Any advice on how not to cry?

[BecauseImWorthIt]

My lovely SIL separated from her husband of 30 years some 4 or 5 years ago.

In March, she went on holiday for a month, to Australia, where her two daughters now live. (They had both only just gone there, with their respective partners, to ensure the final stages of their residency/citizenship)

One week into her holiday we heard that her exH had died.

Although they were separated, she was still very fond of him and they had a very amicable relationship.

Anyway, long story short and all that. There is a memorial service for him next week.

I'm dreading it. (OK, I know that no-one looks forward to funerals/memorials).

It's 5 years since my mum died, and I haven't really felt that I've grieved for her.

I'm also hugely sentimental, and any funeral will set me off crying - even someone I don't know.

I know I'm going to cry, and I feel that it's hugely hypocritical of me. I didn't really like him that much, to be brutally honest (although I was still sad to hear that he had died). And I just feel that me crying will be all about me and not about my SIL or her daughters.

Sorry, this is long winded.

Does anyone else suffer like this? How can I stop myself from crying and being so self indulgent?

What distraction techniques can I use - how can I stop myself from what seems like a pavlovian response? i.e. the minute the organ music starts, I know I'll start weeping, etc

[seriouscase]

Sorry to hear your sad news.
I don't think you should worry too much. Sometimes we don't always react in the way in which we think we will. So although you think you may cry a lot, in actual fact you may not at all.
Could you have a good cry the night before (a certain song always sets me off) and get it out your system IYSWIM.
Perhaps you should look into some counselling for your own grief. I hear CRUSE are very good.

[BecauseImWorthIt]

The trouble is, seriouscase, I couldn't cry the night before, because I'm actually not sad enough about his death. That's my point. It's the whole rigmarole/ritual of a funeral that sets me off, not the actual loss of that person - which is why I feel it's so hypocritical.

But I know that will cry - it's the same agony as going to the children's nativity plays! Except in this instance, it's obviously rather more sombre.

[Tortington]

i think as long as you cry discreetly ( ie your not a loud sniffler and/or honker or hiccupper) then its fine.

tbh the people most affected will not even notice that you are there.

[thumbwitch]

BIWI - take some rescue remedy and use it liberally whenever you feel the need to weep. It's excellent stuff - even my Dad uses it and he's an enormous sceptic of "things alternative".
Actually, even better than rescue remedy is this stuff - same principle but works even better.

[BecauseImWorthIt]

Sounds good thumbwitch - where can I buy it and how do you use it?

custardo - not a honker! And you're right - the focus won't be on me by any stretch of the imagination.

[mrsgboring]

It doesn't matter if you cry IMO, but if you want to stop it happening, I've found eating is the very best thing. Just sneaking tic tacs into your mouth will probably be enough, as you can suck really hard on them.

[thumbwitch]

you can get the good stuff in health food shops that are NOT Holland & Barrett (they have a contract with Nelson's and don't therefore stockc Ainsworth's), or you can get standard Rescue remedy in h&B and soem chemists. If you get the spray, spray 2-4 times under the tongue; if you get the drops, 4 drops under the tongue for instant effect or 4 drops in a glass of water for on-going calmness.

[moondog]

Yes, press with your tongue against alveolar ridge [just behing teeth].
Or visualise putting your feelings in a little box in your stomach and shutting the lid. This works for me.

[BecauseImWorthIt]

Thank you all, If nothing else, it will give me something else to think about and therefore distract me!

[BecauseImWorthIt]

Well I'm back.

Service was very good, and predictably emotional. Especially when both my nieces read out their own tributes to their dad .

Didn't have time to get any Rescue Remedy in the end, but I did find the rubbing the tonge on the roof of the mouth technique very helpful. Except it's hard to do this whilst singing a hymn!

Had a couple of very wobbly moments, especially when we arrived and my SIL came to give me a hug. It was hard for both of us to break away and compose ourselves.

Then later, at the wake, when I had consumed too much wine, I was writing an entry into the book of memories, and it was all too much and I was overwhelmed.

But it was a lovely day and people had come from all over the country to remember him. So in the great scheme of things, a few tears from me was no real problem.

A life well remembered, in the end.