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First Birthday without Dad..

(13 Posts)
rach345 Fri 02-Jan-09 10:47:06

On New Year's eve would of been my dad's birthday but he died January 19th 2008. It was rather sudden and I miss him terribly.
I told my ds(7yrs old) it was Papa's(his grandfather)birthday and he said "oh can I say Happy birthday" I said "yes". then he said "well how can i say happy birthday if Papa is in heaven". I was in tears. If i speak to my dd(17yrs old) she is in tears. so we always change the subject.
It is now getting close to the 1st anniversary and i have no idea how i am going to be.I am already teary whenever i think of him. I would like to do something in memory of him but dont know what.

MrsMerryHenry Fri 02-Jan-09 10:50:55

Sending you lots of hugs and sympathy.

How about planting a tree in his memory? I'd like to do this for my family members who've passed on.

MrsMerryHenry Fri 02-Jan-09 10:52:55

Sorry, just realised the anniversary is a couple of weeks away. Perhaps you could organise a small, personalised memorial 'service' at home - involving lighting candles, reading poems, sharing stories about your father, eating his favourite meal - anything that creates a sense of ceremony can be incredibly meaningful.

evaangel Fri 02-Jan-09 10:53:35

I am so sorry

thinking of you and you your family

TheInnocentBystander Fri 02-Jan-09 10:54:38

How about releasing some balloons too up to your Dad in memory of his birthday?

rach345 Fri 02-Jan-09 10:59:30

hiya
another problem is my dad is from Canada and i am in England so i cant even go back right now to be with my mother and brothers, I was going to light a candle at church on new years eve but couldnt find one open(how ironic)
I am going to be an emotional wreck, my dd is taking it hard but wont really talk to me.(she and my dad were like to peas in a pod, did everything together before we moved over here)
I know she is hurting and can tell when she is starting to get emotional but as soon as we talk about it we tear up. I was wanting to get her to talk to someone in winstons wish but not sure if she is too old, as i think winstons wish is for kids younger.
oh i dont know just miss him sooo much..

LittleMissNorty Fri 02-Jan-09 11:05:04

Oh you poor thing.....crying is good for you all....I done plenty of it when my dad died.....and still do 3 years later. Do talk about him, look at photos and get emotional......don't change the subject, just remember the good times and try not to dwell on what actually happened (although at an anniversary, this is hard).....and we released balloons as well....I have a photo of me and dad on my wedding day on my mantelpiece with a bud vase next to it, and often put a flower there.

My sister and I also set up a memorial site here.....not for everyone, but we find it comforting.

{{hugs}} to you all x

MrsMerryHenry Fri 02-Jan-09 11:24:27

Why do you think your DD is unable to talk to you? Have you been bottling your feelings around her? If this is the case, by trying to do the best for your daughter you may have unwittingly communicated that feelings of pain should not be shared. This is not your fault, simply a consequence of trying to be a great mum under impossible circumstances.

I know someone whose daughter created a 'shrine' to her grandfather when he died - she made it out of something like a bedsheet slung over a table, with favourite toys and a picture of him, etc etc - anything meaningful to her.

If you assist your DD in making something like this, that process may help to open up discussion about your dad. She needs you to gently 'pursue' her - to gently remind her that you are always, always there for her. You don't need to be 'strong' and not show your pain, rather, allow her to see that pain and suffering is a normal part of life which all of us can learn to cope with.

I know it's not the same as being with your family in person, but could you do a webcam link with your family? You could explain that you'd like to organise a memorial tribute and then you could all do it at the same time - borrow someone's webcam/ laptop if you don't have one (many laptops have them built in).

MrsMerryHenry Fri 02-Jan-09 11:25:19

Also...as someone who's experienced a lot of bereavement lately, I want to know how you're dealing with your grief. Are you?

rach345 Fri 02-Jan-09 15:54:54

actually its my dd that says stop whenever i start tearing up, we both talk bout it all the time just sometimes we cry and sometimes we dont.

BlameItOnTheBogey Fri 02-Jan-09 16:06:43

Gosh Rach poor you. This is such an awful time. My dad died in 2006 and the worst dates in the following year were his birthday and the anniversary of his death. I think maybe you need to organise a little something for the 19th. Maybe you and your daughter could make time during the day to light a candle and talk about a few happy memories you have of him? Remind yourselves that he would want you to be happy and not to spend all your time being sad.

It does get easier I promise [puttingbravefaceonit icon needed]. I find I think about dad dying less and less each day and now I remember much more happy times we shared together (although still can't bring myself to e.g. watch my wedding video because I think I'd be a soggy mess seeing him on it). Take care of yourself over the next few days.

rach345 Sat 03-Jan-09 10:25:55

thanks, another thing, the day he died is my friends birthday so its hard to be happy for her and knowing thats the day my dad died. but as you said blameitonthebogey it does get easy i find i am ok then i see a picture or hear a song then i am in tears. but thats ok..

racegirl Sat 03-Jan-09 22:29:35

Hi Rach,

I lost my Dad in 2007 to cancer and each 1st time of anything was so hard. When it was the anniversary of him going we sent up things called Sky Lanterns (you can find them on the internet). My children wrote a little note for 'Bampa' and so did I and my Mum. We stuck them to each sky lantern, lit them and they gently floated up into the sky. The children fely their message was going directly to him and it was just a nice moment for the rest of us to share.

I really do hope you can find something that commemorates the day that is fitting to you and your family.

Lots of love and best wishes for the coming days

Nx

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