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Is this ever going to ease?

(24 Posts)
bubble99 Fri 11-Mar-05 20:07:52

Three weeks ago, due to botched medical and midwifery care, one of my term twin sons died during labour.
His twin nearly died and was delivered by CS with an initial APGAR score of 3. He survived and we thank a "higher power" daily for this.
I have two elder DS's and we are a close and loving family.

I am finding it so difficult to deal with, I was cocooned in a state of shock in hospital for a week afterwards and was desperate to get home and back into some kind of normality. We run our own business (two children's day nurseries) and I've been back helping out over the last week for a couple of hours a day. I hoped that this would help me to get a grip on the real world and had somehow hoped that it would act as a distraction and emotional sticking plaster.
It hasn't, in fact I am hit by the awfulness of what's happened as, removed from my cocoon, I can see that "life goes on" and that really hurts.
I drove home from the nursery with my 3 week old son, in tears as I listened to the radio. There was a real "lads song" on - Nirvana or something and I got this image of my beautiful baby as a spotty, surly adolescent who I would embarass frequently but who would always be "my baby." I thought of his twin brother who I would never see and the pain was unbearable.
Went to the supermarket later with the baby while the older boys were at school and was stopped in the street by so many people that I know (but not well enough for them to know what had happened) and of course they knew I'd been pregnant with twins and so asked "Where's the other baby?" I came home and crumpled.
Is this ever going to ease?

ggglimpopo Fri 11-Mar-05 20:11:18

Message withdrawn

wilbur Fri 11-Mar-05 20:19:02

Oh bubble, I'm so so sorry. I don't know what to say as I can hardly imagine your pain. It must be awful to be asked about Bo by people who don't know what happened. All I can say from my own experience of bereavement (losing my parents, so very different from yours, I know) is that there is a healing that happens over time. I often think of this kind of pain like a room where everything about the person you lost is stored, and at first you spend all your time in that room, then gradually less and less. Then some days you find yourself in there for long periods of time again, and then no visits for months. It's all still there, in the room, but eventually you don't visit it so often. I realise that sounds very airy-fairy, and I hesitated to post it, but it helps me and I thought perhaps it might help you a tiny bit. Take care of yourself.

unicorn Fri 11-Mar-05 20:19:15

oh bubble, I have no experience of this at all, and wiser people will no doubt be more helpful, I just wanted to send some hugs{{{}}}.

You are grieving, please allow yourself to do that for as long as it takes.

Make use of us here, and when you have the strength, get in touch with some RL support groups too.. I am sure that may help ease some of the pain.

Take care XXX

LittleRedRidingHood Fri 11-Mar-05 20:19:46

{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}} big long cyber hugs to you Bubbles - I read the awful story at the time -Its no wonder you are finding things terribly difficult - especially as you have a healthy new baby and your older children to cope with as well

As i havent experienced such a tragedy myself i cant really sympathise as no way can i understand the enormous load of pain you must be suffering - THe only advice i can suggest would be to try not to expect too much of yourself - take things as easy as you can for as long as possible - and very importantly seek help from counsellors and support groups

AND hopefully Kanga will be along soon - Cos i know she has experienced very similar

Lots of love xxx

mafalda1 Fri 11-Mar-05 20:30:03

DEar Bubble, Iam so sorry to hear your news. I have placed a link here that hope will help

If not you could always talk to someone at
Child Death Helpline
Great Ormond Street Hospital for Children, Great Ormond Street, London, WC1N 3JH
Tel: 020 78138551 (admin)/ 0151 2525391
Helpline: 0800 282986
Fax: 020 78138516

Offers support to parents, relatives, friends, teachers, nurses and anyone affected by a child's death in whatever circumstances.

I know that it has helped a friend of mine when she lost her child talking to them.

mafalda1 Fri 11-Mar-05 20:31:50

Dear Bubble, Iam so sorry to hear your news. I have placed a link here that hope will help

If not you could always talk to someone at
Child Death Helpline
Great Ormond Street Hospital for Children, Great Ormond Street, London, WC1N 3JH
Tel: 020 78138551 (admin)/ 0151 2525391
Helpline: 0800 282986
Fax: 020 78138516

Offers support to parents, relatives, friends, teachers, nurses and anyone affected by a child's death in whatever circumstances.

I know that it has helped a friend of mine when she lost her child talking to them.
Not sure if link working, you can copy and paste if not.

LGJ Fri 11-Mar-05 20:35:18

Oh sweetheart,

It will never really go away, but what it will do is scab over in time, every so often, something will come along to knock the scab off and set you back.

At the moment and for quite a while, Bo will be your first thought in the morning, your last thought at night and your every thought during the day.

And then one day he will be your second thought of the day and this will not make you disloyal to his memory, it just means that the old cliche is actually true and time is a healer.

This below is nothing like your situation with Bo, but how I felt, may help you to undrstand your feelings are perfectly normal.

I had a M/C at about 8 weeks having waited for ever to concieve, afterwards I remember looking at strangers/people going about their everyday life and even worse laughing. I could have cheerfully killed them. I felt like shouting at them, do you not know I lost my baby.

It will stop hurting eventually, I promise.

I think the best thing anyone ever said to me was, you won't get over it, but you will get round it in time.

Take care of yourself.

With much love


Sorry if it all seems a bit rambly,

PuffTheMagicDragon Fri 11-Mar-05 20:35:45

bubble, on top of all that has happened, it must be very hard when people innocently ask about Bo.

Thinking of you xx.

cat82 Fri 11-Mar-05 20:37:02

Sweetheart i am so sorry, i don't have any practical advice i'm afraid. I'm thinking of you, i really hope you find a way to deal with you pain.

soapbox Fri 11-Mar-05 22:32:11

Bubble - I haven't been through your painful experience, but from the experiences I have had, I would say that the pain never ever goes away. In time I think you learn to deal and cope with the pain - sometimes you will even bore yourself rigid with it all - but it won't go away.

You will learn to cope with it though and you will go on, because like many things in life you have no choice!

Bo will always be part of your life and as painful as that might be, I suspect you wouldn't want it any other way

In the meantime, I hope that you can take some comfort from our collective love and support for you and for our pain that Bo wasn't given the chance that he deserved

Pruni Fri 11-Mar-05 22:39:42

Message withdrawn

moondog Fri 11-Mar-05 22:40:35

bubble, bubble,bubble...what can we say?
We feel your pain and we grieve for your lost baby as well as rejoicing for your baby who is with you.
I have thought about you all often since reading your dh's shocking post about their birth.

george32 Sun 13-Mar-05 23:02:19

Bubble, I'm so sorry. I just posted on the other thread & then saw this.
I do hope that you make time & space for yourself to grieve. I'm 6 weeks down the line from just a simple missed m/c and I'm still finding day to day things hard. Time at home seems easier as time goes by & then you have to face people outside & it's so hard putting on the happy "I'm fine face" when inside your heart is breaking.
I have been told that time is the only healer so please be good to yourself and make time for nice things for you. Rely on anyone who is willing, dont be afraid to take help when offered even if you wouldn't normally.
{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}} for you, your DH and dear Elijah xxx

HUNKERMUNKER Sun 13-Mar-05 23:06:53

Dearest Bubble, I cannot comprehend what you are feeling, I can only offer huge hugs and hope that it gets less raw.

I often think of you all - I hope that you take comfort in knowing that there are people who you've never met who care and wish things a tiny bit easier for you.

Much love to you all, HM xxxxxx

nikcola Sun 13-Mar-05 23:08:29

{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}] hugs for you bubble

huggybear Sun 13-Mar-05 23:09:09

I am so sorry for the loss of Bo.

I dont thibk that anything i want to say would help but i wanted you to know that i am thinking of you and said a prayer for you all in church today

love sarah

MunchedTooManyMarsLady Sun 13-Mar-05 23:31:18

hey bubble. Sending you kisses and prayers and lots of love.

80sMum Sun 13-Mar-05 23:36:48

Oh bubble, I know just how you feel. Sometimes the pain will be almost more than you can bear and it can feel as though you will never be happy again. What you're feeling now is the worst kind of sadness; the terrible grief of a mother who has lost a beloved child. Trust me, it will get easier, the pain will become more manageable with time. You'll never ever stop thinking about your lost child, and you will never 'get over' the loss but you will gradually begin to come to terms with what's happened and your life will move on - and there will be happier times ahead for you.
I just wish I could say or do something that would ease your pain right now. Consider yourself well and truly {hugged}.

GRMUM Mon 14-Mar-05 06:36:33

I'm very sorry you have to go through this bubbles. It just isn't fair and not what you were expecting. Time will help eventually, but it is very early days yet. It sounds to me like maybe you are expecting too much of yourself at the moment.You and your family are frequently in my thoughts.

Marina Mon 14-Mar-05 14:27:12

Bubble...time does help you deal with the death of a baby. I know, I didn't believe it either when I was told to give it a year and a day, but it is true. On bad days (bad moments now usually, two and a half years down the line) I still find myself misting up if someone makes a cheery remark about "one of each" (we had a ds2 who was prematurely stillborn, then a year later a wonderful dd), and even when strangers ask how many children I have.
I remember the first time I laughed again after Tom's death and wondering how on earth that happened. It took four months. Taking it day by day, reviewing each day and giving myself a little ovation every time I accomplished something without giving up or collapsing, helped me through those weeks.
I have a copy of When a baby dies, the SANDS book compiled by Nancy Kohner. It is one of the few UK-written books on this topic and I found it very helpful to read, vent and sometimes weep over. If you would like it, rather than have to buy your own copy, please CAT me. Sending you much love.

4kids Mon 14-Mar-05 18:32:29

Bubble & family time is a great healer my dd1 Chardonnay passed away nearly 12yrs when she was 10 days old my story is also sad (but i won't go into it). For the 1st year or so i was numb i also had a son by then which i found a comfort then i went through a bad stage of anger & what ifs i now have 4 kids who know all about there big sister .sometimes i wake up & think it was all a dream but its not i still have bad days more good than bad but the pain never completley goes away. Have you thought about making a book ? when Chardonnay died the hospital took photos gave me a lock of hair even gave me a set of hand & foot prints with these things i made a book dedicated to my daughter its a big photo album with birth,death certificates scan picture photos ,congratulation cards ,bereavment cards , the cards frm the flowers frm the funeral every thing i had to do with Chardonnay is in this book the funeral directors even made me a duplcate plaque which was on her coffin this plaque is on the front of the book which i keep in a glass cabinet with the moss teddy i baught for the funeral(teddy is dried out & wrapped in clear celophane) this cabinet takes pride of place in my sitting room doing this helped me alot it keeps her real if that makes sense its also good for the kids as they have something to remember there big sister by .I used to look at the book all the time but as the years have passed i dont have to look at it so much as i know its always there .Maybe you & your family could think of doing something similar to remember little Bo it might help your grieving process .Ihope you have a good day soon hugs to you & your family xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

bubble99 Tue 15-Mar-05 10:32:52

Thank you all so much.

Your thoughts, prayers and good vibes mean so much. I am coming to the stage where some counselling in RL may be possible and I've been in touch with SANDS. Up until now I've just felt frozen with shock. Thankyou for the offer of the book marina, my health visitor has promised me a copy when I see her next week. I'm lucky to have an enlightened HV who was a neonatal nurse before she became a HV. I gave her my copies of parenting twins books and also an EZ2nurse pillow (inflatable jobby, designed for BF twins) with the understanding that they would benefit someone in need. She's getting/bringing me some appropriate books in return.
Took the big boys to school this morning and left Elijah asleep with DH. It's getting easier as everyone knows what happened and I'm not having to explain all the time. Went to buy a newspaper on the way home and the man in the shop asked where the twins were. Fell apart in the shop. I s'pose this is how it will be, but oddly enough having to confront it in this way does seem to make it easier the next time I'm asked.

Love and thanks to you all

bubble XX

Marina Tue 15-Mar-05 11:01:56

You're absolutely right, Bubble, about there being some odd "benefit" to each difficult encounter. I went from crying whenever anyone said Hello, to crying whenever Tom was mentioned, to being able to talk about him with just a wobble, to being able to talk about him with love and sadness but no wobble. I think one just has to go through X number of public meltdowns first, hideous though it is.
Good to hear you will be getting the Kohner book and others too.
We were only able to dispose of Tom's "new" pushchair recently, but I was finally able to feel really happy that someone would use it and love it (giant sturdy retro Emmaljunga pram, my one and only foray into ebay). Someone will be so glad of your generous hand-on.
You are all thought of often and with love on here, and the SANDS people will be of great help to you too. Erica was my lifeline and my local branch SELSANDS were just brilliant. My newsletter came yesterday and I checked to see if there was anything on surviving twins for you - there sometimes is. Not on this occasion, however.

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