Naming baby after my lost boy

(21 Posts)
Rangirl Sun 25-Jan-09 20:14:18

Hi,7 years ago my DS was still born at term,I was totally devastated.I got lots of support from DH,family and friends.I went on to have 2 more children and gradually came to terms with my loss,although I don't think you ever 'get over it'.My cousin her her first baby this week.I am delighted for her ,visited in hospital although I find it dificult (same hospital)My mum called earlier to say my cousin said to my sister a few days ago that they are thinking about giving their child the name I gave my boy.I am upset but I don't really know why.I appreciate its their baby and they can call him what they want,but it has upset me.I have seen my sister twice since this and she has not mentioned it.

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theresonlyme Sun 25-Jan-09 20:17:16

TBH I think she is being insensitive,

I am sorry for your loss

I was really upset when my DHs cousin named her son the name my lost baby was going to be called but to be fair, they didn't know I had chosen that name.

Does your cousin know?

lottiejenkins Sun 25-Jan-09 20:17:42

I can understand how upset you must be.....my first ds Jack was born prem at 26 weeks into my pregnancy when i was pregnant with my scond ds my husband suggested the same name and i said No! Have you found our bereaved Mums thread.......do come and chat with us!!
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/679526-Cole-39-s-thread-for-bereaved-muumies-like-the-sands

LadyPinkofPinkerton Sun 25-Jan-09 20:18:02

People always say baby names don't belong to anybody, but in this case I feel it would be insensitive of your sis to name her baby the same name as yours.

Is it possible she is doing it as a way of remembering your baby?

mrsgboring Sun 25-Jan-09 20:18:27

This would upset me too. Maybe they think you would think it was a nice gesture, I don't know. But in that case, she should have mentioned it to her.

sad for you.

Can completely appreciate if you don't feel able to do this, but I've often found it's best to get things like this out into the open - just say to your cousin "I hear you're thinking of calling your baby..." and see how she reacts. It is perfectly fair to tell her it makes you feel a bit sad, even though you accept her right to call her baby whatever she wants.

mrsgboring Sun 25-Jan-09 20:19:04

Should have mentioned it to you I meant to say.

MissusLindt Sun 25-Jan-09 20:24:11

If she were to use the name as a middle name, kind of in honour and in rememberence of your DS, then I could understand. But she should still have checked with you to see if you objected.

To use the name as a first name is very insensitive.

Can you ask your sister or your Mum to speak to your cousin?

So sorry for your loss.

Rangirl Sun 25-Jan-09 20:27:14

Thanks everyone,its nice to know I'm not just being too precious.I can't face a big drama about it.I didn't think anything at the time but at the hospital I said do you have a name yet and there was a bit a silence but I just thought thay could not agree.My mum can be a bit volatile and could turn this into a barney.I am not sure whether to mention it to my husband ,after all they might choose a different name.They definitely know the name ,I always use it when taking of him,they were at the funeral and the reason she called my sis was to ask if she thought I would mind

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Northernlurker Sun 25-Jan-09 20:27:20

I think it depends whether you think she's using the name because they like it and even if your son had survived they still might have used it because they love it and having two people of the same name is n't a disaster - or is it that they have forgotten you used it or think that because your son died it doesn't matter if they use it? The first option I would be fine with - the second would make me furious - but I'm not sure you're ever going to know what's going on here unless you ask her straight out.

edam Sun 25-Jan-09 20:30:11

that does seem extraordinarily insensitive. What did your sister say to them?

ohdearwhatamess Sun 25-Jan-09 20:33:01

Very insensitive, imo.sad

MaryAnnSingleton Sun 25-Jan-09 20:35:41

am so sorry about your ds sad
I named my son after my brother who died at 10 years old, but used his name as a middle name, to remember and honour my db..I felt ds should have his own name

unfitmother Sun 25-Jan-09 20:41:15

I'm sorry to hear that, is there someone you can trust to let her know how you feel?

ScottishMummy Sun 25-Jan-09 20:47:35

usually i vociferously argue no one owns a name,but in your case name has emotional significance.so can see you would be upset.so sorry about your awful loss

however,i suppose she will do what she wants

could your mum have a wee tactful word

will you actually be in daily contact with cousin and hear her potentially say the name

lanismum Sun 25-Jan-09 20:59:15

Completly insensitive!
Have had a very similar thing very recently, my cousins baby was stillborn, my best mate at the time knew my cousin, had done since she was a little girl, saw each other at my family get togethers, were on each others facebook etc, my cousin named her son, 7 weeks after his funeral so called friend put on facebook she was calling her as yet unborn son the same name, huge row, lots of upset, completly out of order in mine and apparently everyone elses opinion, very hurtful sad

Rangirl Sun 25-Jan-09 22:10:17

I think I'll sleep on it,I really don't want a big to do over it ,to have everyone going on about it would make me feel worse.I am not in daily contact but we are close.Thanks for all the support

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Bubble99 Sun 25-Jan-09 22:14:50

I can understand why you are upset.sad

If you're close to your cousin, is there any way you could ask her to maybe think about using the name as a middle name?

whomovedmychocolate Sun 25-Jan-09 22:19:29

I think it's unnecessary. There are plenty of names to choose from! Can someone else just quietly have a word?

shabster Mon 26-Jan-09 01:19:50

Could I second Lotties suggestion to join the bereaved mums thread? Great bunch of ladies who understand your thoughts and worries. I can truly understand your emotions at this moment.

Rangirl Sat 14-Feb-09 10:28:46

She changed her mind(I suspect my sister had a word) All ok Thanks to all who responded.I didn't realise how much it was getting to me until it was all over

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lottiejenkins Sat 14-Feb-09 16:59:35

Am glad she has seen sense and changed her mind. You can have peace of mind now.

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