Three months have passed

(30 Posts)
LilRedWG Wed 06-May-09 22:42:18

It's three months today since my Dad died - a quarter of a year - and I still feel as though I am not even getting anywhere near to mourning him. I feel so confused. Immediately after Dad's death, Mum was my concern and then when she died two weeks later I think I went into a bit of shock, now I feel confused and still don't believe that they've gone. I miss them so much at the same time though and feel so tearful today (and many other days).

My eldest sister is struggling so much to cope and her daughter is coming to me for advice on helping her Mum and I just don't know what to do. I am trying my hardest to help everyone, whilst carrying on smiling for DD, who is three next week, and trying not to put too much on DH as he has been a star these last months.

No need for replies, just needed to get it out somewhere - and MN is the place for that.

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Poledra Wed 06-May-09 22:47:40

Don't have any sage advice, just a {hug}.

LilRedWG Wed 06-May-09 22:54:11

Thanks Poledra, much appreciated. I don't think that there is any sage advice. I just needed to get it out.

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DrNortherner Thu 07-May-09 07:32:40

My heart breaks for you, my Dad died 2 weeks ago and I feel completley lost, but to lose your Mum 2 weeks later, that is simply unbearable. sad sad

I think, from what people say, and from what I read, time is a great healer, but God knows how much time it will take us.

I wish you strength and peace.

LilRedWG Thu 07-May-09 17:59:26

Thank you DRN. I was for sorry to hear about your Dad and such a sudden death too.

Please do not expect too much from yourself too soon and please be gentle with yourself. No feeling is wrong. If you manage to smile or laugh at something then go with it. It's not wrong or bad, it's human.

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onlyjoking9329 Fri 08-May-09 10:38:10

i have been told time helps, dunno if it is true.
i think you have to be as gentle as you can with yourself as this stuff sweeps you off your feet and you just have to go with what you feel at the time.
sending you a hug.

BecauseImWorthIt Fri 08-May-09 10:40:19

Don't know what to say really. You've been through so much, and it's only 3 months. You do need to give yourself time and to be kind to yourself. It's lovely that you're supporting the rest of your family, but don't forget that you need to be looked after as well. Glad, though, that your DH is/has been a star.

LilRedWG Fri 08-May-09 14:56:36

Thank you. The next hurdle is DD's third birthday next week. Last year both sets of parents came over for a bbq.

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whitecloud Mon 11-May-09 14:01:52

LilRedWg
Am so sorry for your loss. My parents died within a year of each other with the first anniversary of my Mum's death coming up in June. I think I was just in shock for months and felt the most awful pain at losing both. You can't grieve properly for the first death before the second is upon you - even more so for you, because they were so close together. It was months before I could even accept they were gone, but in the end your nerves catch up with what you know in your head.

Are you having your dh's parents over for dd's birthday? I found it hard to be with the other family for a while because they were still all together and my family wasn't. Don't be surprised if you feel like that - it's very natural. A 3 year old dd will help keep you going, I hope.

Found I just had to hang on and not be too hard on myself. Am thinking of you.

Sunshinemummy Mon 11-May-09 14:17:17

LilRedWG am so sorry to hear about your loss.

You really need to be kind to yourself. I lost my mum when I was 18 and it took a good three years for me to grieve and start to feel normal again. I had counselling and it really really helped.

LilRedWG Mon 11-May-09 18:36:27

Thanks both. MIL is coming over tomorrow evening (FIL is away on business) and we will go out with DD for a birthday dinner (she loves restaurants and pubs - just like me).

I am finding it hard to be around DH's family, but they are being great and putting very little pressure on me. That being said they have all kind of invited themselves over at the weekend to celebrate, which I will stress about beforehand but ultimately enjoy as it is for DD.

The week before Mum's funeral we were booked to go with DH's parents, sister, BIL and neice to CenterParcs for a mid-week break. My siblings insisted that I go as there was nothing I could do at home and I found it so hard being around the whole family thing. The first night we went round to their villa for dinner and I left before food was even served - I just coulnd't beat to be around them. It does sound so horrible, but it is no reflection on them. DFIL, DMIL and DSIL have been fantastic and I wouldn't change them - BUT I can't help feeling that sadness too.

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Sunshinemummy Tue 12-May-09 10:14:13

Your reaction to your DH's family is completely understandable - again you really need to be kind to yourself about how you're feeling. You're still in the really early days when the grief is really raw and suffering extreme reactions is totally normal. And remember you also have the double whammy of losing both parents to cope with.

It sounds trite but time does help. I also found I needed to talk to someone, which is why I had counselling, but a friend who would listen would have done (everyone was so scared of me crying that they would try and change the subject when what I really needed was to cry).

mulranno Tue 12-May-09 21:03:37

Hello LRW - its all very tough. Like you I support my siblings also - and although it is fulfilling it is exhausting also. Then other life complications and crises add to the mix - one sisters marriage is collapsing, anothers husband is being deported, another has a further IVF failure, brothers drinking is getting out of control. So its the tough unbearable grief stuff with the shit that happens in life on top. All I can say is try to pace yourself as you will be good to no one if you go under. I think that grief is private and that you want to keep quiet socially for a yeaer or so. That is natural and to be respected. My extended family had a big birthday celebration on sat...none of my siblings could face a big knees up..watching our cousins and aunts dancing about we are just not reasdy yet.

Sidge Thu 14-May-09 21:11:54

Hi LilRed,

I'm sorry you are finding it hard.

My dad died at the end of January and I still can't quite believe it. I find it difficult to accept that he has really gone and every now and then it hits me like a ton of bricks.

Last week I was driving to work and a hearse pulled up alongside me, the flowers on the coffin were almost identical to those that I had chosen for Dad. I had to pull over as I just lost it and couldn't drive safely.

So I understand those overwhelming feelings and you have them doubled sad. I don't know what to say but I am thinking of you.

PussinJimmyChoos Thu 14-May-09 21:12:50

<Sidge - text if you need to offload on your down days, much love>

Sidge Thu 14-May-09 21:14:25

Thanks Puss, funnily enough was thinking of you today, how are you and DH doing? It's about three months for you too, isn't it?

PussinJimmyChoos Thu 14-May-09 21:15:52

Not too good - problems with my Grandad now -have started a post in general health - mass found during a chest x ray and he has a previous history of cancer (bladder)....so, worrying time all around really

dizzydixies Thu 14-May-09 21:18:16

ah red I was thinking about you the other day. I too have DD2's 3rd birthday next week and that was the last time mum was up here

Hassled Thu 14-May-09 21:24:09

I feel so sorry for everyone who's posted here who is so recently bereaved.

From the perspective of someone much further down the line - 6 years since my Dad died, 26 since my Mum dies - I can tell you that it's all so raw and recent for you now that you shouldn't expect to feel anything other than tearful and overwhelmed. And you will learn to cope with those feelings in time, but don't have any expectations. If you can just get through one shit day the next will be easier, and then the next. And all those anniversaries - this time last year this or that happened - it's so hard.

Re your DH's family - my ILs are great, but sometimes I resent them for being alive and a happy complete family, and sometimes I resent DH for having no bloody idea of what I've gone through. It's all normal.

LilRedWG Thu 14-May-09 22:09:04

Thank you all for posting. DD had a lovely birthday and if I'm honest I didn't find it too bad until late afternoon and the evening when my parents would have been there. As I said to MIL, I knew that this time, one, two and three years ago, on this day we were together.

DH and I both shed a few tears later in the evening.

I've been a little down and emotionally bruised the past couple of days but DD keeps me smiling, God bless her.

Dizzy - enjoy your DD's birthday as much as possible. Try and focus on her excitement - that helped me massively. DD kept me busy all day long.

Thank you all so much for your support, for sharing and for listening to me waffle.

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dizzydixies Thu 14-May-09 22:12:43

Red, I've decided to change it completely and instead of having the usual family BBQ we're going to the local boat club open day where they can go out on the lifeboats etc

DD's are great aren't they, just perfect for keeping us going. You've been in my thoughts a lot and I hope you know that I certainly don't class it as waffle

LilRedWG Fri 15-May-09 10:25:03

Good plan Dizzy. The ILs are coming over on Sunday and I'll probably either do a roast or suggest the pub.

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dizzydixies Fri 15-May-09 12:36:24

I had the inlaws here last weekend, was meant to be DD3's christening but it had to be cancelled as my uncle passed away. I couldn't go to the funeral as it was on very short notice in another country and the PIL provided no support/relief etc so it was just another thing to add to it all - shall not be repeated in a hurry angry

LilRedWG Fri 15-May-09 13:34:11

Oh Diz, that's crap. I am so sorry for this extra loss you have suffered. x

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dizzydixies Fri 15-May-09 13:57:07

its the whole circle of life isn't it? two friends have had baby girls this week which gives us something to be thankful for. the christening can be planned for another time easily enough, it was more importent for everyone to be there for my aunt and cousins x

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