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Fraser's thread for bereaved mummies: Death leaves a heartache no-one can heal - Love leaves a memory no-one can steal

(979 Posts)
frasersmummy Sun 09-Nov-08 21:11:57

Hello my good friends

Its lovely to be asked to set up our new support tread especially as we head towards our first festive season supporting each other.

I hope Frasers part of the journey is as smooth as Eris, Jack and Matt&Gareths

charleymouse Mon 10-Nov-08 01:44:22

Good evening FM I'm sure Frasers thread will be just perfect, the title is so appropriate and so true.

I was just thinking tonight how wonderful it would have been to have my two identical little boys running round and it breaks my heart. Will come to you for advice Shabs about how to deal with lost twinship when I am ready if that is okay.

Night night all, holding you close in my thoughts.

shabster Mon 10-Nov-08 07:20:14

Good morning girls xxxxx

Charley if I can help in any way just shout up.

xx

lottiejenkins Mon 10-Nov-08 09:07:40

Morning all, i have just signed Jacks thread off........I really need to get motivated today but i will see what happens! x

shabster Mon 10-Nov-08 09:29:41

Morning Lottie - it was good to be part of Jacks thread xx

shabster Mon 10-Nov-08 10:38:53

Perfect thread title smile

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt Mon 10-Nov-08 10:49:26

Popping in to bookmark the new thread.

Lots of love to all you ladies on here xxx

hazygirl Mon 10-Nov-08 11:45:13

hello girlsxxx hope you are all okxx

charleymouse Mon 10-Nov-08 14:23:18

Morning Afternoon all
Cheers Shabs, not sure when the twinness will hit him to be honest. Someone at nursery asked if I would tell him shock of course I will. I don't want to labour it but want him to know so think will just answer questions as openly and honestly as I can and ensure there is always a pic of B up somewhere in the house so he is not a stranger. I have a DVD of both of them at an ultrasound to show him when he is older. I can't watch it myself at the moment but will be a time I am sure when I can again.

feedmenow Mon 10-Nov-08 14:42:51

Welcome to the new thread and bon voyage to the old! Long may it live in the MN archives!

Really must apologise for my typing yesterday! My keyboard at home must be sticking cos the amount of typo's is just plain ridiculous!

Has been absolutely piddling it down here all day - really not good for my motivation levels!

shabster Mon 10-Nov-08 14:46:08

Hiya Charley. We have always had pictures all around the house of our boys. I introduced them all to my grandson last week!! Danny has always suffered with 'separation anxiety' - hates being in the house by himself, frets about everybody all day while he is at work etc etc. He hates the dark and especially is petrified of clowns! Dont forget he is almost 27.

When he saw a phsyciatrist a few years ago he explained to him that having been a twin can throw up all kinds of problems if your twin dies. He reckons that if it is handled properly in your family and you know about your twin and why it happened it can be made a lot easier for you to cope with it.

Dan has good friends who are twins and he is fascinated by them.

I think that open, honest talks are the best way. When Dan was about 2 we used to play 'who is that in the photograph.' He loved showing me his twin pictures and would kiss Gareth. Now, I am delighted to say, he often will 'forget' Gareth and Matts remember days.

charleymouse Mon 10-Nov-08 15:02:15

G likes company as well, A could be left on her own a lot more than G can, often wondered of that was his twinness.

I managed to get some pics of the boys together in the hospital, they were very helpful and brought both boys out of special care so they could be christened and we could cuddle them together before they were separated for the final time so hopefully G can look at these. I also did the DNA testing and found out they were identical as they had two sacs/placentas as always thought they were non-IDTs. That was the hardest thing swabbing B in the funeral home. I could barely see as I was doing it. I just felt I should find out everything I could for G though. I think one of the hardest (although aren't they all) things for G might be the remember day is his birthday. sad

charleymouse Mon 10-Nov-08 23:17:59

sorry for killing thread, hope your head is better Shabs. night night all

shabster Tue 11-Nov-08 07:04:33

Morning girls - Charley you didn't kill the thread you nutcase grin x

travellingwilbury Tue 11-Nov-08 07:23:15

Good morning all

How is everyone doing ? That twin thing must bring such an added worry for you both .

I know how hard we have found it because Harry was our first so our two other boys never got to meet him but have had it explained to them . Well the oldest (5 in Jan) anyway . I think most of it they just pick up along the way looking at photos etc .
He did really struggle in the summer and started getting really upset about it which was heartbreaking but he has settled down now thankfully .We got Harrys special toys out of the loft and went through them with him and let him play with them and after that he seemed to feel more included about the whole thing and was a lot better .
I had to try really hard not to freak out when he was playing with his stuff though blush

Anyway , waffle waffle .
How is everyone today ?

shabster Tue 11-Nov-08 07:43:53

Morning love.....we have sleet in Bolton - delightful!!

Tommy has a massive box of Lego passed down from his brothers with a lot of his own in it. When you look through the older pieces they have Matts teeth marks in them where he has pulled them apart sad I sometimes search through for them. Tommy does the same and I say 'dont do that you will damage your teeth.' When I really want to say 'dont put your teeth marks over Matts.'

travellingwilbury Tue 11-Nov-08 08:04:08

The sleet sounds horrid Shabs , we had torrential rain here all day yesterday it was grim .

It is hard getting the balance right isn't it ? I really don't want my two boys to think they are not as special as Harry but in some ways they just can't be . The best I can hope for is they grow up feeling as loved as he would have done .

shabster Tue 11-Nov-08 08:58:18

I know exactly what you mean! I think the love we have for our children who are not physically here turns into a deep longing for them. An overwhelming desire to see them again.

So the love we have for our children who are still with us is a different love but I think an equal love. I am sure your children will grow up knowing you love and adore them.

travellingwilbury Tue 11-Nov-08 09:40:50

Are you still in touch with Tias Mummy ?
If so please send her my love , I think of her often .

shabster Tue 11-Nov-08 10:07:46

I just had the one email from her a couple of weeks ago. I will email her later and pass on your love.

hazygirl Tue 11-Nov-08 10:26:06

morning girls ,i think your right about ourlonging for loved ones,i love my grandkids,but my god i miss jayden so much dd bought home school photo ,all three of thm together and i just couldnt help but think whos missing x

travellingwilbury Tue 11-Nov-08 10:52:00

I think thats one of the hardest times , when all the family are together you really notice the one that isn't .

Thanks Shabs , I hope she is doing ok .

shabster Tue 11-Nov-08 11:08:54

Every time I iron I think

'Imagine how many shirts I would be doing if all four of my lovley lads were still here'

I am also very envious when I see people with twins.

Even after all these years the hurt and grief still makes me feel ill at times.

hazygirl Tue 11-Nov-08 11:59:14

big hugs shabsxxhope you are feeling betterx i went to funeral yesterday of a lady i worked with for few years ago at two different hospitals,fantastic hilarious lady who died so suddenly ,aged 57.they queded outside and it was same vicar who buried jayden,it brought so many memories ,came home house empty and had a good old cry ,today i have all 3 girls,but boiler on blink so gas fire on and am bloody nervous as amelia walking now,dh cant see why im so stressed out ......ill cope but roll on omorrow when its fixedxxx

feedmenow Tue 11-Nov-08 13:01:42

Sorry to hear everyone sounding so blue today sad

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