My mum died two weeks ago and I'm finding it difficult to cope with baby

(8 Posts)
LaTrucha Thu 23-Oct-08 16:22:53

my mum died unexpectedly two weeks ago. She'd had a very long illness and we expected her to die but not so soon or so suddenly.

I've spent the last two weeks cleaning out her house and things, arranging the funeral, which was two days ago. It's been busy but good to be busy.

I'm now home - a long way away - for the first time and I'm finding it really difficult. Today is the first day at home alone with baby.

She's always been a bad sleeper and is atrocious when we're away so I haven't had more than two hours sleep at a stretch in the last two weeks (DH couldn't be there to help). She's usually a good napper, but I've struggled today to get her to go down for more than 20 minutes. I've just got really cross with her and left her upstairs in her cot crying. I usually never do anything like this.

I just feel I need some time to myself. Not for anything in particular but I do. Mum was an alcoholic and I loved her dearly, although obviously things were often difficult and usually strained int he last feew years. I need some space to deal with it. I know DD (9.5 months) probably just picking up on my stress and she can't help it poor thing.

I've got no question really, just tips maybe. I know there's no way to making it not hard, but I don't want to carry on getting cross with DD. In many ways it is a blessing to have her at this time.

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SalVolatile Thu 23-Oct-08 18:32:17

I'm sorry to hear this, Latrucha. My guess is that - as alaways - you need to give yourself time to unwind, and then dd will relax as well. Can anyone come in and give you a couple of hours to yourself? Failing that, do you have a mate with a baby who could watch both while you sleep? After that, how about having a bath in the middle of the day with dd - that can be fun and relaxing at the same time. If she is having trouble sleeping at the moment it may be because her sleep pattern has become realy unsettled just at the same time as she is experiencing a grwoth spurt, so, more food? More exercise ie time on a playmat? Babyswim classes? Maybe someone else will be along in a min with better advice, but <<hugs>> anyway.

chubbasmum Thu 23-Oct-08 23:51:10

Hi LaTrucha im sorry for your loss i know how you feel i too lost a mum and a dad trust me everyone feels it including the little ones as Salvo has suggested get help from friends with regards to babysitting and have some me time trust me you will learn to live with the pain because it doesnt go away goodluck

ChukkyPig Thu 23-Oct-08 23:57:42

Hi Latrucha

I'm sorry for your loss. Leaving DD in her cot at this age for a bit, if you need a break, won't do any harm. It's not like it's hours.

When is DH home?

Remember getting out once a day is essential, IMO, even if it's just putting DD in pushchair to walk up the road. Takes the pressure off, gives you both a change of scene, and she might go to sleep x

katyamum Fri 24-Oct-08 00:09:06

Hello Latrucha
I'm so sorry for your loss. I think it must throw up a lot of mixed emotions, losing a mum and having to be a mum. But your dd will be fine, and leaving her to cry may turn out to be a blessing in disguise, as she might sleep a bit better if you don't always rush to her when she cries. I have 3 children, and 2 are bad sleepers and being sleep deprived is torture and you can;t think straight. And that's when life is normal. So it is going to be even worse for you right now. Practical advice: get early nights yourself (don't get on Mumsnet after 10pm ,it's fatal)- at least you can catch up on a bit of sleep if you promise yourself lights out by 10.30pm, take dd for a walk in her pushchair until she is asleep then get some rest yourself - get as much help as you can from a friend - that's what friends are for. I would do it for any of my friends. Make life simple - forget about being a supermum, just make everything easy. Fish fingers - pasta - it won't do her any harm. At the end of the day, she is a little barometer. She picks up on your stress, she gets stressed. Swimming sounds like a good plan. And share your grief and bereavement with others who can help. Good luck with it all. x

UmSami Fri 24-Oct-08 00:11:07

Hi Latrucha, I'm so sorry for your loss...I lost my mum, very suddenly, nearly 15 years ago but still struggled without her when ds was born 2.7 years ago.
My situations different, so I can't fully understand...but I just wanted to offer support, and ask you not to beat yourself up too much for leaving your dd to cry for a wee bit, you do undoubtedly need some time out, and if you have no choice but to spend 5 mins away from bubs then you have to do it...
Maybe this weekend your dh could take dd out and give you some time to sleep and grieve...maybe he could do a long stint in the evenings too, after work...he takes dd while you have a long shower, go for a walk, sleep, whatever helps...
I did suffer a close bereavment when ds was 5 months old, and i know sounds kinda hippy, but someone suggested that I say to him (when sad/distracted/amgry) that mummy is upset right now because i miss x, but his smiles/cuddles make me feel better and happy...sounds stupid, but the reassurance seemed to settle him, and knowing that I was telling him that he is a good thing and a happy thing helped me...
I'll be thinking of you, hope you find things easier soon.

janx Fri 24-Oct-08 09:23:19

My dad died two months ago and I have a v poor sleeper. My ds is 10 months and I was up every two hours with him every night. Luckily my 4 year old sleep very well. My dad died in Ireland and I spent a week of complete hell while he was intensive care. You will get through it and you will be alright. It is hard to grieve when you have not time to yourself. As everyone said call in all the help you can get and rest, rest, rest. I booked myself a facial and it was wonderful. Go out whatever the weather - just wrap up and get some fresh air. I went to the health visitor and had a good all weep and that helped too.

LaTrucha Sat 25-Oct-08 12:09:47

Sorry I haven't responded. Vomiting bug has descended on our house. Thanks for your replies and advice. LaT

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