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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

I know it's very late but i do need some advice please.

50 replies

Tiamummy · 11/10/2008 22:52

I'm not one for talking behind peoples back, let alone my husband, but we are at logger heads about my reasons for talking about our daughters death with people outside the family. He isn't at all comfortable about me coming here. I've tried to talk to him about it but it doesn't end well.How can i assure him that this is not something negative. I came here not for great sympathy but as somewhere to hopefully talk to other mums who have also lost a child. I'm sneaking on here when he's not around, and i want to be able to come here without feeling i'm betraying him. If anyone can help i would appreciate it.

OP posts:

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Rubyrubyruby · 11/10/2008 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hazygirl · 11/10/2008 22:58

tiamum its so hard isnt it my grandson died of cot death dec 2006,we talk about him all the time .my dds partners family dont like to it breaks my dd heart,mumsnet is the my lifesaverxx big hugs my love im so sorry xx

Bubble99 · 11/10/2008 23:04

Tell him it's easier to talk to people that don't 'know' you. You can walk away from a thread here on mnet and no one will be offended. In real life you have to deal with other people's feelings about the loss of Tia, as well as your own.

Tiamummy · 11/10/2008 23:05

I had considered getting him to read it, but only if he felt he wanted to. It's his reaction to it that worrys me. I'm finding sleeping almost impossible but he is snoring at the moment. I actually think he's scared of his own emotions which is why he's trying to contain everything. I can't contain my feelings and this is why we are at this point.

OP posts:

MOrticiaAdams · 11/10/2008 23:08

Give him time, love, its still very raw for him. I can understand why he feels like that, he has no idea about the power of Mumsnet. Everyone deals with grief in different ways and atm, its not right for him. I don't think there is an easy answer, but if you could gently persaud him to have a look and see that we only mean well. There are so many people on her with good advice and support and it would be a great shame if you couldn't share your feelings with us. This is what works for you. Don't push it though.

Much love to you and your DH.

PeaMcLean · 11/10/2008 23:08

God it's a nightmare isn't it. Have you seen the thread about 5 stages of bereavement? Very good. Sounds like your DH is still at denial. That's ok. We've all been there. You need to talk. He doesn't. It's not that you're more "advanced", you're just at different stages. And the stages come and go, back and forth.

How does he demonstrate that he's not comfortable with you talking here about it?

lilolilmanchester · 11/10/2008 23:10

Tiamummy, once again so sorry for what you are going through. People grieve in different ways and cope with grief in different ways (see hazygirl's post). I agree with ruby, show him your other thread plus this one. It would be good if your DH could understand why you are posting on here, but also you need to try to understand why he isn't happy with it... not easy trying to be tolerant of opposite points of view at such a difficult time, so no easy answer to give you. Keep posting if you can.

Bubble99 · 11/10/2008 23:11

It sounds as though he's trying to cope with Tia's death in a totally different way to you, and that's OK.

Can you tell him that, however he feels, posting on mnet helps you and that, although you don't expect him to get involved or read our posts, that you would like him to allow you to get through this in your own way?

PeaMcLean · 11/10/2008 23:12

here, if that helps

Tiamummy · 11/10/2008 23:16

We're both at very different stages so yes you're right i suppose. I'm needing to talk all the time as painful as it is, but he will change the subject or talk very little. It sometimes feels like he's denying her memory, which i rationally know he isn't.
When he saw i was on here, he told me to turn the computer off because i didn't need to talk to strangers when i've got a perfectly good family. I would like him to understand, even a little.

OP posts:

Bubble99 · 11/10/2008 23:21

Tiamummy. Can you tell him, from me, that the 'strangers' you're talking to have been through the same or similar things? How many people in your family have? How can your (grieving) family be able to talk about Tia's death?

If it helps, tell him that we're not a bunch of weirdos (well, most of us aren't ) and that we're normal people who understand exactly how you're feeling.

PeaMcLean · 11/10/2008 23:23

Oh tiamummy, so sorry for you.

Sometimes it's just easier to talk to strangers. Especially on the internet because it's all so anonymous. Look, we're just pixies in your PC. And you can open your heart to us in a way that you can't do with people who know things about you.

God I wish I'd had MN when I had my stillborn baby. Would have been an absolute godsend.

Bubble99 · 11/10/2008 23:27

mumsnet saved my sanity when my son died. The thing was I couldn't talk to people in real life because, as soon as I did, I would be in floods of tears. Here it felt safe. I could post, cry, walk away and come back to read the responses. And they all helped.

I totally understand the feeling you have of life carrying on as normal around you. I wanted to shake people and say "how can you go to work/go to the supermarket etc etc when my son has just died?"

Tiamummy · 11/10/2008 23:30

I think all i can do is just keep on trying. I'm so full of grief, and needing to talk when i can, and he is not talking very much. Everything is so hard at the moment, and i'm missing Tia so much it really does physically hurt. She was so wanted

OP posts:

MOrticiaAdams · 11/10/2008 23:36

Does he understand that you are not actually telling us where you are or what your names are? Maybe he's concerned you'll end up with hundred of us on your doorstep! Maybe you need to explain to him that you haven't got family to talk to and that's why you talk to us. It may cause a bit of shouting, but maybe that's what he needs to start sharing how he feels. Its all very well talking to your family, but lets face it, when you suddenly need to talk at 3am, who's gonna be there? MN, that's who.

onlyjoking9329 · 11/10/2008 23:38

we all deal with grief differently, none of it is wrong just different, some people want/need to talk other people don't, make sure you get the support that you want it will help you which will help your DH.
i don't know what it is like to have your child die i can only ever imagine it.
MN are a fab bunch who have been a huge support to me since my DH was DX with terminal cancer and when he died, they are still here for me, it is easier to talk on here than face to face or on the phone, no one can see when you are crying and you don't have to worry about upsetting people and protecting them from your grief like you do in real life.
would you like to tell us about Tia?

Tiamummy · 11/10/2008 23:48

I feel i need this for my own sanity and survival, but not at the risk of my relationship with my husband. I need him to try and see this as not being a threat to us because i think this can help me and hopefully that will help us. I'm having to remember to clear history each time i come on here
MorticiaAdams your advice is actually helpful, because the one thing i haven't said is that our personal details aren't on show, and something like that could make a difference to how he feels about this.

OP posts:

Bubble99 · 11/10/2008 23:55

Tiamummy. I don't want to judge your husband but you talking to us is not wrong, It is legal and it is not hurting anyone. Does he feel threatened because he knows that you want to talk about Tia but he just can't at the moment?

Either way, it is wrong that he is making you feel bad for getting your feelings out. Would he feel the same way if you talked to a counsellor arranged by your GP?

Bubble99 · 11/10/2008 23:58

Does he understand that talking to Tia's grandparents/aunties/uncles etc will be difficult because they have been affected by her death?

Tiamummy · 12/10/2008 00:00

I think most of this boils down to him not feeling in control, and i don't mean that he controls me, because he doesn't. I mean his personal control. Losing Tia was out of our control, so now keeping emotions small is him having his control over himself. I know what i'm trying to say but i can't find the right words. He's trying to contain everything.
I should turn this off and go back upstairs now before he comes looking for me. I appreciate everyones advice.

OP posts:

Bubble99 · 12/10/2008 00:03

I understand.

Try and get some sleep.

X

Marina · 12/10/2008 00:05

Have you both been offered any counselling support from SANDS or the FSID, via the hospital, tiamummy?
Talking about my stillbirth on here and to a bereavement counsellor kept me from going under. Dh painted the patio doors, over and over, instead. The year after we lost our son was very hard for us both. Does your dh understand that even if he doesn't want to talk about Tia to anyone just now, it is helping you?
I am so sorry your daughter died XXX

FangolinaJolly · 12/10/2008 00:07

Oh sweetheart xx I can only tell you that I have seen LOTS of grief reactions and both of you are seeking your own kind of grieving.Maybe at the moment any discussion of Tia's death is raw to him?If it helps with Mumsnetyou stay with it.Maybe you could print the threads at some point.Everyone grieves differently,so it is not that he doesn't want you to come on here it's just he cannot talk about it yet xxGive him time

MOrticiaAdams · 12/10/2008 00:09

Post tonight, whilst he's asleep and clear your history in the morning. Get the thread deleated even, if it would make you feel more comfortable.

Have another chat with him tomorrow. Maybe even tell him how wonderful MN has been for others. Sadly, there's plenty of threads to choose from. Explain that we are just a bunch of mums, with thoughts and feeling and heaps of support that you need, when he's snoring, but ultimately, we are just in a PC and no-ones going to do anymore than talk to you. Totally anonymously.

Evenstar · 12/10/2008 00:54

So sorry for your loss . I lost my DH in June, have a wonderful supportive family but find I can come here to offload the pain when it gets too much. My experience has been that I can't tell family and close friends the full extent of the pain, because it hurts them so much too. Please take comfort where you can, and hope that DH can understand if you need to grieve in a different way to him at the moment. Take care xx

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