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friendship after babyloss

(8 Posts)
crayola Sat 06-Jun-09 12:00:50

Quick background - lost a baby a few years ago, taken us till now to get pregnant again. Have lost some friendships on the way.

I have given it a lot of thought and perhaps it is a fair comment that I have not been as supportive a friend as I would normally be. The fact that the difficulties have gone on for so long has left me with less spare emotional energy for anyone else. That's not to say I have disappeared into a total bubble of self-absorption; there have been times where I have felt better and been able to support people.
Other times I have felt withdrawn, and just spoken to people who I find helpful, rather than those who make me feel worse. I have been guilty of not returning calls, and this has then led to jealousies between friends in the same social circle. At the time I saw nnothing wrong with just letting in people who I found positive, but it is so hard dealing with the flak from offended people.

No-one really understands how what happened destroyed us, and the worst people have been those with children the same age who get all huffy about the fact we don't see their kids, despite explaining how hard it is.

I have lost 2 social circles because of this, and now it seems like another might bite the dust. One person is upset I have been speaking to another person more, I have been up all night worrying about it. While I think the person I have been chatting to more is a gem, I am now scared to continue this in case the other person hears and gets huffy. But am worried about explaining the situation to the gem friend in case this gets miscontrued as bitching.

I also wish I was stronger, but there are times I have had not energy reserves for myself let alone anyone else; it seems really harsh that people don't get this, even if you explain it. And that this can continue for awhile, and certainly for me has been resurrected by what is currently going on for me.

Maybe this issue is that prior to this, I had more room for people's issues and was always sweet and sympathetic; and now, just as a way of survival, sometimes have to conserve energy for myself. And people find it hard to adjust to the change, and take it personally?? That is the only explanation I can think of. As well as the fact that people find death hard to deal with, so it's easier to blame the bereaved party than face up to walking alongside them in their sadness (which might take a long time - which people don't have in this day and age?)

Anyhow, hoping to feel better having typed this out. I don't know if anyone has experienced similar or it sounds like things are my fault in any way?

SparklingSarah Sat 06-Jun-09 13:16:20

No it's not your fault.

Some people have never had to deal with grief in such a way before people are great for about 3 months and then they don't really get that you have to have days where you feel bright and positive and you can see that light and other days where everything hurts like nothing has ever hurt before.

I'd sit down with as many of them at a time as you can/want to and say be honest.
That right now the energy sapped with getting bak to a way of life you know is all you can manage.
You will never be back to normal - too much has happened - what you can be is the new you the stronger you

tell them it hurts most of the time to see their kids and you need time to deal with that every step of their children brings it back.
Huffy people - eradicate them.

Tell them some days you feel great some days not so and just like them some days you're superwoman and other days stay in bed never to move again woman.

If they can't accept it move along - some people simply just aren't meant to be around.

Take care

ilovechoclate Sat 06-Jun-09 15:03:38

First of all i'm very sorry you lost your precious baby , my baby son passed away 4 and 1/2 yrs ago at so i know just how devastating it is.

I think you have to be selfish hon and look after yourself, friends who are huffy are just not needed!! I think in life friends come and go and though its sad you mustn't allow people in your life who bring you down.

Baby loss is such a life changing,soul destroying thing, my god i thought i knew pain and grief but i never did until my son died. I lost friends over the last few yrs but now i couldnt care less, they were the ones who were sympathetic for the first 2 mths or so then couldnt understand why i couldnt "move on"" omg!! i could've strangled some.

I agree with Sarah that sitting down with your friends and being totally honest , if they are real friends they will understand and probably be realieved to know why at times you withdraw from them. I really hope you can do this hon, i did and it was such a release to let out to friends just how awfull i felt at times.

It is so hard losing friends but the ones who stick around are the ones worth your friendship,

take care.

crayola Sat 06-Jun-09 17:29:26

I live at least 50miles from most friends, and am fairly housebound at the moment, so meeting face to face will be a bit tricky. But perhaps something possible a few months down the line.
I have really tried to put a brave face on things, as suggested by my husband, and pretend to be OK; partly out of "good manners", and partly 'cos people who saw the tears and pain ran a mile, so I learned to try to keep things in check in company.
Perhaps this has confused people.
I think all I can do is just wait till I feel a bit stronger - the "bad days" come in waves and I think this w/e is just a blip - and then call the person who has been huffy; I think she has been having a difficult time and maybe awkwardness and her own feelings of isolation have come across as being a bit off.

Thanks for leaving me a message, I feel a bit better and will go gently on myself this weekend. I think there is some Galaxy in the fridge

ilovechoclate Sat 06-Jun-09 18:14:13

Galaxy sounds good! grin

Glad your feeling a bit better.

SparklingSarah Sat 06-Jun-09 18:49:16

that's it!!

the cookie galaxy comes high on my must eat list!

crayola Sat 06-Jun-09 20:51:13

Can go now one better than Galaxy, my hubby made us go out for a drive.. on the way back we stopped off at marks... so now I have an entire cake to eat

Have never had cookie Galaxy

I'm just struggling with one thing.. I think my friend is upset that I have not made much effort with her daughter.. and her making an issue of it has been a trigger. I've seen her a few times, and everytime on the way home been in tears in the car (not let on about this). I guess children of the same age will always be a reminder, and you just have to get on with it if you don't want to offend their parents? If I was in that position would I take offence that my child was not being visited; or would I be able to understand, especially if it had been explained?

I've also re-read my initial post, and I think I was being unfair on myself. I have been as generous as I possibly can be with any spare emotional energy I had; and also it is far easier to be around people who have no expectations from you and let you grieve in your own way. (These are few and far between!)

Anyhow off to eat cake now wink..

SparklingSarah Sun 07-Jun-09 10:06:11

Write to her if you can't say it.

tell her you love /care for both of them but sometimes it's hard going and yu don't want to reflect sadness on them when they have no need to be sad and that in time you'll be able to give some more.

Maybe she wants you to feel happy and thinks by now it'd not hurt I don't know.

I know for a long time people didn't really understand that I looked at their children with a deep sadness and overal joy it's an odd mixture - watching friend so proud of their kids I was overjoyed too but felt this horrible depth wondering how mine would look if they'd play together or fight.

Luckily when I was blunt with friends most were fine and let me feel how I felt

these days I'm fine I can think without crying and I don't wonder too much

wink enjoy your cake!!

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