*URGENT How do we explain that I am going to die.*

(121 Posts)
NIght Wed 06-Apr-05 13:07:11

I have a brain tumour and have recently been told I have months and not years to live. My main concern is now for my family. I have a 3 1/2 year old beautiful boy. Can anyone please help with advise for my husband and I. What on earth do we do to make this easier on a little boy? Also I am trying to write a letter to my husband, but finding it difficult to find the words. Can anyone suggest any reading material or farewell peoms?

OP’s posts: |
Bella23 Wed 06-Apr-05 13:09:34

Night - I don't know what to say, I am so very sorry to hear your news. Is there some form of counselling that can help you with putting your things in order? I would contact the hospital and ask.

dejags Wed 06-Apr-05 13:09:57

Night, I have no advice for you. I just wanted to say that I admire you for your obvious courage in dealing with situation head on and to say that I will be thinking of you in times ahead. I am sure there are others on here who will be able to give much more constructive advice.

Xzebra Wed 06-Apr-05 13:11:45

I don't know if this is right way forward, but here is a list of books how to explain death to children.

Titania Wed 06-Apr-05 13:13:19

I am so sorry for what you and your family are dealing with right now. this thread might help you to find the words

CountessDracula Wed 06-Apr-05 13:13:43

NIght, many years ago I worked for a TV production company and we made a documentary about a charity called Winston's Wish

They deal with exactly this sort of thing. Specifically (from the site):

Support for Serious Illness

Families face a tremendous challenge adjusting to the life-threatening illness of a close relative. This is equally true whether someone becomes ill or is disabled suddenly (for example, in an accident) or if they have a long-standing illness (for example, cancer). Families have to adapt to a different sort of life with all the uncertainties that this can bring.

If recovery seems unlikely, it can be unbelievably hard to accept that hope is fading and that a family member is going to die. It’s even more difficult to have to tell the children.

Where a death is expected, Winston's Wish can help children to understand the illness of a parent or sibling, and prepare for their death.

We will encourage communication within the family about the illness and individual thoughts, feelings and reactions about what is happening. We also work with the family to encourage the appropriate involvement of children and young people in the situation.

We can also support the person who is dying to prepare ‘memory stores’ for their children and to prepare letters and other messages to be opened on special occasions in the future (for example, an 18th birthday).

If you would like more information, or would like to talk about supporting a child when someone is seriously ill, please ring the Winston's Wish Family Line (0845 2030405).

We also have a book for 5 to 11-year-olds called The Secret C which explains cancer and a handbook for adults supporting a child facing the death or serious illness of someone close called As Big as It Gets. Both publications can be ordered on-line.

Sorry that this is happening to you

happymerryberries Wed 06-Apr-05 13:13:47

Ae you seeing a Macmillan nurse? They were a godsend when my father was dying of cancer. they deal will this sort of thing all the time and I am sure that they will be able to give you all the support that you need, as well as lots of practical advice.

I am so sorry to read your news, words are so insufficilent at times like this, but am sending you best wishs.

Titania Wed 06-Apr-05 13:14:51

or this one

bubble99 Wed 06-Apr-05 13:15:11

Oh NIght. I'm so sorry to hear your news. I don't know what to say at the moment. In the meantime, The Marie Curie Service may be able to help you. I don't have a link but they have a website. I couldn't read your post without saying something My thoughts are with you and your family.

Bubble XXXX

Titania Wed 06-Apr-05 13:16:22

this one as well

gscrym Wed 06-Apr-05 13:17:20

How about Cruse. I know they're bereavement counsellors but they must have had people in this situation before.
I hope whatever help you get helps you make the best of your time left. I'm so sorry.

nailpolish Wed 06-Apr-05 13:18:05

oh honey, am so sorry to hear this. dont know what to say, just wanted to post and say all the very best for you and your family

my MIL left the most beautiful poem for my FIL, i will try and find it for you

ja9 Wed 06-Apr-05 13:21:39

Night, i am so sorry.

I saw this book yesterday farewell poems and briefly pondered on being in such a situation....

I'll be praying for you, your husband and ds. God bless you,

nailpolish Wed 06-Apr-05 13:26:41

some poems here

not the exact poem MIL left, hers had the words 'dont be sad i am gone, be happy i was here)

i hope im not barking up the wrong tree for you, you will find the words you are looking for soon i hope xxx

mancmum Wed 06-Apr-05 13:42:51

I just don't know what to say but could not let this post go without a response...

your poor DS --- could you make a DVD so he can see you in years to come and hear your voice... let him see you playing with him and looking after him... it will help his with his memories of you... take lots of photos of the family and make a memory box... totally heartbreaking...

as for your DH.. I would write a letter but would not worry about the words... just tell him what you need to say and don't worry about the actual words... the message is the imporant thing... don't get too involved in the letter --- time together is most important and remembered...

I can not recommend any other books/poems than thise already done.. I wish you loads of strength and support going forwards

RnB Wed 06-Apr-05 13:45:56

Message withdrawn

Pagan Wed 06-Apr-05 13:47:04

Felt I just had to say something but mancmum said it all. Make up tapes or videos with your (obvious) wisdom for him to refer to as he grows up.

Emphasise that Dad will be there for him and that you'll look after him from another place.

I think you are being very brave and wonderful

Big hugs xxx

saffy202 Wed 06-Apr-05 13:48:30

so so sorry

Speaking as someone who has very little family alive I would write a diary for your little boy from when you were little to present day. Maybe add your likes, dislikes, fav foods, recipes you liked to cook, music you liked to listen to etc - you could make it into a scrap book with photographs etc. I am sure this will be a great comfort when your son is older.

boobie Wed 06-Apr-05 13:56:15

Night - you are so strong! My thoughts are with you and your family. If poss keep digital photos and make up an album with notes and thoughts of yours by each photo for your family to keep. Remember - when we have children a part of us will always live on.

Chandra Wed 06-Apr-05 13:57:42

Night. A very very huge hug to you. You are so brave and so caring for your family. I can only suggest you to use every minute of your life to have a lovely time with the people you love that can provide them with lovely memories for the future. Say everything you always wanted to say, and forget about things that use your time and don't make you happy.

Many hugs.

romilly Wed 06-Apr-05 13:59:59

Night - my heart goes out to you and your family. i lost my father when i was very young but he has never been forgotten, all my family still talk about him and not a day goes by where i dont think of him (thirty year on). i agree that the best thing to leave is your own words and simple things - like a diary, video - all those things mentioned. your son will want to remember you, not someone else's words. i know someone who left her children cards to open on each birthday, i thought that was lovely for them.

Louise1980 Wed 06-Apr-05 14:02:36

Night, this is just to let you know that I am thinking about you.

I think the most important thing is that your son knows you will still be there to watch him and you will always love him.

The memory box is the first thing I thought of. Put lots of photos in it and you perfume, some clothing etc.

Tell your DS you are going away for ever if you dont want to go into detail. I think he needs to know as it will not be so unexpected. At such a small age he wont understand the seriousness but the consequences will be hard.

Dont let him see you cry, if he thinks you are affraid he will be to.

No words I can say will make things easier but for your son please keep smiling and dont be afraid.

My heart goes out to you

Louise x x x

anorak Wed 06-Apr-05 14:05:25

Hello NIght. I'm so sorry to read your post and echo what others have said about your attitude to your plight being so praiseworthy. I imagine the thought of how your dh and ds will feel without you is breaking you heart. I'm so glad you thought of mumsnet.

As others have posted regarding help with poems etc, I'd just like to say that IMO whatever messages you leave will mean everything to your dh and ds and will give them a link to you that they can see and touch - your own message in your own words. It will be more valuable than diamonds to them.

Please come back to mumsnet if you want to chat about any aspect of your situation. The parents on here are wonderfully supportive.

Hugs to you xxx

cupcakes Wed 06-Apr-05 14:06:46

So sorry for you and your family.
Really agree with the suggestions, especially those for a memory box. I would provide as much information about yourself, especially the trivial stuff which you probably don't think is important. What you like to eat, your best clothes, what makes you laugh, best songs, favourite memories, anecdotes, recipes, books, tv programmes, jokes.
And how much you love your ds and dh.
I heard a programme on Jeremy Vine about a similar topic a few months ago. It suggested that everyone write a letter to their loved ones and hide it away with your documents in the event of an unexpected death.
Again, so sorry and hope you can find a way to express everything.

serenity Wed 06-Apr-05 14:08:16

Night, just to say I'm thinking of you too.

My Mum's deepest regret after her dad died was that there were so few photos, especially ones of them together. My MIL also wishes that we had taken some of my FIL with his children and gkids, so I would echo everyone else in that respect.

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