My DD asked about Nanny today. Out of the blue. Hit me like a brick.

(14 Posts)
PavlovtheWitchesCat Mon 27-Oct-08 20:09:38

My my mum died last year (well, almost 2 years ago), when DD was 6 months old. I have coped with her being gone pretty well. I think I have anyway.

I have a picture of her and DD up on the mantlepiece, when DD was 2 weeks old and mum cancelled a chemo session so she could come up and see me and DD. She was originally going to be at the birth but was too ill. From time to time I show DD the photo, and tell her it is Nana. She has no idea who 'nana' is, just knows its someone in a photo.

This evening, DD and I were laying in our bed for quiet time before she went to bed. She was face to face with me and said quite out of the blue 'where's Nanny?' and I asked 'where is Nanny? She is in heaven baby girl'. She said 'you are nanny'. I said, I am mummy, nanny is far away' 'and she said 'nanny in heaven, mummy go to heaven too?' I told her I was going to stay here with her and she said to me 'nanny is here too, you are mummy nanny' and then a bit later she said to me 'i like nana' about 5 times.

I know she is only a baby and has no idea what she was actually saying. I wondered if some-one at nursery was picked up by their nanny and it got the word in her brain. I know there was nothing deep and meaningful in it (well I don't really, but I am not trying to interpret it as anything other than DD being sweet)

But it was sooo heartfelt, and so, well so all the things I often wonder - is mum here, is she able to see us, can she see DD? I wish DD would have known her. All those things that almost seemed answered by a little innocent girl.

I felt like my heart was going to break sad. And now I feel struck with grief. For all that I, and DD has lost sad.

OP’s posts: |
PottyCock Mon 27-Oct-08 20:11:25

Aw Pavlov, so sad for you. sad

PottyCock Mon 27-Oct-08 20:12:12

Sometimes I think little ones do know more than you realise. She obviously knows she is very loved.

Lilyloo Mon 27-Oct-08 20:15:00

Pavlov have had some moments like this with my dc's. I was pg with ds when my mum died so my 3 dc's have never met her but like you i have pics and they know she was my mum and there nanna.
I often feel she is here and some of the things the dc's have said make me wonder i find it quite comforting whilst sad.

PavlovtheWitchesCat Mon 27-Oct-08 20:15:46

Potty - thank you. I think, sometimes things can be over-analysed and I have to stop it really. I been sitting here thinking, why did she say nanny? Why not nana? We called her nana, but nana referred to herself as nanny...? Why did she call me Nanny? Why did she ask if I was going to heaven?

I know it is no insight, I know that, I guess, there is just part of me that almost looks for some kind of sign that she did not really leave.

DD is very loved. I also told her Nana loved her, and that she would always love her from heaven.

OP’s posts: |
skidoodle Mon 27-Oct-08 20:17:23

how sad and yet so sweet that your daughter is asking about your Mum. Of course she's only a baby, but 2 year olds are smart.

Your little girl sounds so lovely.

PavlovtheWitchesCat Mon 27-Oct-08 20:18:15

Lilyloo - I am sorry to hear your mum died before your DCs were born sad. I feel very honoured that DD got to meet her Nana before she died.

OP’s posts: |
geekgirl Mon 27-Oct-08 20:18:23

oh pavlov

Lilyloo Mon 27-Oct-08 20:25:26

No harm in it if it brings you some comfort and none of us really know do we.
It's lovely that she talks about her i find my dc do ask a lot about death and heaven etc using my mum. I think they probably know more about it than other lo's but i have tried to be honest.
I just say the doctors can't make everyone better.
Interestingly it's probably dd1 who asks the most , she is 3.

mumonthenet Mon 27-Oct-08 20:25:31

pavlov, how strange and sad and wonderful.

PavlovtheWitchesCat Mon 27-Oct-08 20:30:45

Lilyloo - I am pleased she asked. I was just gobsmacked. She is only 2.4 (almost) and I did not ever think she would even know the similarity between a photo of a woman we call Nana and a Baby we call 'little pavlov' and a real person who might have actually existed, and that she might wonder about...I was amazed, and stunned and it just made me realise all over again all those emotions of grief which I thought I had locked away.

I agree we do not know for sure what happens when some-one passes. I know what I would like to believe.

Its funny that your your DD asks, who is 3. Is she the youngest?

OP’s posts: |
Lilyloo Mon 27-Oct-08 20:59:34

No but dd2 too small she only 9mth.
Ds is 6 now but he seems to have more of an idea about the finality of death etc but i have had some lovely convo's with dd where she has said she would help her nanna do the 'shopping' this was my mum fave past time and she could hoover the bedrooms for her , my mum was obsessive and hoovered 3 times a day sometimes more. Now you could read this anyway but i choose to take comfort from it.
They now say they have 3 nannas as my nan is still alive so they see her as nan too.
I think it's very important to keep their memory alive.
Also have had the convo about what will happen to me which is easier with dd1 than ds as he obv has more of an understanding and cancer is a hard illness to explain.
Take comfort from it in any way you see fit and when the shock subsides next time will be easier.
Sorry about your mum it's tough without one esp with the dc's.

PavlovtheWitchesCat Mon 27-Oct-08 21:23:30

Lilyloo - thank you for your post. I think I was just very unprepared for such a young little girl to say something so shockingly close to what I often think (do I look like her? for example) that it struck me down!

Mind you, DD makes me cry when she sings twinkle twinkle little star, so this is definitely likely to make me cry...

You are right about cancer being hard to explain. I am not sure I know how to explain mum's illness to adults let alone children.

OP’s posts: |
Lilyloo Mon 27-Oct-08 21:40:25

I still say a very bad poorly to dd , have tried to explain in more detail to ds it's tough though as poorly is poorly in a lo's eyes!
I actually saw a fab post on here last year of using a sock to demonstrate a body leaving a soul behind and have done that with dc's.

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