Its been 4 years since my brother passed on

[EvaLongoria]

Its been 4 years and I still cant get over it. He died exactly 4 years ago after a very quick diagnosis of Leaukemia and tonsillitis. He was basically diagnosed the 16th and then the 17th he was gone. I wasnt there and wasnt even at his funeral. I came over to England 4 years ago on the 6th May and 11 days later he was gone. My ticket could not be changed to return and mom adviced that it would be better also not to come as he would have understood. He left behind 2 daughters ages 2 years and only 2 months. No one had any idea that he was sick. He was 28 years old and was 3 years older than me. It will be my 30th in July and I have been so afraid of my birthday for the last 4 years. I cant mention it to anyone but its mostly for the fact that he never reached that age and I am convinced that I wont as well. He left behind 2 very very young girls and I have a little daughter and am so afraid of going through the same. I was due my smear in November but am so scared and rather want to wait until after my birthday before having a smear just in case its "bad news".

Tell me I am not crazy please? But I miss him so much, i cant stop crying and just wish he could have met my little family and that he was still here for his.

[thumbwitch]

Eva, you are not crazy but you might need a bit of help coming to terms with your awful sudden loss.
Have you had any form of counselling for it? Any close family member loss is a shock, but your experience is akin to losing someone in an accident - sudden and unexpected and therefore an immense shock.

It might help you to have a medical MOT, if you like, to check that you are ok generally - your fears for your own mortality are understandable but probably not very rational. Being given the medical all clear might help, but if your fears are very deep seated then you may still need counselling to help you realise that you are not your brother and his life and fate are not yours, iyswim.

Anniversaries are hard - sometimes things hit you later than you would think they could - but grieving, ime, is a non-stop process. I don't believe time is a healer, I don't believe people ever get over loss like this; I believe that with time, the pain of the loss becomes more bearable. You just get used to it.
The human condition is such that we can't be in a constant state of extremis, but that doesn't mean it can't rear up and bite you when you don't expect it to.

Am probably rambling - your feelings are understandable but please consider counselling to help you manage them better.

[MaryMotherOfCheeses]

Thumbwitch, that's exactly what I wanted to say. Have been re-reading Eva's post and that's it exactly.

[nickschick]

Its the whirlwind of it all the speed the distance and the disease - its a stupid thing to say but you wont always feel so raw ,one day you will think of him and it wont be a sad thought it will be a daft memory that makes you smile- thats when you know your heart is healing.

Their will always be a gap in your heart that only your brother can fit but in time memories of his dc and him will fit the hole like a bad jigsaw puzzle and in the gaps in between sunshine will filter through.

I dont wanna sound trite or poetic but thats how it works for me.

Take care x

[EvaLongoria]

Hi

Thanks for the replies. Sorry if it sounds a little jumbled as I just re-read.

I never had councelling for it. will see who I can contact for it. The amazing thing is I am one of 8 kids but he was the closest then all of them except for my younger brother. He wanted me to move in with him but I told him that I was moving to England instead. He also called me at the airport & I missed his call and once I got here I just spoke to parents few times to tell them how I was getting on. Had I known he was sick (no one knew) then I would have made an effort to speak to him as well but I was new and couldnt afford lots of calls except to my parents.

I just have loads of ifs & buts and wish I can change it. Lots of times I do think of him and smiles. Especially when listening to music as we had similar music taste therefore lots remind me of him.

[nickschick]

Eva sometimes people say that by a quick death they were cheated on saying what they really felt but i know a lady who had her teen son killed in a terrible road accident if she somehow knew that was his day to go - she says it would have ripped her in two to let him leave the house,as it is she remembers him saying im off be back for tea and he gave her a kiss and borrowed a fiver.... by 7pm he was gone .

I dont really think that will help you - sorry x

[thumbwitch]

Eva, that is one of the hardest regrets, having missed your chance to speak to them.
I had this with my dearly loved Nanna - the night before she died of a massive heart attack, I had had the urge to phone her 3 times, and each time I didn't - I was trying to get through to my Mum and her phone was constantly engaged for hours (not that unusual) so I was going to ring Nanna to see if she was talking to Mum - but then didn't, because if she wasn't then she would worry about Mum too. 3 times - didn't do it - never had the chance again.

Contact Cruse in the first instance - they are a bereavement charity and can either help you themselves or point you in the right direction.