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Still struggling ...

(6 Posts)
wishingchair Tue 03-May-05 11:16:00

I feel like I'm wading through treacle - I'm at work and not doing anything. Can't even be bothered to get a cup of tea. My miscarriage was 2 and a half months ago but due to various reasons, we only buried his ashes on Saturday. I imagined it would be hard but it would make me feel a bit better ... some sort of closure and calm knowing he was where we felt he ought to be. But I feel as if it all happened yesterday. Maybe it's just opened up the barely healed wound.

I think compared to what some of you are going through (bubble, jangus and so on), shouldn't I be getting over this by now. I know it's still a short time but I can go days and be fine but then all of a sudden I can't stop crying.

I can't ever imagine being pregnant again ... how could I risk this happening again???

I'm sorry to go on ... I know you are all suffering too otherwise you wouldn't be here. Love to you all xxx

jangus Tue 03-May-05 11:23:33

you can't just make yourself get over something as terrible as this. I've been told that in time you learn to cope with it, the pain of your loss doesn't change but you can deal with it and go about your daily things.
At the minute I'm no further on than you. But, I'll see what happens.
I'm thinking of you.

cori Tue 03-May-05 11:35:43


We havent spoken before, I had a miscarriage lastweek ( at 16 weeks).
Imagine how much worse this would be if we didnt have MN and support of each other. We are all this daily struggle together.

For me, I feel I need redirect my attention and find something positive to do and think about ( so I can feel in control somehow) I want to get as healthy as possible before TTC again, change diet ( detox) take on some excersise ( swimming ) and some holistic activity so when I am ready to get pregnant again my body will be in best possible state to produce a healthy baby. ( I dont know if doing these things will really make a difference but it will help me to think more postively)

hope you feel better as the day goes on. Big Hugs

Marina Tue 03-May-05 11:48:06

wishingchair, what you are feeling is pretty normal really, sending you massive hugs and sympathy. I remember when I lost Tom at 21 weeks feeling a bit embarrassed at all the kind support and advice I got from people who had lost babies at term and after.
I have since concluded that there are no hierarchies in grieving for the death of your baby.
The moment you cross that blue line in the window, the hopes and the love and the excitement are all there, whoomph, just as your baby might only be a little cluster of cells at the time but should grow into a healthy newborn child. When that baby dies, everything goes with it, whether at ten weeks or twenty or thirty or forty.
How people deal with their bereavement does vary - some people do seem to be more stoical and "strong" in the face of such an appalling experience. But most people I know, including myself, were in a very bad way at times for MONTHS and MONTHS after.
Gradually, the "good" hours gave way to "good" days, then "good" weeks.
Your due date could be very difficult, but mine was fine. The week before it was bloody awful though.
Although I was not as thorough or determined as Cori, I too dealt with my grief partly by trying to eat healthily, charting my temperature, taking my folic acid etc. It was the only thing I felt I could do. I ended up getting pregnant again two months later. Not an easy time but do now have a lovely dd, nearly two.
And there are still days when I have a quiet cry for my lost little ds2.
Long post, sorry. Please feel free to post away - and don't apologise for how you are feeling, ever.

wishingchair Tue 03-May-05 12:33:05

Thank you all of you - I know in my hearts you are all right. I think it's the fact that I have so far been one of those 'strong' people ... well not strong particularly, just able to get on with usual stuff and of course looking after my dd (also 2) keeps me going ... that when I have a wobble, it hits hard. And I think as you said jangus, it's about learning to cope with it. And I sort of hoped that although I never want the memory to go, the pain would disappear.

You hit the nail on the head marina about all the dreams. I've said the same to friends who lost babies earlier than I did who said "it's not as bad as your loss" ... you can do an awful lot of dreaming in the first hour let alone a week, month, trimester. And Cori - I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I am trying (not very successfully) to do the same as you ... trying to make my body as good as possible to give another baby (if) a headstart. Might look into reflexology or reiki as well. Wishing you luck. Marina - you also give me hope that you had a successful pregnancy after losing Tom. And the fact that you still cry for him. Well ... at least I've stopped crying and feel I can go into the kitchen and make a drink now so thank you!!

Spacecadet Tue 03-May-05 14:31:46

wishingchair, i still havent "got over" the death at 26 weeks of my son sam 15 years ago, it just gets easier, i still break down in tears over it though, i had a misscarriage 5 weeks ago at 16 weeks and it still feels desperately raw, i think you just find that you have more good days than bad as you slowly come to terms with it, the thing im dreading ismy baby;s due date, i just want to get that out of the way.

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