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8 months on and suddenly I'm not coping

(27 Posts)
Cupofteaplease Thu 30-Oct-08 10:49:51

My dad died suddenly in March of a heart attack. He was my best friend and insporation all rolled into one. I never got to say goodbye to him.

At the time, I coped really well. I didn't even cry at his funeral and read a poem, because my mum wanted my brother and I to put on a strong front for his family and work colleagues etc, I'm not sure why.

Anyway, I took myself off anti depresents (for PND) in May, against my doctor's advice, because I wanted to apply for a place to study for a PGCE (teacher training),and was worried it would look bad on my medical report if I was on drugs for a mental illness. Anyway, I have really thrown myself into my course, knowing my dad would have been proud of me.

All of a sudden, I've found myself thinking about my dad on a daily basis. I catch myself crying all the time when I'm on my own ie. in the bath, when watching TV upstairs, reading poetry or emotive newspaper articles, and I wait for my dh to go to sleep so I can cry myself to sleep most nights- not because I want to, but becasue I feel I need to?

I don't understand my feelings at all. He's long gone, I should be over it now, not grieving all of a sudden.

Am I going mad? Is it caused by coming off the ADs, I really don't want to take them again.

Nobody speaks about dad anymore, it's as if he didn't exist. So why am I thinking about him every waking moment. I'm crying again now. When does it stop hurting? I can't talk to anyone about it, because they all did their crying when he died.

kd73 Thu 30-Oct-08 11:07:31

I am sorry to hear of your loss, perhaps its because some time has passed and life seems to be returning to some normality that everythings getting on top of you. Everyone takes bereavement differently and six months, in my opinion, is not a long time at all.

Speak to your dh about how you feel, he should support you. Also consider returning to your GP or counselling for the short term, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate and it also sounds like you need to be less harsh on yourself.

Good luck

Onlyjoking Thu 30-Oct-08 11:22:13

8 months is not that long really, the first few weeks/ months are taken up with feeling numb and all the paperwork and sorting things out, at the begining there are lots of people around you, they see you and satisfy themselves that you are ok, cos on the outside that seems true, life carries on and thing go back to normal, for everyone else at least. Over time you do start to realize the loss more and you notice more things that are gone from your life.
I don't think it's unusual to cry most days, I have days where all I can do is cry, but now I do have days where there are no tears.
I think you need to talk to your DH about how you really feel and give him the chance to support you.
Can you spend time with your mum and your brother they are probably feeling the same.

christiana Thu 30-Oct-08 11:34:11

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christiana Thu 30-Oct-08 11:34:58

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buzzzybee Thu 30-Oct-08 14:49:15

Bless u hunni x its near 1 yr since my mum passed away,maybe the ones u think have 4got n moved on are doing exactly the same as u? i stil have times where i cry for hours on my own. Im on tablets at the moment. they help alot. i have 2 lttle 1s and 1 on the way so it's more for them i'm taking them.
Go to ur dr to let them know how u are hun x

whispywhisp Thu 30-Oct-08 18:59:45

cupoftea...Sorry to hear you've lost your Dad too. To be honest 8mths really isn't that long. You will go through some real dips and troughs for a long time yet. You must not feel bad for thinking about him every day.

I lost my Dad almost 3yrs ago. He also died of a heart attack. I saw him the day before he died. I never thought, in a million years, that'd be the last time I'd see him. Had I known I would have spent the rest of the day/evening/night with him.

The first year was the hardest, without a doubt. We had to go through all the firsts...birthdays, Fathers Day, Christmas etc. I also found people didn't talk about him anymore which is why I thought about him so much. It was as if 'it had happened' and that was it. Part of history, put to bed.

Yes your Dad 'did' exist but as far as I'm concerned my Dad will always be with me. I know he's watching and listening and hopefully smiling. I miss my Dad more than anyone would ever realise. Even DH doesn't really grasp how much I miss him. I also had many nights of crying myself to sleep, especially through those early months. I tried not to cry in front of other people but sometimes it was just too hard to keep the tears back. My mates don't talk about my Dad to me anymore. TBH I think they just see me as 'me' and think I'm ok so don't think this huge void in my life is bothering me, when it is, deep down.

Don't be so hard on yourself re the grieving part of this. OK so he died a few months ago but people can grieve for a long long time. It can take a few weeks to get over losing someone but it can also take years. Look at me - 3yrs later and I still cry. I look at my Mum and see this very independent woman who has simply picked herself up and carried on with her life. Good for her but that doesn't apply to everyone. We all deal with grief in different ways.

I also found that because a lot of my friends and even DH have still got their parents they had no idea what I'd gone through. I had Dad in my life for almost 40yrs. I was also very close to him - he was my best mate. There was the odd one or two mates who had lost a parent and it was those who were of great help and support and really did understand how I was feeling.

Coming on here (MN) will help you because there are loads of us who have lost a parent, partner or child....it helps to talk and share your feelings. We all try to help each other and I'm sure we'll all try to help you through this very difficult and sad time.xxxxxx

whispywhisp Fri 31-Oct-08 08:30:29

cupoftea....Something else I thought of is I first came on to MN just after my Dad died, 9 months after to be exact, because I was like you...I couldn't cope and I too felt like after 9 months I should be coping so perhaps its a time thing...?

Here's a thread that's been running for some time - its all with posts from other MNrs who have also lost their Dads...open for anyone to post on..thought you may like to read through the posts and join it? It's got some lovely MNrs on it all going through the same experience as you. Hope it helps. xxx

here

whispywhisp Fri 31-Oct-08 09:29:11

try again

whispywhisp Fri 31-Oct-08 09:30:19

Doesn't seem to want to link for some reason....look under the bereavement topic and look for the heading...'I can't bear the thought of Dad not seeing DS grow up' xx

filz Fri 31-Oct-08 09:31:39

have you had any counselling? ir have you been to a local cruse group?

its all well and good using Ads but they are not a permenant solution. Most people who are bereaved need to take to someone. Its not something that goes overnight, if ever.

My sister died 6 years ago and tbh it didnt really hit me until 18 moinths after as we all deal with things differently. 8 months is no time at all x

wilbur Fri 31-Oct-08 09:39:58

Ditto what the other posters have said, cupoftea, and so sorry for your loss. 8 months really is no time at all and it's very understandable you feeling this way - you are certainly NOT going mad (because if you are, I am mad as a barrel of squirrels). It's a shame none of your family will talk about your dad - perhaps they are all afraid of upsetting each other, and maybe if you talked a little about him, started the ball rolling, you might get some comfort that they are thinking of him too.

There's a terrfic quote in C S Lewis' book about losing his wife, where he talks about the cyclical nature of grief - he compares bereavement to a path and you think you are walking forward when one day you look down and see with horror a path you trod months before. I found that very accurate - I still have phases of thinking a great deal about my parents, or difficult days, but they are fewer and further between now, and I know that it is all just part of the process and doesn't mean I am mired in sadness forever.

whispywhisp Fri 31-Oct-08 12:20:05

Completely agree with wilbur re talking to your family about the loss of someone so dear. I find that sometimes I talk to my sister about our Dad's death and other times we don't mention him at all. All depends on how we are both feeling at the time...cos sometimes one is up and the other down, iykwim. BUT!...if she wants to talk about him I listen and vice versa. By not talking about him never means we don't think about him its just that sometimes we both find it hard without getting upset and perhaps, even 3yrs on, we're slightly embarrassed about showing our feelings to each other, I don't know.

What I have learnt is if you need to have a good cry...have it. Don't hold it in because it doesn't help you at all. I have had ADs mentioned to me many times...and had it suggested that I go on them but I've fought it all the way. ADs are not the answer. Talking is. xxx

catweazle Fri 31-Oct-08 18:57:30

I've been where you are 8 months is nothing, no time at all. Please don't be so hard on yourself. My dad died suddenly 12 years ago. Like you I remained dry-eyed at the funeral and afterwards.

Then I got stress-induced RSI and had to take months off work sick.

I found myself crying over the weirdest things. I'd be driving and a song would come on the radio and I'd have to pull over because I was overcome with grief.

I started feeling better on the 7th anniversary of his death. But even now when I look back over my life it is divided very much into "before dad died" and "after dad died". I put everything on hold for a good year after.

catweazle Fri 31-Oct-08 18:59:21

I meant to say there seems to still be this idea that you "get over it" after 6 months or so. You don't. I found a really good book to read was Virginia Ironside's "You'll get over it.. the Rage of Bereavement".

whispywhisp Fri 31-Oct-08 20:37:48

catweazle...that's so true what you've written...'before' and 'after'. I'm often recounting something that'll be prefixed with 'before Dad died' or something afterwards. Just goes to show what a major thing it was in my life to lose him I guess.

When I think that its almost 3yrs since Dad died...I try to remember what I've done with my life for the last 3yrs...not a lot apart from I've existed and that's about it. I've continued to try and be a good Mum, wife and daughter and that's it. I've hated every Christmas, not gone on holiday, and dreaded my birthday and his. This year I am determined to make more of Christmas - my 4th without Dad and we've booked ourselves a holiday, our first for 4yrs, in the Spring. I'm trying to make an effort, even after all this time.

catweazle Fri 31-Oct-08 21:06:23

whispy smile

Cupofteaplease Sat 01-Nov-08 12:18:49

Thanks for all the lovely support. WW-I've taken a look at that thread and it relates to my situation so closely- dad adored dd1 as if she was his own. I was a single parent when she was born and he came to stay with me for a week when I came out of hospital, and he fussed over her like a mother hen! We teased him about it right up until he died! Also, when mum rang him from the hospital to tell him I had to have an em CS, he cried- soppy sod!

People used to tell me how proud he was of me- when I was born I cried (obviously) and dad thought it was because I was afraid of his beard so he went home and shaved it off, and never grew it back grin

After he died, my mum said to me that after me, dd1 was the most important thing in his life sad. This was all the more poignant because I was one of his 5 children (mum had 3 children before she married him), and dd1 was just one of 10 grandchildren. Everybody used to make snidey comments to me about how dd1 was his favourite gc, because she was his first bio gc. Oh well, they have nothing to be jealous of now because he is dead and my mum is too busy to see dds anymore, and dh's parents never bother to see them. If dad was alive, we would make the effort to see each other at least once a fortnight. I've not seen any family in over 6 weeks now...

Sorry, I've gone on a bit haven't I?!

catweazle- what you have said about life being split into two chapters, that is definitely how I feel right now. There is a real sense of 'before dad died' and now this rather empty period of 'after dad died'.

Our first wedding anniversary is coming up in a fortnight, and I am feeling so bitter sweet about it. To think that this time last year dad was here and he walked me down the aisle and made the most beautiul speech as father of the bride- and now it's all gone. I doubt I'll ever feel that 'complete' again. I miss him so much.

whispywhisp Sat 01-Nov-08 12:33:23

cupoftea...I could cry for you right now! We are in such similar situations..you and I.

The day my Dad died his neighbours told me that he'd said to them just a few days prior how much he thought of me and DH. I'm also one of 3 kids and I was shocked that he'd complimented us as much as he did. He'd often refer to my DH as his son, yet he had his own son (my brother) but DH did far more for Dad than my brother ever did. Also just a few weeks before Dad died he used to refer to my DDs as his 'special girls'...again something very new but I guess it got me wondering if something was troubling him. My sister has a son, who is older than my kids, yet he never had that relationship with his Grandson as much as he had with his Grand-daughters.

I too have the same situation with DH's parents - they're not interested. They've not seen us or the kids for over 3yrs. Their choice. But its a shame because my Dad took such a huge interest in me, DH and the kids...if any of us were poorly it'd be him that would ring to see how we were. If there was a good programme coming up on tv he'd ring to tell us. If we were going on holiday it'd be him that would pop over with spending money for the kids. If he'd had a box of fruit given to him (he did a lot of favours for people) he'd pop over and leave it on our doorstep. He was such an incredibly kind man. I, too, miss him enormously. I don't have that level of care, love and consideration from anyone else in my life. My Mum has her own life now. Her and Dad led very separate lives but she doesn't have that same interest in us and the kids which is such a shame. If I didn't ring her she won't ring me yet my Dad wouldn't let a week go by without ringing us. You could guarantee we'd have a laugh on the phone. He made me laugh so much. I miss his humour. No one else makes me laugh as much as he did.

I'm so glad though, cupoftea, that your Dad took you down the aisle last year...he must've been so proud of you, as you were of him. My Dad used to tell everyone that he paid all our partners to take his kids of his hands! But I know how happy he was that we were all settled, happily married and content with life.

I'm beginning to blub now....! I've got the anniversary of his death coming up in a couple of weeks. Not a good time of year for me but one that I've got through before and I'll get through it again. Then I have his birthday (80th) too right before Xmas. All a tough time of year for me but one I just bumble on through. That's all I can do...is bumble. smile

cupoftea...you are so not alone in all this. Keep posting. There is always loads of people around on MN. I'll make sure I'm here for you. I know I waffle - that's just me I'm afraid! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Cupofteaplease Sat 01-Nov-08 13:14:21

WW you say '..my Dad took such a huge interest in me, DH and the kids...if any of us were poorly it'd be him that would ring to see how we were. If there was a good programme coming up on tv he'd ring to tell us...You could guarantee we'd have a laugh on the phone. He made me laugh so much. I miss his humour. No one else makes me laugh as much as he did.' You could be describing my dad! We often texted each other to say, 'turn on the radio, you'll love this one etc'

We had the exact same sense of humour, very dry and I don't share that with anyone else.

My mum is known to say a few 'odd' things, and often when she did this, my dad and I would catch each other's eye and without having to say a word we would break into true belly-laughs! Mum would act mock-offended, but she knew we were just having one of 'our moments'. After he died, a number of people lamented us not regaling them with our hysterics over irrelevant things, that nobody else understood!

I have added a picture to my profile page of him about to walk me down the aisle. He was really very proud that day, and I was so proud to be on his arm. Feel free to take a look smile

whispywhisp Sat 01-Nov-08 13:42:00

cupoftea...blimey girl, you are really getting to my heart today.....to see those photos on your profile is just absolutely amazing and what beautiful pictures they are too. The way your Dad is looking up says it all....'this is my lovely daughter and I am so proud of her'. I'm crying right now because I know how hurt and upset you must feel. I can tell from your posts how much that man in your life meant to you and now he's gone. The void in your life is huge, isn't it? I wish I lived near you cos I'd come give you one enormous reassuring hug. sad

My Dad gave me away almost 15yrs ago. I have a lovely photo of the two of us just before we went into the Reg Office. He looks happy but also relieved that he was finally getting rid of me! He too was extremely nervous, especially with his speech at the reception but he did a brilliant job and I was as proud of him as he probably was of me.

I try my hardest not to get upset about not having my Dad in my life anymore. I know if he saw me upset he'd tell me 'oh well, never mind, you just be a good Mum to those special girls of yours and a good Wife to that lovely boy of yours'. I try to be happy. I try to think of all the funny memories I have. All the times he made me laugh. But, sometimes, its really hard to remember the good times because my head is so full of the day we lost him and it sort of clouds over the good times. Amazing considering I had almost 40yrs with him and that one awful tragic day can overshadow all those years prior.

Keep in touch cupoftea...email me if you want...phek32@hotmail.com

I'm always around...and can I just also add you have the most gorgeous children. Plus!...we also have a JRT called Millie. Weird! Hugs being sent your way...xxxxxx

wilbur Sat 01-Nov-08 18:10:02

That's a truly lovely picture, cupoftea, your Dad looks so proud and you look beautiful. While thing are raw , it's hard to remember how lucky it is to have a loving and supportive father - it is dreadful to lose them, but I thank my stars every day that I had my Dad's love and support for 35 years, I can see his influence in the choices I make, the way I deal with people, and my basic self-worth. That's not to say I never have times when I feel like nothing, but I always pick myself up eventually, and I think this is down to him. One day, you will be able to remember the good things and good times, without being swamped by the sadness of losing them, I promise you will. Take care.

Whispywhisp, hope your Dad's anniversary passes peacefully.

whispywhisp Mon 03-Nov-08 10:51:36

cupoftea...how are you? x

Cupofteaplease Sun 09-Nov-08 19:44:54

Had a good week this week, felt really positive.

Today was my nephew's Christening. We gathered all the children together to take a picture and someone mentioned how lovely it was as we are not often all here. Somebody else agreed and there were mutterings of 'yes, look at that, we're all here today', and I felt like crying. Everyone was there but Dad. And I felt like someone had punched me, because the pain was so strong. I really miss him sad

ShazG Sun 09-Nov-08 22:29:44

Hi,

I lost my mum and dad 10 years ago in a road accident. I was 24 at the time. In some ways it's been hard to grieve for them separately because they died at the same time. Reading this thread has made me think about just him. Unfortunately he died before I got married and had kids but I know that he would be the proudest grandfather ever.

I think, in time, your family will start to talk about him again, it's just too raw at the moment. What you are going through, the crying etc, sounds completely normal and healthy to me. I have always struggled to cry for those that I have lost and wish that I could let it all out.

I am so sorry for your loss. I had a look at your photo's and your dad just couldn't look prouder on your wedding day, could he! xx

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