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3 years ago tonight MN was so supportive of me.....

(13 Posts)
BONKinthenightERZ Tue 14-Oct-08 20:31:39

It was 3 years ago my mum was in hospital and we were all at home waiting for the dreaded phone call to say she had passed away. Tomorrow it is 3 years since my mum died and im struggling tonight. I cant visit mums grave till saturday and feel crap about it. I have loads to do tomorrow but am not sure i can be the happy smiley person i need to be for my job in the morning. IM sat hre now wanting to cry but worried DH will think im stupid. Im trying to be pretend im ok for my sister but want to just sob till i fall asleep.
i miss my mum so much, we didnt have a good relationship but i miss her so much.

nickytwoooohtimes Tue 14-Oct-08 20:34:19

sad for you, BONK.
It was my Dad's 3rd anniversary this May and it was still very painful. Have a good cry Your DH will not think it stupid. It is normal and natural to feel this way. Crying helps me when I miss Dad - I have been known to sob and wal but boy, it makes me feel better afterwards.

umberella Tue 14-Oct-08 20:34:20

sad for you, anniversaries are so hard.

Joolyjoolyjoo Tue 14-Oct-08 20:38:19

Poor you- I know how you feel. I lost my mum 4 years ago, and anniversaries are difficult. I sometimes think the best thing you can do is actually wallow in it- sob, scream, play songs that remind you of her, look at photos and generally let yourself feel sad. She was your mum, you are entitled.

If you feel really bad, phone in sick to your work tomorrow- would they be sympathetic? I often feel bad for failing to get up to mum's grave at specific anniversaries, but I take comfort from the fact that mum herself wasn't a great grave-visiter, and that she will know I am thinking about her.

BONKinthenightERZ Tue 14-Oct-08 20:38:48

thankyou, this is the first year i havent been able to visit mums grave on her anniversary and i feel so guilty.

nickytwoooohtimes Tue 14-Oct-08 20:39:31

Yes, I agree with the wallowing. It is so cathartic.

BoysAreLikeZombies Tue 14-Oct-08 20:42:18

Oh bless you.

It's hard.

People expect you to have 'got over' it - but IME one doesn't. One merely learns how to live with loss.

Go ahead and cry.

And talk to DH, he may sense something is 'wrong' and be anxious about his wife.

Take care.

Joolyjoolyjoo Tue 14-Oct-08 20:43:59

I do know what you mean- I always mean to get to the grave on her anniversary, her birthday and my birthday, but I don't always make it, and even when I do, I often feel bad that I don't have better flowers etc...You can make yourself feel so guilty, but really it's just another place designated to your mum's memory- I'm sure you have lots of places that were special to you and your mum. You don't need to be at the grave to be thinking about your mum, although I know it sometimes feels like the right place to be.

BONKinthenightERZ Tue 14-Oct-08 20:53:26

probably a stupid thing to do but ive just been reading the thread from 3 years ago tonight. Dh noticed i am crying but is still sat the other side of the room not moving although i understand he probably does not know what to say or do.

Joolyjoolyjoo Tue 14-Oct-08 20:55:56

I'm sure he is panicking- women crying cause my DH to panic, especially me!

Go and ask him for a hug.

pamelat Tue 14-Oct-08 20:58:32

Go ahead and cry.

3 years isn't even very long sad

Your mum will know you are thinking of her (if you believe in that kind of stuff)


PS) On a lighter tone, I still cry about my cat who died 2 years ago. Anything can set me off about him.

onlyjoking9329 Wed 15-Oct-08 08:55:56

let yourself cry it is ok to cry, i am sure people will understand, your DH is probably worried about you.

throckenholt Wed 15-Oct-08 09:00:26

don't feel guilty about not visiting the grave - your mum won't hold it against you - honest. The grave is a symbol - not being their on a given day doesn't mean you have forgotten - which you obviously haven't.

Cry when you need to - it helps. And don't let anyone tell you you shouldn't - because grief is individual - there is no timetable and you deal with it in your own way.

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