I've emailed SANDS. What happens now?

(27 Posts)
bubble99 Tue 15-Mar-05 22:16:31

I emailed with a brief outline of what happened and said which area I live in. Do they put me in touch with an individual or is it a group type set up? Any ideas anyone?

OP’s posts: |
MunchedTooManyMarsLady Tue 15-Mar-05 22:19:06

Just wanted to say hi honey

LGJ Tue 15-Mar-05 22:42:15

Sorry sweetheart,I have no idea, but keep bumping this someone will know.

God Bless

unicorn Tue 15-Mar-05 22:44:35

don't know either, but am so glad you are seeking some support.
I'm sure someone here has been in touch with Sands too...

all the best xxxx

HUNKERMUNKER Tue 15-Mar-05 22:57:02

Hi hun

Can you give them a call tomorrow and ask? The office number is 020 7436 7940 (from their website).

Hugs, sweetheart - have been thinking of you all every day xxxxxx

bubble99 Tue 15-Mar-05 23:09:48

Could do, but I'm not very good on the 'phone at the moment if I have to talk about Bo - I end up as a squally ball of snot and tears and can't speak properly. I expect they're used to that though.

OP’s posts: |
Blu Tue 15-Mar-05 23:13:58

Hi Bubble - Marina has experience with sands. keep bumping. xxx

soapbox Tue 15-Mar-05 23:15:06

Bubble would you like me to call them for you and ask and post their answer here?

Althernatively you could CAT (Contact another talker on the bottom line of the heading section)Marina. Marina lost a little boy herself a few years ago and she says that SANDS were very helpful to her. I imagine she would know how it works!

Kayleigh Tue 15-Mar-05 23:18:24

Hi Bubble. Marina doesn't usually post in the evenings but she'll be back on here tomorrow. This needs to be bumped up after 9:30 ish in the morning.

bubble99 Tue 15-Mar-05 23:50:13

Thanks soapbox, I'll wait and see if they email me tomorrow. I'm just wary of being hit full force with a "counsellory" type person. When I was in hospital, after a couple of days I wanted to see my medical notes. I wanted to see in writing the chain of events that led to Bo's death. There was a midwife at the nurses' station reading my notes and I asked to see them. She was very cagey and started muttering about "having to check if it was ok." I reminded her of "The Freedon of Information Act" and after a couple of 'phone calls, probably to the trust's lawyers, she gave them to me. While I was reading them in my room another midwife came in and said that a "bereavement midwife" was coming to talk to me. The midwife who hadn't wanted me to see my notes then walked in in full "counsellor" mode. I found her intensely irritating and when I said that I didn't want to talk she looked at me as if to say "denial".I spent so many days just sitting staring at the TV "watching" I don't know what. She made a negative comment about that, as if I should switch it off so she could show me just how professional she was. I am a registered nurse, I know about the stages of grief. I found her patronising.
I found it easy to talk to the lovely midwife who looked after Elijah and I on the postnatal ward. We talked when she checked my wound, gave me laxatives and dried my tears.
I think what I'm trying to say is I don't want to sit opposite someone with a "counsellor expression" on their face.

OP’s posts: |
Janh Tue 15-Mar-05 23:55:16

Marina is a big fan of SANDS, bubble - I doubt if they will be like that awful midwife.

I wonder if you could discuss it with them initially by email instead of speaking? If you can do it that way it might be easier. I am very impressed that you can talk at all at the moment, let alone about Bo. Have you got friends you can talk to and bawl with though?

HUNKERMUNKER Tue 15-Mar-05 23:56:12

Should've occurred to me, Bubble - I'm sorry. I know what you mean about counsellor-type expression, nothing less likely to help IMO. More big hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxx

bubble99 Wed 16-Mar-05 00:20:28

I'll definately talk to Marina, she's mentioned SANDS and that they were a lifeline for her with Tom. Thanks Kayleigh, I'll bump this post 9.30am as you've suggested.
Yes, I do have people to talk to in RL. I know I need to cry, shout, wail, whatever - to get these feelings out and I do with DH. Marina has said that a certain amount of "public meltdowns" seem to be required to deal with this. I've got a couple of good girlfriends who I know are desperate to grieve with me. I just feel that I need to keep it together in order to stay sane.I can weep and wail with DS and I feel that we are each others safety valve.
BTW the hospital where all of this happened has another enquiry on it's hands. One of the mothers at our school (not in our year) went in for a routine op. had a cardiac arrest and was not resuscitated in time. Major questions being asked about staffing levels and time taken to put out a crash call. She was 35 years old and leaves a DH and two children.
Re: Stages of grief. Angry seems to fit me well right now.

OP’s posts: |
bubble99 Wed 16-Mar-05 00:23:06

Sorry, meant to say that I can weep and wail with DH not DS, although I've cried a lot around them too.

OP’s posts: |
LGJ Wed 16-Mar-05 07:40:58

Bump for bubbles

ggglimpopo Wed 16-Mar-05 08:08:40

Message withdrawn

anchovies Wed 16-Mar-05 09:17:13


RTKangaMummy Wed 16-Mar-05 09:24:36

bubbles We are members of SANDS and we went along to a meeting but personnally as everyone already knew each other didn't personally like it

But I am very shy in RL so that is probably why.

We get the newsletter and we always get our christmas cards from there

To support SANDS but also to remind people of DT1.

I know exactly what yopu mean by "counsellors" we went to one at hospital and hated it cos we had 1 hour to talk about DT1 and then when time was up end of talking.

The NNU nurses did our counselling while looking after DT2 IYSWIM

One of my friends {B} was brill cos she just let me talk and talk

pindy Wed 16-Mar-05 09:25:57

Hi Bubbles - don't know the whole story (new to this) but I also lost a baby and had a bad midwife - made things much worse. Thinking of you.

RTKangaMummy Wed 16-Mar-05 09:27:43

Welcome pindy


bundle Wed 16-Mar-05 09:55:43

bubble whereabouts do you live? i have a friend who's involved in SANDS in London

bundle Wed 16-Mar-05 09:58:59

there's also the
Child Death Helpline

Who are we?
Professionals and parents working in partnership to provide:
A listening service that offers emotional support to all those affected by the death of a child.
An opportunity for you to talk in confidence with someone who has also experienced the death of a child.
Recognition of:
(i)The powerful emotions and sometimes frightening feelings involved.
(ii)The long term nature and the sadness of grief.
(iii)Significant times such as birthdays, anniversaries and other family events and milestones.

Who can call?
Anyone affected by the death of a child of any age, from pre-birth to adult.
Brothers and sisters.
Grandparents, other relatives.
Emergency services staff, healthcare professionals.

Who can you speak to?
The Helpline is staffed by bereaved parent volunteers.
They are supported by a professional team.
The helpline is not a counselling service.

The helpline is open 365 days a year.

Every evening 7.00 p.m. to 10.00 p.m.
Monday to Friday mornings 10.00 a.m. to 1.00 p.m.
and Wednesday afternoons 1.00 - 4.00 p.m.

Marina Wed 16-Mar-05 10:10:33

It depends on where you live Bubble. Some branches, such as mine (SELSANDS - in SE London) have an active programme of meetings (usually monthly, in someone's house) and befriending. Befrienders are trained by SANDS to offer you whatever one-to-one support you might need. Wherever possible, you are "matched" with someone whose bereavement is similar to yours, so hopefully SANDS will try and find you a Befriender who has been through the experience of having one twin die and one survive.
Like RTKangaMummy, I've known people find SANDS meetings helpful and others find them not helpful. I was befriended by two very kind mums from my branch and Erica from Head Office. I never went to a general meeting, I wasn't sure I could face that.
Actually, I have now read the whole thread, bubble.
I will CAT you immediately.
I am not a SANDS Befriender currently but planning to take the training sometime this year. If by any chance you are in London I am happy to meet you, or you can ring me, or if you are in SE London I will put you straight on to Julia or Gill from SELSANDS.
I am so sorry the Bereavement Midwife assigned to you is not helping. She does sound a major pain, frankly. I did most of my weeping on the lovely, lovely midwife who delivered Tom, but was "luckier" with my bereavement midwife than you have been. She came into her own afterwards, helping me deal with the fallout of never finding out why he died. It sounds to me from what you have said about your hospital that you might need to contact their PALS (Patient Advocacy and Liaison Service) staff to start getting access to your notes.
Lots of love XXX

peppermint2 Wed 16-Mar-05 10:10:51

I lost a baby 5 years ago, very very unexpectedly at 34 weeks. He lived for 5 hours. I totally understand your feelings about being "counselled" by people,I didn't want to be counselled either,(ex psychiatric nurse!), but I just wanted to understand what had happened.I felt very angry too. I found the most helpful people were those who just let me talk and be angry/tearful/whatever. I contacted SANDS for info and they put me in touch with another person who had had a similar experience which helped.I hope you are able to find the support you need. Best Wishes.

bundle Wed 16-Mar-05 10:14:00

if you're in n.london, that's where my friend lives although the s.london branch is the nearest proper one to her, i think.

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