Today is my birthday and the first anniversary of when my Dad really started dying

[drivinmecrazy]

It's my birthday today, a complete non-event. My Dad was diagnosed with cancer five years ago, and so very bravely fought for extra time with treatment. Exactly a year ago I sat at his hospital bedside as the cancer ravaged his spine and left him paralized. It is also my birthday.
It feels as if every week has been some anniversary of his last days recently. As soon as I pick myself up another date comes. He died last July and for so long I felt I could cope, but the last month has been full of reminders, each one knocking me down again in grief.
All day, friends have been ringing to wish me 'happy birthday', but it's not. Just another reminder.
When is it supposed to ease? My DH has had to take DD1 to MILs this week because I didn't want her to be affected by my grief. She is 8 and really misses my Dad too. So I am at home, alone with my DD2 who is 3. Couldn't quite be on my own so she has stayed with me. She doesn't notice when Mummy is crying, she is just happy.
Don't need any replies, just wanted not to feel on my own.
I miss my Daddy, so sad when I am 38

[TrinityRhino]

I'm not sure I will survive the death of my dad




so so so much sympathy
x

[fruitstick]

Oh I'm so sorry, this must be really hard for you. Both my parents died of cancer, my Dad over 10 years ago.

It sounds glib but it does ease with time. The first year is always the worst as it is full of firsts (first birthday, christmas etc) but after a while things fade. My Dad was a big man and I thought I'd never forget the image of him lying in his bed, weighing nothing. But try as a might I can't picture it.

I still think about both of them everyday but, the more time goes by, the happier those thoughts become. I miss them terribly but am so glad they were a part of my life and rejoice that I had them at all.

I'm so sorry you're going through this .... not much else to say really.

[blametheparents]

That is a lovely post fruitstick.

[drivinmecrazy]

Thank-you. It is the images I still have in my head of him lying there in bed, not being able to move, but still so positive and sure he would walk again. He never gave up.
It just seemed so much easier in the early days, but lately I just feel so sad and weak all the time. It is as if I am 5 again, and all I want is my Dad.
It is as if a wave has suddendly hit me, and I am struggling to stay on the surface all the time.
My neighbours Mum looks like she is going the same way as my dad and it just breaks my heart.
I think my 2 DDs are becoming so used to seeing Mummy breaking into tears they think it is the norm.

[bogwobbit]

((((Hugs)))) to you, and sympathy.
I know just what you're going through. My dad died of cancer 18 months ago and although we fought a lot when he was alive, he was my dad and I loved him and I miss him much, much more than I ever thought I would.
Anniversaries are difficult (I'm so not looking forward to Father's Day ) but I've found that it does get easier. Hope it gets easier for you too.
One thing I am doing next month is running, or attempting to run, the Race for Life for my dad - it's something to aim for I suppose.

[lilolilmanchester]

Your Daddy is your Daddy, no matter how old you are! My Dad died on my birthday, so I really, really understand how you feel. I totally agree with Fruitstick's post. I know it's small comfort being told that it will get easier with time when you are hurting so much tho. Cry when you need to, but try to find it in you to remember the Dad he was and the happy birthdays you had with him. The worst thing about grief is that no-one can take it off you, but know there are lots of people here to listen xx