I just want to scream

[ChubbyDick]

My DS2 died 2 years ago today. He was stillborn 2 days later (at 36 weeks) but this was the day he died.

All the stupid 'what ifs' keep going through my head.

What if I'd said yes when DH suggested going into the hospital that evening. I said no as DS2 had been so busy the evening before I thought he'd MUST have been kicking me all day and I just was so used to it I wasn't even registering it. WHAT IF? What if he was only struggling then and they could have saved him if I'd gone in? What if I let him die because I didn't go in right then and waited to go the next morning? Why did I do that?

I miss him so much I can hardly breathe.

[thisisyesterday]

[Majeika]

I am so sorry. I dont know what to say.

What did you call him?

[ChubbyDick]

He's called Robert.

I feel so guilty. I should have saved him, I'm his mum, it's my job to look after him. I failed him so badly.

[Majeika]

Oh my love, how could you have known? You didnt let him die at all.

Have the doctors ever given a reason as to why he died?

Please dont blame yourself.

[ChubbyDick]

We have no reason, he was perfect.

Though my consultant thought maybe the placenta failed him. Even that makes me so mad. He was healthy and would have been fine if he'd been born early.

I have type 2 diabetes so I probably did something wrong, caused it to all go wrong. Nothing will convince me otherwise. I killed him.

Thanks for replying. My DH is out and I've just gone to pieces. Guess I just need a big cry to let it out.

[SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve]

Oh Chubby it is not your fault. Of course it's not.

I'm so sorry you're grieving, we're all here thinking of you xx

[Majeika]

sometimes crying is the best thing but you must not feel that you killed him.

You were probably monitored through the whole of your pregnancy and yet the placenta failed at the last minute. How can you possibly be blamed for that?

You have other children who need your energy and love and you can talk to them about Robert but there is no way you can live the rest of your life blaming yourself for something over which you had no control.

sometimes even though we will never forget you have to let go and move on....having Robert in your heart...............

[travellingwilbury]

Chubby I am so sorry to hear you are in so much pain .

You couldn't have done anything to save Robert , you have lost your beautiful boy and however it had happened you would feel awful guilt .

How are you generally dealing with it ? The 2 yr mark does seem like a particularly hard time for everyone I know that has lost a child .

Keep talking on here , even if it just helps you to get some of the feelings out it is all worthwhile

xx

[ChubbyDick]

I feel like I haven't grieved properly. I fell pregnant again a few months after Robert died and even had the same due date just one year on (Christmas day for both), then I couldn't let myself grieve properly as I had to focus on being pregnant and doing it all perfectly that time and getting DS3 here safe and sound.

DS3 was born 5 days before Robert's first birthday/anniversary.

And now I have a just gone 4 year old and a just gone 1 year old and I feel like if I let myself grieve and try to move forward I'll just fall apart, but I need to hold it together (and hold it all in) for them.

I made an appointment last week to see my GP to ask about counselling. They couldn't give me an appointment until a week later (and I asked to see ANY doctor, just wanted the next free appointment) but by the time it came around I chickened out and cancelled half an hour before I was due to go. I feel like I can't admit to anyone in real life how I feel, that I'll be a failure all over again.

God, I'm rambing on here. You don't even know me and are all so kind.

[ChubbyDick]

Also, I miscarried back in June at 14 weeks and the baby would have been born on the 6th of November, so I guess I'm struggling with that too.

[travellingwilbury]

You need to admit to your gp how you are really feeling . Honestly it will help you to talk about this , you sound like you have been keeping it all together for everyone else which is completely understandable but having that space to talk to someone and be truthful about how you are really feeling will help you .

Do you and your dh talk about Robert or have you both focused on your ds to get you through ?

[RubySlippers]

your grief is so raw still - counselling is not an admission of failure

it can often be a very important, but hard step to take on the road to recovering and moving forwards

please think about making another appointment

[ChubbyDick]

We do talk a lot about him. We want to make sure James and Alexander (our other boys) know all about their brother and how he still has a place in all our lives even though he's not here with us.

But I don't talk to my DH about how hard I'm still finding it. I think he'd be upset and not know what to do to help so feel even worse, iykwim. I don't want to upset him more.

I didn't even tell him why I was going to see my GP.

OK, I'm going to psych myself up and make another appointment. In fact I'll ask for an emergency one as I know that if I have to wait again I'll not go.

Thanks all, even just admitting it on screen helps.

[SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve]

James, Robert and Alexander - what beautiful strong names

[travellingwilbury]

I agree they are all great names , I would tell your dh if you can . If you are feeling this upset about it then you are bound to be showing it in some way and if your dh is anything like mine he will be thinking it is something to do with him . (the world does revolve around them sometimes )

He might be pleased to know what is going on and he may also be feeling much the same .

[lulumama]

Hi there

I am so sorry for the loss of Robert, your precious son, there are a couple of websites you could try, SANDS and compassionate friends. both for people who have lost babies and children.

i cannot imagine anything more heartbreaking than the loss of a baby, especially one who was healthy and kicking and so full of potential

a mother should not have to bury a child

it is just so wrong

you must not blame yourself

sometimes, a baby dies in utero or just after birth or during birth for no discernible reason and even if there is a reason, it is still an unbearable thing

am so sorry

[ChubbyDick]

Thank you, they are all names after Scottish kings, lol. Dh is big into Scottish history.

I'll tell my DH why i'm making an appointment then let the conversation go from there.

lulumama, I did register with the SANDS forum but only posted a few times. I find it hard to post.

I've cried myself into a big headache now but do feel a bit better for it anyway.

[lulumama]

crying is good, it is cathartic.

no-one should expect you to ever totally get over Robert's death, and to forget him, he was and realyl is, a part of your family.

some counselling, just to talk it all out would probably be really useful

[travellingwilbury]

I am glad you are feeling a wee bit better and I bet you sleep better tonight as well for a good sob , I know I always do .