothers, my mum's brother from Ireland who I don't really know (only see each other at funerals) and my DS who is nearly 16. I was so proud and know nanny would have been proud to have him carry her as he was the oldest grandchild and I'm sure he was always the favourite as he spent so much time with her when he was younger.
I managed to hold it together long enough to read 2 of the 4 verses of one of the poems mum had written when her first son died and DD aged 13 read the second half as I knew I'd struggle with some of the words as it said 'my darling son' and think that really got to me because of my baby boy who is 4 months old. DS also read the psalm which was nice. Am so proud of him. My brothers and their family wouldn't do any readings so it was down to me and mine.

We had a little reception at the church hall for all those that weren't coming to the burial then at 3pm we laid mum to rest with my dad and brother at the family grave at Guildford. It was a lovely service and my aunt who is a nun did the service rather than get a priest so it was very personal. I then read the second poem mum had written for my brother, 'The Gate' which ended with saying how she would meet him at the gates of heaven. I didn't think I'd be strong enough to do it so DS was standing next to me ready to take over but I managed it as I had to for mum, it was the last thing I could do for her although I know my voice was very shaky the last few lines.

My baby boy wore the clothes that my mum had bought him and DD2 wore a dress that mum had bought for her that was in the bag with my baby's clothes that I found last week when I went to her house to choose some clothes for her to wear.

It was a lovely sunny day and in between tears I felt calm when mum joined my dad and brother. She is at peace now (I have to keep reminding myself of that).
Anyway, thats enough of my doom and gloom, I must try to be positive now and be happy that mum and dad are togther with their first born.

Am very proud that DS has signed up for a charity parachute jump 3 weeks after his 16th birthday next month to raise money for GOSH, my mum and dad's charity (it was where my DB was treated before he died)
Ironically, the date he was given is the anniversary of DB's death.

ajandjjmum · 16/06/2009 15:32

You were so brave - and the strength your Mum gave you will stay with you.
x

mulranno · 16/06/2009 21:25

Mumoverseas you should be very proud of yourself and all of your lovely children for doing your very best and delivering a wonderful tribute to your lovely Mum. This will comfort you thru the toughest days. Take Care...M

SalVolatile · 16/06/2009 22:02

mumoverseas, you were so brave and I felt every step wit you; it's been a week since my mum's funeral and I feel as though I am dragging myself through every day tbh . I always thought of myself as strong and somehow I dont seem to be. There is a moment every single day when I find myself expecting to ring her/her ring me and it creeps up o me without warning each and every time....

thumbwitch · 16/06/2009 22:47

wow, mumoverseas, kudos to you that you managed to read at the funeral - none of us were able to do it at my Mum's. Well done indeed and well done your DS for doing a charity parachute jump - bravery must run in your family!

Sal, I know what you mean - it does go away after a while but then you miss it when it does go and feel guilty that it's gone; but as they say, that too will pass. I found it was the "oh I'll just ring mum and ask her/tell her that.. oh no, I can't" moments that hit the hardest. I still have her number on my mobile phone though - 2 years down the line. It's as though deleting it will somehow delete her, which is just a bit silly but still.

mumoverseas · 17/06/2009 07:13

morning, hugs to you Sal, it is so very hard isn't it. I just felt I had to hold it together on the day of the funeral as my mum was such a strong lady and she held it together at my dad's funeral 4 years ago. Think everything finally got to me yesterday as when I woke up I felt very ill, totally exhausted.
I know exactly what you and thumbwitch mean about the phone. I keep wanting to phone her and it takes a few seconds before I remember I'll never talk to her again. Its not silly thumbwitch, I think its normal. I am never going to delete mums number from my phone.
Am still feeling so guilty she didn't get to meet her new grandson and would do anything to turn back time and have come home sooner but I like to think she is looking down on him now.

Am dreading the next few weeks alone with DCs 3 & 4 aged 2.8 and 4 months. DS1 flew back to Saudi last night to finish his D of E school trip and DH has just left for Heathrow now to go back to Saudi until 10th July. Not sure I'm going to cope as don't really know anyone in our area, only neighbours, no mums with little ones. Will have to make an effort to drag myself out and try to make some friends for myself and DCs.

Thank you again ladies for all your support, it feels very lonely at times without any RL friends around to talk to

thumbwitch · 17/06/2009 08:59

mumoverseas, have you joined a MN local group? you might find there are some MNers local to you. Are you going to be staying in that area long term now?

aristocat · 17/06/2009 14:03

mumoverseas just wanted to tell you how brave you were at the funeral, i could not have done that in a million years.

however i did get lots of sympathy at moms funeral because it was so soon after my dads and this just made me go to pieces more!

still get the phone thing now but not every day, it will get better. i am 9 yrs now and often feel lonely without them here.

good luck with your search for new friends, am sure you will make some easily.

OP posts:

mumoverseas · 19/06/2009 18:41

thank you aristocat I HAD to do it if that makes sense? I can't believe how much I miss my mum and can't stop wishing I'd phoned more, visited more etc.

Am glad DD has made a few little friends here and I'm going to a MN meet up tomorrow although I feel a bit guilty about enjoying myself so soon after losing mum

thumbwitch · 19/06/2009 19:02

ah I know what you mean, mumoverseas, about the guilt - When my Nanna died (I was even closer to her than to my Mum) I was booked to go on holiday to Indonesia just afterwards. I felt so guilty when I realised that I was still enjoying my holiday, even though I should still be mourning my Nanna - and then I realised that she would have wanted me to enjoy it and that helped me.

Hope it helps you too.

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