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When does the greif get easier from someones death?

(13 Posts)
Keane Thu 31-Mar-05 08:50:14

or doesnt it?

It is coming up to three years since my sister died and I feel worse this year than I have done any other year. Is this the normal pattern of things? I thought each year would get easier not worse

throckenholt Thu 31-Mar-05 09:04:05

don't think there are any rules - grief is very personal and hits you in unexpected ways.
If you think you have issues that you need to deal with then maybe go and talk to a counsellor.

marthamoo Thu 31-Mar-05 09:11:03

Oh Keane, I'm so sorry you're feeling low. I don't think grief follows a rational, logical pattern of getting steadily easier as time goes on - I think it's more like a roller-coaster of ups and downs. And anniversaries will always be hard. Also I think you're quite down at the moment (just intuiting this from certain things you've said on MN) so that will make your grief much harder to cope with. I don't have any personal experience to draw on but I know, from talking to my Mum about her Mum (who died very suddenly a few weeks after my Mum and Dad got married) that she still feels sad on birthdays, the anniversary of her Mum's death and so on - but that the sadness is more manageable and less raw than it was. But her Mum died about forty years ago - it takes time.

Have you had any sort of bereavement counselling? Maybe it would help to talk to someone about your feelings?

Above all I think it's important to remember that it is natural to feel so sad about your sister - you miss her. Hang on in there, and I hope life gets a bit better soon xxx

Moomin Thu 31-Mar-05 09:11:13

the thing with grief is that it's not an exact science. little things that seem unimportant can suddenly trigger off an outpouring and you feel desperate all over again. and then some days are much better and you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

it's still early days really after losing someone so close to you. is there anything that has made it seem particularly worse for you recently? when i was having difficulty conceiving last year i was very depressed about my mum's death and also two other close relatives'. i thought i was going mad. it wasn't until i saw a cousellor that she put 2 + 2 together for me and connected it to the ttc. but don't be hard on yourself if it's 'just' the grief. it's a slow process sometimes.

Keane Thu 31-Mar-05 15:13:09

I did go to my Gps and he will refer me for conselling if I want, he just wanted me to see how I felt after this week. I think he is just checking up on me tbh

dont think anything has triggered it. havent exactly had a great few years though. I wen to visit a newish friend I have this morning and she was great. Sorry for aski8ng this morning. I never know whether this is normal or not, although I know nothing will ever replace my sister and no-one comes close

KathH Thu 31-Mar-05 21:26:17

It's 7 yrs tomorrow since my dad died and most of the time i'm fine but even now all of a sudden something can just set it all off again - he was diagnosed with cancer and died just 4 wks later. Its just small things like i was really close to my dad and he adored dd1 and dd2 altho they were only 5 and 1 1/2 when he died and sometimes i just look at them and think it's so unfair (i dont know if unfairs the right word because that's like wishing it on someone else which i dont) that dd1 can barely remember him and dd2 doesnt have a clue and that he never met ds1 or ds2 and i know ds1 and him would have been great mates. Sorry - didnt mean to hijack! What i'm trying to say is yes, i think it's perfectly normal!

Sorrel Thu 31-Mar-05 22:01:45

hi keane,
hope you are feeling a bit better this evening. I lost my brother 4 years ago.promise not to do the comparitive grief thing.There is , i don;t think, any way that people grieve in the same way.it just sort of comes out when you re least expecting it.I Still have bad days, bleak days and sad days and i expect that will last for ever. None the less the bad days get fewer and fewer as time goes on. Weird sadness gets replaced with the good memories and thinking about the times you spent together. With me it is always the strange things, like seeing someone smile a bit like he would, or say something that reminds me of him. often a song from the 70's -probably one that he did't even like, but i remember listening to it with him. Daft really. i find the regret hard to stand sometimes, but i think it is less often these days. I don't think the grief gets any easier: it's just a process and one that is entirely personal. What does get easier is the ability to cope with your own life,and process what has happened.I did have help from Cruise for a while, who helped me understand the process. it can be very lonely sometimes, but I think it's brilliant that you can post on here and know at least you are not alone.<<<<hugs>>>
ps it is really good about you having a newish friend and someone who won't tell you to Cheer Up!

JanH Thu 31-Mar-05 22:08:18

Hi, Keane, sweetheart

I don't know if you saw the thread I started about Nigella Lawson on grief but I hope it might help you today - the bit I like is <<There is a process to grief, but it is not linear. "You don't feel this on a Monday, that on a Tuesday, as though you are making steady progress from A to B while all about you are being supportive. It's as if people think you are either happy or unhappy, one or the other. As though happiness is like some kind of domestic cleaning product you spray around to get rid of those nasty, dark, dusty corners. I don't think happiness is a remedy for unhappiness, like there, that was unhappy, now this is happy! What kind of a life is it if you don't have both? You don't go around grieving all the time, but the grief is still there and always will be.">>

The grief is still there and always will be. It's OK to feel the way you do. XXX

jamiesam Thu 31-Mar-05 22:18:45

In my experience, it's entirely personal but helped by having the opportunity to talk to the right person, whether counsellor, friend or family. My mum died very suddenly when I was 19 and some of the grief didn't come out for several years - decided I didn't want to hurt that much again so tried to lose touch with my best friend. Fortunately, she was having none of it. In fact, I think being able to talk about your sister AND your feelings are probably equally important. You can often understand your feelings more by 'translating' them to someone else. And it's hard to feel that you can't talk about someone who is that important to you.

Sort of nice, natural grief re-occurs when I realise how much of my boys my mum's missing (and that they will never know her) but not the sobbing out loud sort iykwim.

If it helps, I'm having a lovely cry now - Thank you!

Twiglett Thu 31-Mar-05 22:19:26

Anniversaries are the worst though, I think maybe it does get easier but every year around that time you feel yourself obsessing and slipping back into the 'what if' / 'if only' mentality

Year after year it gets easier though, but I would totally agree that it isn't linear and can take you by surprise. I think 3 years is not long at all

The memory doesn't disappear but the pain and tightening in your chest does eventually over the years

It is personal experience and my not hold true for all, but that is what I've found I hope that can help in some way

WideWebWitch Thu 31-Mar-05 22:27:43

Hi Keane. My dad died 4 years ago and I still have moments when grief completely overwhelms me, sometimes totally unexpectededly, and it seems incredibly recent and raw all over again. There are some wise words on this thread and I agree with them - it's ok to feel however you feel. I think it's bound to be hard for any of us to get used to the idea that we won't see someone ever again. 3 years isn't long really, we might think it is for some things but in grief terms it isn't imo.

Fio2 Fri 01-Apr-05 09:10:43

Kath, i will be thinking about you today honey

Well janh, i have just had a good old cry over that Nigella peice! It is so true. i remember reading it the first time you posted it up. I always take comfort in the fact we made the most of what time sarah did have left. She knew that she was going to die, and although we never expected it so soon we did make the most of her life. It can be true that she lived every day as if it was her last. I just miss her so much. I have been having a few problems with my Mum and as you know my Dad doesnt speak to me and I wish i could just share things with her like I used to. She was the only person who really understood me. She was my best friend and I just feel like crap without her, sorry for going on. i know nothing is going to help and things wont just get better. it just seems so hard atm

Pol25 Sun 17-Apr-05 19:56:18

I lost my mum in 2002 to breast cancer/liver cancer, when I was just 21 and it made me do alot of growing up. I often think of death and how it affects us all. I don't think it ever gets better, you never forgive the loss you have had; especially when you loved that person dearly. You just learn to deal with it more easily. You learn to focus on the good times and laugh about the funny times.
But there are times, when unexpectedly the grief bowls you over all over agin like it had just happened yesterday.
My mum had had cancer on and off for years and during the summer of 2001 she had pains in her side and back but docs said it was strains- as she was a carer to a young lady with CP. Inside by the time christmas was upon us my middle sis and I had talked about it being cancer and my mum had shunned it but had said that if it was, she had had it twice before and this must be her time to go now. She said she would not have chemo agian and would just try and be as comfortable as possible.
She went into hospital on the 15th of January and died on the 23rd of January at 9:20am, just as my sis and I had left to go and let her dog out. It is a huge refret I have , not being there for her when she was scared and needed me.
There are poignant conversations I remember having with her in her confused state- asking her if she would have chemo when she was too confused to answer the consultants and her replying 'yes, I don't want to die' but us knowing she was too ill and me crying and her replying 'am I clutching at straws Paula?'
Life has been hard since her death and I will never forget a moment with her. Things do get easier though.

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