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Highly Emotive subject but I would appreciate the views of others

(236 Posts)
Tiamummy Thu 16-Oct-08 15:33:52

We are at stalemate on the subject of wakes. So i would appreciate the views of others on this. It's taken all day for me to pluck up the courage to asksad

shootfromthehip Thu 16-Oct-08 15:35:51

Tough one- my Mum wanted one for my Dad and I thought it was creepy. It depends how traditional you want it to be?

Tiamummy Thu 16-Oct-08 16:05:36

Can i ask what you thought was creepy about it. Sorry if i'm being intrusive, i'm trying to get my head around both sides of the subject.

expatinscotland Thu 16-Oct-08 16:06:23

My parents don't want one. They just want their memorial service before they're buried.

Twiglett Thu 16-Oct-08 16:10:49

what do you consider a wake to be?

there is often a food-orientated event in many religions where family and friends can gather and tell stories about the deceased or memories... it is a comforting thing ...alcohol and food are generally included

but you can have a 'wake' that isn't religious

it is really a personal decision of the bereaved.

I'm sorry I don't know your story nor who are the 'stalematers'

colacubes Thu 16-Oct-08 16:12:27

I think wakes are an integral part of grief, but saying that I come from a big Irish Catholic family!

All the wakes I have attended have never been creepy, I have enjoyed passing on stories and hearing tales about the person we have lost, and I think also that at a time when all seems so lost and dark, remembering the life of someone should be honored. It doesn't have to be doom and gloom, some of the best parties I have been to have been thrown by my passed friends and family.

Spidermama Thu 16-Oct-08 16:12:42

I really like the idea. I think it's so healthy to really get a chance to be with the body which is no longer inhabited.

When DHs Nan died the family were so at ease with her body in the middle of the room. They came for a chat now and again, but it really, really helped the transition and the grieving.

Sorry for your loss by the way. sad

colacubes Thu 16-Oct-08 16:13:03

Sorry I meant past, not passed! lol

WayneAteASlob Thu 16-Oct-08 16:13:34

Is this something you want to do for Tia? In my experience wakes have been a celebration of life, and although 'wakes' are traditionally Irish, I really don't see that it's any different from having a reception or whatever after the funeral.

Spidermama Thu 16-Oct-08 16:14:08

Yes my DHs family are Catholics too and whilst I don't relate to all of the religeon, I feel this is one part they do really well.

policywonk Thu 16-Oct-08 16:14:12

I suppose one way to decide is to try to work out whether it would make you feel a tiny bit better to have a sandwich/drink/cry with friends and members of the extended family after the funeral, or whether you think it would make you feel worse.

You can always get someone else to organise it, so that it's not something you have to worry about.

policywonk Thu 16-Oct-08 16:15:18

Oh, does a wake always mean that the body of the deceased is there?

I thought we had a wake for my mother, but this was after the funeral.

Tiamummy Thu 16-Oct-08 16:18:00

I want the chance to have her here for the day before, my husband is of the opinion this is not a good idea and she should remain at the fd. I wanted to have the chance to speak rationally to him about it except that didn't happen, and now we're at stalemate.

policywonk Thu 16-Oct-08 16:21:53

Oh, I see. How sad your story is.

I'm sure your instinct to want to spend time with her at home it utterly understandable, but of course so it your husband's position.

Could you contact Cruse bereavement counselling and see whether they could get someone to talk it through with you and your husband? Maybe you need a neutral presence in the room to enable you to talk about it?

Spidermama Thu 16-Oct-08 16:22:32

Sorry to hear that. I think you're right. You don't say who's side of the family she is on though and I guess the final decision must lie with them.

Tiamummy Thu 16-Oct-08 16:24:52

It's our daughter Spidermama

KerryMumchingOnEyeballs Thu 16-Oct-08 16:27:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

colacubes Thu 16-Oct-08 16:30:57

Tiamummy, I am so sorry you have lost your dd, I think there is no harm in having her with you for a little longer, you will have chance to share your love for her, try to explain how much this means to you, and ask him to please let you have these last moments with her.

My heart goes out to you, love to you and your family, and a special prayer for your daughter x

KerryMumchingOnEyeballs Thu 16-Oct-08 16:32:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

travellingwilbury Thu 16-Oct-08 16:34:11

Hi Tia mummy all I can say is what we decided to do , I also wanted Harry here with us the night before but in the end we decided against it as I knew I would just sit downstairs drinking and crying all night and be in an even worse state on the day than I already was .
We did however have him here for a couple of hours in the morning before the funeral , other than my mum and a couple of others nobody else came to the house to see him . I can completely understand that and it didn't bother me because I had him at home for us not others . It felt natural that he should leave from here for me but I know that a few people thought I was a bit odd (It helped me so I didn't care )

All these decisions at the moment feel so huge and I know the worry of not knowing if you will regret any decisions you make now .

What is your gut feeling about it ?

Tiamummy Thu 16-Oct-08 16:39:32

My gut feeling is if i don't have her here i'll not cope and the actual day won't feel real to me. I need that closure of knowing it is her. Do you understand what i mean. I know this isn't all about what i want though, which is what's making just this decision so very hard. By me not having her here, i'll forever feel guilty like i don't want her here, when i do.

twentynine Thu 16-Oct-08 16:43:12

Tiamummy - This is a highly emotive subject and I would never wish to upset anyone who had lost a child so this is my own personal opinion and may not be right for you or anyone else but perhaps your DH is trying to protect you by not wanting your DD's body in the house before the funeral?

It's not her anymore. When people in my family have died I've not wanted to have their bodies in the house because you just feel such regret at not being able to hold them anymore and tell them you love them and they are so close, but not there - do you understand what I mean?

Do what you feel is right, but please bear in mind your DH may feel as I do that it'll just make it harder and everyone deals with grief in their own way and has different needs.

Howlingbellyofbeelzebub Thu 16-Oct-08 16:44:04

I'm so sorry to hear about your little girl and I think that if your heart needs her there with you, it's something you should do. I think travellingwilbury's suggestion of bringing her home for a couple of hours might be a compromise? Sending you love and best wishes and I hope you are able to find agreement on this one as it's the last thing you need to be having to worry about at the moment.

travellingwilbury Thu 16-Oct-08 16:44:55

I take it your oh is really against the idea ?
Could you maybe do what we did and have her there in the morning for a few hours . I know that as much as I wanted him here the day before and over night , in reality I don't know if I could have actually coped with it . I don't want to say anything that might upset you more than you already are but it is such a shock and such an awful thing to have to see even for a little while that maybe the whole day and night before really might be too much for you .

I really feel for you and your oh , the rawness at the moment is just so awful

dittany Thu 16-Oct-08 16:45:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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