I am not entirely convinced I have ever actually grieved for my mum. She died just over 2 years ago.
I missed the date of her passing anniversary last month, which, when I remembered, made me feel callous and cold. Sometimes I feel like this, like its not bothered me emotionally.
Clearly it has, it has devestated me in a way I cannot describe. I do not feel weepy, or sad. I feel something I cannot explain I guess. I feel, numb. Mostly, numb, and like I am missing a vital part of me. It feels more physical than mental. it has always felt like that. at first, when she first went, it felt as physical as losing an arm, something that I needed to be whole. That missing has never gone.
But, I have never really dwelled on seeing my mum for the last time. Well, not true, it has sort of been there, played on my mind once in a while, mainly when I last saw her alive, which was not so great (she had cancer). I saw her in the Chapel of Rest at the funeral parlour, and it did not really seem like her. It was her, but I did not feel too disturbed really. I felt just like seeing a dead body.
however, last night, I had a stinking headache, and I thought of mum, as I often do when I am poorly, and the image of her in the morgue was very vivid and disturbing, it was her, mum was dead. And then I kept flitting back from her when I last saw her alive, to the morgue and back to her alive, and I tried to replace the image with a happy one and I could not. It was like a dream image, but I was very awake, it was clear, and now I cannot get it out of my mind. And I now have this awful feeling that I let her down. Somehow, like I should have grieved more, should have done more for her when she was ill, missed her more, cried more, I don;t know. I worry she did not think I cared as I did not cry when I saw her dead body. I don't really know what I feel, just this sense of letting her down and the image of her dead body.
Sorry, can't really talk to DH about it. and I needed to get it out.
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Grief keeps rearing its ugly head.
28 replies
pavlovthecat · 12/02/2009 21:09
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