My mum died a couple of months ago - everyone thinks i'm fine but i'm not

(14 Posts)
Lucky13 Fri 07-Nov-08 22:52:38

Everything is crumbling around me and i don't know what to do. I miss my mum so much and just feel like i'm slowly drowning in everything in my life.

My husband hates me because i am snappy and miserable. i have nothing in my life other than my DD and nothing to keep me motivated. Every day i wait for things to get better, but they don't.

I run my own business which is going ok and at the same time i look after my one year old DD. I feel because i'm doing both that maybe my daughter suffers and that she would be better off with someone else looking after her, but its not what i want really.

I know i could do more and be better organised but i don't know how to get out of this hole.

I just want my mum back and have the light back in my life again. I don't want my husband to leave me because i am like this. I just don't know where to begin.

OP’s posts: |
spiceymama Fri 07-Nov-08 23:02:26

im very sorry lucky13sad

im sure someone will come and help you bumping for you smile

spiceymama Fri 07-Nov-08 23:03:24

and im sure you are doing a fab job with your dd smile

herbietea Fri 07-Nov-08 23:06:00

Message withdrawn

onlyjoking9329 Fri 07-Nov-08 23:07:58

it is still very early days and very raw for you, it sounds like you feel your DH isn't very understanding, do you have someone else who you can talk to?
i think the big black hole will over time not feel so big.
so sorry that you don't have your mum with you anymore, that is a big gap to fill.

BoysAreLikeDogs Fri 07-Nov-08 23:10:41

Lucky I am so sorry for your loss.

It's such early days - I think you may be expecting too much of yourself.

I agree that a chat with the Dr may help - counselling, though not for everyone, is one way to learn how to work through your grief.

You have joined a club, which you didn't want to belong to and would not ever choose to join.


RedtartanLass Fri 07-Nov-08 23:36:16

Oh lucky13, I very rarely come on mn now, but it was my ds1’s graduation this week and I couldn’t sleep ‘cos I was feeling sad that my mum wasn’t there to see it. She died a couple of months before my own graduation 11 years ago. There is nothing I can say that will make you feel better except to say it does get easier. I ran away just before my mum died as I couldn’t cope with her illness, I thought just as you do, that maybe my ds1 would be better without me. Luckily I had good friends to help me through and I talked and talked. If you want to cat me, I’d be willing to listen to you and help support you through this terrible time. You have to remember that you’re mum lives on through you and your wonderful dd, and she shared your joy. Your ds doesn’t hate you, he is probably tearing his hair out wondering how he can help, he probably feels helpless and can’t communicate his worry to you. Again all I can do is wish you some peace and tell you it does get easier. Nobody can warn you of the sorrow that sometimes hit you at the most unexpected times, almost like a punch in the stomach, it takes your breath away. I used to dream she was alive and wake up crying when I realised it was just a dream. I still get those dreams, not as frequent but I loved my mum so much I feel so much for you, jsut at the beginning of this horrible journey. All my thoughts lucky13 and best wishes.

Not sure this has helped at all, but just want you to know you’re not alone.

SmileyMylee Fri 07-Nov-08 23:44:30

I'm so sorry about your mum, but a couple of months really isn't a lot of time to get over something as massive as this. It took me months before I felt able to even talk to people again. My GP was great, she really helped me. But it did take a lot of time.

I'm sure your daughter is more than happy being with you whilst you're working, but if you're worried about it, why not think of getting some help so that you can have some time to yourself. I've always worked with my little ones around - they're much older now and don't seem to have been adversely affected by it at all.

I'm sure your husband doesn't hate you. He may not realise what the problem is or else he is just frustrated with himself that he cannot help. Have you tried talking to him about how you are feeling? Whilst talking to someone doesn't make it better, it sometimes helps.

Joolyjoolyjoo Fri 07-Nov-08 23:54:01

Aw, lucky13, it's rough. I lost my mum 5 years ago now, when I was pregnant with dd1. I think a lot depends on how your mum died, and how things were with you before she did. My mum was so ill, I watched her struggle for years, and we talked about her dying, so when she did die I was relieved for her, but at the same time very sad for myself.

One of the things I felt was that it wasn't fair- other people still have their mums. But when I asked myself if I would rather have had MY mum for a shorter time or anyone ELSE's mum for longer, there was no contest. My mum was a really special person. I'm grateful I had her as long as I did, even though it's not as long as I would have liked. Sometimes I would still like to rage agianst the injustice of it all, though.

A couple of months isn't very long- it's no wonder you are finding it tough. Cut yourself some slack. Your mum will never really leave you. I find myself coming out with things that are totally "my mother" and which I swore I would never say. I genuinely believe she will always be around somehow. I don't know if this helps you at all, but you have my sympathies.

lulu2 Fri 07-Nov-08 23:55:10

lucky and redtartanlass i am sorry for you both. My Mum died 4 yrs ago and sometimes i miss her so much it's unbearable. I grieve for the relationship my Mum never had with my dd who was 6 months old when Mum died.
It is really hard for your DH too, have you got anyone to talk to about it? have you thought about bereavement counselling? It certainly helps to talk but i think now that people expect me to have gotten over it.

thumbwitch Fri 07-Nov-08 23:59:42

for you lucky13 but 2 months really isn't that long. Is your DH not being supportive to you? He should be; or are you just fretting about you being the way you are and worrying that he will respond badly to it eventually?

I lost my mum quite suddenly last year while pg with DS - I still don't think I have really come to terms with it although I cope on a day to day basis with it. Just sometimes it comes back to bite me that she isn't there and hasn't even seen DS, and that she has missed out on all his stages etc.

You need to get bereavement counselling asap - talk to someone, anyway.

Are you sleeping properly? That would help. And if your DH ISN'T being supportive enough then tell him so - 2 months is nothing in the grieving process.

MsHighwater Sat 08-Nov-08 00:20:11

Lucky13, you sound depressed. Of course, you are grieving for your mother but you sound very down indeed - your comments about your husband hating you and about wondering if your dd would be better off with someone else looking after her sound like red flags to me.

Maybe you need to start acknowledging to those around you that you are not fine (you might find that they already know it) and go for help. Your GP would be a good first port of call, I would think.

I hope you can get whatever support you need and that you feel better soon.

emmywoo Tue 11-Nov-08 13:43:12

Dear Lucky 13, I know what you are going through and am so sorry for you loss. I lost my mum very suddenly last year. It will be a year this coming Friday. To start with it didn't seem real but as the weeks went by I started to grieve and very much like you everything seemed to crumble around me. I went and saw my Dr who sent me for Berevement Counselling which helped me so much. I don't think that a day goes by where I don't think of my mum. I have found that talking about her helps me and also making sure that I have photos' of her around the house of when she was well and happy. I also think of what she would want me to do and I know that she woudl want me to be happy and I am sure that is what your mum would wish for. I am sure that your husband does't hate you. There is no book out there that tell us how to cope when something like this happens to us, we just have to do the best we can. I do recommend seeing your doctor. All my love. xx

petalpower Thu 13-Nov-08 12:01:29

So sorry to hear of your loss. My darling Mum died 18 months ago aged just 63. She was just the most special person, a wonderful wife, Mum and Grandma. Although I had lots of support around me I really needed to talk to someone a bit more detached. I contacted Cruse (the number is in the phone book) and had a lovely lady visit me fortnightly at home for a year just to talk. There was no charge as it is a charity. The lady I saw told me that she wasn't a councellor just more of a befriender and a supportive listening ear. It helped me enormously. Hope this helps.

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