How did you mark the your loved one's first birthday after they'd gone?

[LaTrucha]

My mum's birhtday will coincide exactly with the six-month anniversary of her death. I want to mark it in some way, but I'm not sure what. We've come to live abroad since she died so I'm not around family, or able to visit her grave.

I'll ring my brothers, but I feel the need for something more. I loved chosing presents for her and I'll feel very sad about it.

Or is this just morbid and unhelpful?

[onlyjoking9329]

me and the kids marked DHs birthday by having a chocolate birthday cake and a balloon.
we had a bit of a picnic on our very special memory blanket.
i don't think its morbid, for us its about remembering someone who is no longer here, he is still the kids dad and still my husband, i think the people who think it is morbid only say that cos they want you to move on and forget, dont listen to them

[Mum1369]

It's not morbid to want to remember your Mum and mark the occasion - I think it's a lovely and very healthy thing to want to do.
Why not find a really lovely plant or tree, that you think she might have liked - and find somewhere special in your garden / house to put it ?
Or go and have a really special meal with your DP/ get a bottle of champagne and have toast to your Mum - you can do this every year on her birthday.

[MummyDoIt]

Very, very necessary to mark occasions such as these, in my experience. On DH's birthday, I bought the DSs and myself small presents. The boys had been very upset that we couldn't give Daddy presents so I said we'd give each other presents and choose things Daddy would have like. Maybe you could buy something you know your Mum would have liked - her favourite flowers, a plant, a scented candle. We also sang Happy Birthday to his photo and had a cake for him. On my Dad's birthday and the anniversary of his death, I tend to have a glass of his favourite wine or whiskey and say 'cheers' to him.

[LaTrucha]

Thanks for responding.

I feel more confident now and I will do something. I often get the feeling I don't really know how to 'do' grief. Most of it is involuntary, naturally but I hope you know what I mean.

[othersideofthefence]

A lovely idea is to buy a beautiful bunch of flowers (perhaps a variety that your Mum loved.
Everytime you look at them you will remember her.

[MissM]

It was my brother's birthday last Monday. He would have been 35. We all went to his grave and had a picnic, including cake. I know you can't go to her grave, but could you have a birthday cake and raise a glass to her? Or could you go and do something that she would have enjoyed - a walk somewhere, a museum, shopping, swimming? I don't know, but just something she would have done for herself?

[choochoochaboogie]

I agree almost word for word with Mummydoit and we did it and it did help. Her favourite flowers by her photo would be the least you could do I think and these can be pre-ordered if it is something out of season, eg sweet peas in Feb.

Expect to cry but it will make you feel better and you will be glad you did it.

[hug emoticon]

[LaTrucha]

Sorry - I've just seen these. I might try and get some peonies (sp?) if they're in season, but they'd have to be very dark red (her favourite).

Thanks for your replies.
LaT

[cyteen]

The first one after my brother's death, we had a barbeque at his place. The second one, we did a sponsored pub crawl

His birthday coincides with Sarcoma Awareness Week this year so we're hoping to do lots more useful fund-raising stuff.

[LaTrucha]

It's her birthday today. I made a donation to a favourite charity.

I can't really believe things have actually got worse between my OP and now. My Dad has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. I though I was going to be thinking of her and feeling awful, but not this! I am so distressed, I can't say.

[Greatfun]

LaTrucha - I am so very sorry about your dads illness. I don't know what to say.

The donation to your mums favourite charity was a great idea.

[LaTrucha]

Thankyou.

[LilRedWG]

LaTrucha, just because you are thinking of your Dad and his illness doesn't lessen your thoughts/love for your Mum. As you know, I understand how painful these overlaps are.

Just feel what you are feeling at the moment and think of whoever is in your mind. Try to make sure that you take a minute or so for yourself too, even just for a quiet cup of tea or soak in the bath. Thinking of you. x

[LaTrucha]

Thanks LilRed.