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What do i do/say ?

(9 Posts)
swiperfox Wed 16-Mar-05 13:22:56

The lady opposite us went off in an ambulance on Sunday - She was due in March and I think their baby must have died. I only really know them to say hello to as their ds goes to playgroup with my dd. I took some flowers in for them but bumped into some of their relatives going into their house so i gave the flowers to them. I feel so so sorry for them and I dont know whether I should say anything or just keep saying hello to them as normal. I dont know exactly what happened but they must know that we know and I dont want them to think i'm being ignorant.
Why does this have to happen to anyone

nailpolish Wed 16-Mar-05 13:24:20

oh no how AWFUL

i would defintely say something, its hard but both you and she would be glad you did.

loudmum Wed 16-Mar-05 13:25:53

you must say something - n matter how small -- she will be despaate for her baby to be acknowledged... my friend lost her baby at term and was hurt badly by people avoiding whole subject..

dyzzidi Wed 16-Mar-05 13:26:28

why not call over to invite their ds to a playdate with your dd. If they want you to know what has happened they will tell you if not you have at least given them a break by helping with their ds.

Marina Wed 16-Mar-05 13:33:38

swiperfox, just carry on being a sympathetic and caring neighbour. I would try and be sure of the facts before saying anything too specific (hoping against hope their baby is in NICU or SCBU maybe...) and I think the easiest way to do that is to be direct but make it clear you are asking because you want to try and help. Maybe offering to have their ds round for a playdate? Offering to shop for them, or take both children to playgroup for a while? You could put these offers on a card through the door if you are hesitant about disturbing them. I think you can be honest and say you don't know what has happened but you saw the ambulance and want to help.
Sending in the flowers was a lovely thought and I am sure it was appreciated. Being there for your neighbour practically, or just as a listening ear over a coffee, will be a boon to her once the relatives have all gone home.
When my baby died I was so grateful to receive cards and e-mails - any acknowledgement that people were thinking of me and sorry to hear about Tom. The worst thing for me was the people I knew knew, but did not get in touch. The aftermath of the death of a longed-for baby is a lonely place and you can often feel there is no-one out there. She is lucky to have a thoughtful neighbour like you.

swiperfox Wed 16-Mar-05 13:37:59

thanks everyone. I suppose deep down i know i should say at least something or it wouldnt be bugging me - but as you say marina because I dont know what happened I dont want to assume - although they went out this morning with a couple of relatives dressed in black and with some flowers. I have never really spoken to her before apart from the odd hello - its always her dh who talks more to me and who i see at the school. I might do like you said and pass a note through the door as i really wouldnt know how to approach it face to face.

bubble99 Wed 16-Mar-05 13:55:10


I'd suggest that you contact them by a note/letter rather than directly. We are only now, a month after our son's death, feeling able to deal with 'phone calls. I really appreciate the letters and emails we are receiving because there is no need to respond immediately but at the same time we know that thoughts are with us.

pindy Wed 16-Mar-05 14:30:16

Yes I agree with Bubble - when I lost my daughter it was hard to deal with phone calls, actually it was easier face to face - they could see you crying! The hardest part for me was when people I knew crossed the road so that didn't have to speak. That hurt so much. Everyone knows it is a sad, awful time so words are not always needed, but a hug, or a smile and just knowing someone is there makes so much difference.

I would contact her, a note a first would be good, but please don't ignore her.

Good luck.

RTKangaMummy Wed 16-Mar-05 14:38:36

I agree

Put a note or card through letter box so they know you know

And please do say hello when you next bump into her/them

Like others have said it is a very lonely place when your baby dies.

They may want to talk and talk and talk or they may not it depends where they are in their grief IYSWIM

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