Pregnant and missing mum

(13 Posts)
mamaspice Sat 14-Mar-09 17:24:48

My mum died 2 years ago when my ds was 10months old. Ds is now 2 and a half and I am 10 weeks pregnant. This is a much wanted pregnancy but I have been suffering terribly from morning (all day!!) sickness which has got me down. Somehow this has started me off grieving for mum again. Mum was very supportive during my first pregnancy but I thought I would be tough enough to do this again even though she is now not around. I am not feeling like this now. I feel vunerable and lonely. My husband is very good at looking after my DS when I need a rest but I think he finds my mood swings difficult to understand. Not sure what I am asking really and this is a bit of a long thread but wondered if anyone has been in similar situation. I don't have any really close older female relation - its just me.

OP’s posts: |
treedelivery Sat 14-Mar-09 17:30:11

Not in a similar situation but gutted for you and would be lost without my mum. There will be loads of support flooding in, and loads of wisdom. Maybe your antenatal thread will fill a small bit of the gap. Very small I know but every bit helps. x

mamaspice Sun 15-Mar-09 10:20:02

Thanks for your kind words tree. I think pregnancy is a thing that mums trully understand - all the mixed emotions. Its hard for husbands- even really lovely ones. I am not very good at asking for support - don't want to ask too much of RL friends - they have busy lives. I think your advice with antenatal thread is a good one. Thanks

OP’s posts: |
Hassled Sun 15-Mar-09 10:43:04

I'm so sorry - my mother died when I was 16 so never met her grandchildren. I think you do feel quite vulnerable when you're pregnant - and so you regress a bit and need your parents' support. It's very natural to be feeling like this.

But as the new baby and your DS grow up you'll be seeing and hearing your Mum again - my DD is so like my mother (clever and argumentative!) that sometimes I can just hear my Mum again, and DS3 is the image of my father, who died when he was a baby. That does give me a lot of comfort.

Good luck with the pregnancy

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt Sun 15-Mar-09 10:49:05

So sorry about your mum mamaspice. I often find that my grief gets worse when I feel ill. Maybe it's the same with you? MS is awful and constant and can be debilitating. Take care of yourself xxx

SimpleAsABC Sun 15-Mar-09 11:09:08

I'm sorry you feel like this. Hopefully we'll be able to be some source of support for you, there is thousands of us and if it makes you feel even a tiny bit better then that's good.

I think it's natural to want those you were / are closest to when you're feel low / sick.

Hope you feel better soon.

schneebly Sun 15-Mar-09 11:24:33

Oh I know how you feel sad My mum died before I fell pregnant with DS1 and it was really hard being pregnant and getting married without her. I had the luxury of a lovely MIL who I could talk to but it is not quite the same.

I think it is like hassled said - you do feel somwhat vulnerable when pregnant and I think that is why I felt I needed my mum.

Have you told DH why you are feeling down?

MamaG Sun 15-Mar-09 11:28:34

So sorry to hear you're feeling like this mamaspice. I lost my Dad when DD was 3 and have gone on to have two DSs - he would have loved a grandson. DD was his only grandchild and she really was the apple of his eye. His own children (me and sis) are both girls and I always feel sad that he doesn't know my two DSs. Agree that you are more vulnerable when pg, I always grieved for Dad more when I was pg with both of mine. I can see a bit of myDad in DS2 (who is 4 months old, so may change a lot yet!) which does give me some comfort. Dad sneezed a lot as well, as do I. DS1 sneezes quite a bit as well and I always feel a pang when he does!

KEep posting on here, it will give you some comfort (I hope) xxx

pavlovthecat Sun 15-Mar-09 11:32:15

mama - similar situation to you. Mum passed away 2 years ago when DD was just coming up to 6 months old. I have been thinking about her since I found out I was expecting no.2 (am about 5 weeks, so early yet).

I do not know what to say to help, other than that I am thinking of you and [hugs]

cyteen Sun 15-Mar-09 13:12:29

i'm so sorry mamaspice my mum died when i was a teenager so i've had plenty of time for the rawness to fade, but i was surprised at how fresh and painful her absence seemed when i was pregnant. there was so much i wanted to talk to her about; i know she would have been thrilled to meet her grandson and to support me through the pregnancy.

if it's any consolation, since he was born my DS has proved amazingly healing in all sorts of ways and has actually brought some positive memories/feelings about my mum to the surface. i hope you find the same

mamaspice Sun 15-Mar-09 14:21:27

Thank you for your messages. I am rereading them and they have already made me feel better. I appreciate you sharing your own situations. I had a really bad day yesterday and feel stronger today.

You all have wise word especially about it being natural to miss those you are closest to when you feel ill and down. I was a bit embarrassed to admit I missed my mum but of course its completely natural.

I love the idea of seeing my mum in my future child. I find those words wonderfully comforting and Cyteen, I am sure you are right that children can be healing. Certain DS kept me going when Mum died.

Pavlovthecat - congratulations and I know exactly how you are feeling. I hope you feel that this thread is for you too.

OP’s posts: |
schneebly Sun 15-Mar-09 16:59:36

another thing is that as your kids get older you start to hear your mum in yourself and when your mum has passed away this is a nice and comforting thing. smile

treedelivery Mon 16-Mar-09 00:07:18

Thats sucha really lovely lovely thought schneebly. And comforting as I turn into my mother [very much alive and vital at 53]

Dh and I decided to go ahead and have more than 1 dc so they could natter about us when we're gone. Dh and I both only dcs so we have no one to remember childhood or parents with once tehy are gone iyswim.

Having a family of your own takes your childhood and waggles it in your face.

Glad today Ok for you Mammaspice.

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