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Pregnancy after a Stillbirth

(20 Posts)
LEWEI Mon 24-Feb-03 21:04:12

I found out on valentines day that i am pregnant, and dp and i are delighted but it is only six months since our son Lewis was stillborn. I am trying not to worry, but can't help thinking "what if i happens again". We know that it is unlikely and we want to enjoy this pregnancy. I am also very concious of the comments that have been passed about being pregnant so soon after Lewis's death. I know there are alot of people have been in this position any advice would be greatly welcomed.

Chiccadum Mon 24-Feb-03 21:10:43

I can't offer any advice but would like to wish you and your dp all the best and Congratulations

Katherine Mon 24-Feb-03 21:43:52

Lewei - no advise, just warm wishes, congratulations and cyber hugs. It doesn't matter what other people think - its what you feel that counts. This is going to be a scary journey for you but I'm sure you will have lots of support along the way. All my love.

sobernow Mon 24-Feb-03 22:09:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

giraffe Mon 24-Feb-03 22:14:27

Lewei,congratulations I hope this will have a happy ending for you. Please try not to think of others you are doing what is right for you, there is no 'right time', it is what you need for you to help you move on with your life. Lewis will always have a special place in your heart and is not going to be replaced ever ,but our lifes have to go on. My little boy died very different to your experience he was 2years old ,it is 19 months ago, I knew after a few weeks that I wanted to have another little person in my life and the thought of that happening is partly what has kept me going. We are adopting so it is all taking a long time.Lets hope we both soon will have little ones to look to the future with. Take good care, with love to you.

anais Mon 24-Feb-03 23:00:06

I can only echo what's been said already, sending more ((((cyber hugs)))) and best wishes your way.

WideWebWitch Mon 24-Feb-03 23:01:36

Congratulations Lewei I remember reading about Lewis on the other thread. I can't give you any advice since I haven't been there but try not to worry about what people think - it's none of their business! Giraffe, I'm sorry to hear about your ds too. All the best to both of you.

Demented Mon 24-Feb-03 23:01:48

Congratulations LEWEI and giraffe, I have no advice but just wanted to wish you both well.

bells2 Tue 25-Feb-03 08:23:23

I too remember reading about Lewis. Best of luck Lewei. I hope you get all the support you need.

Batters Tue 25-Feb-03 09:35:17

Oh, congratulations LEWEI, I remember reading your posts a little while ago, and am so happy that you are pregnant again. As others have said, ignore any ignorant comments about being pregnant. You know what is right for you and your family.

Giraffe, how exciting that you are adopting

I wish you both all the best, please keep us up to date with what happens.

Marina Tue 25-Feb-03 10:05:52

Apologies for the long post. LEWEI, I can imagine some of your feelings - we lost our son in a late miscarriage in August, and just THREE months later I found out I was pregnant. So I have had a few comments about the shortness of the gap as well and I know how unhelpful they are. I remember reading about Lewis too, I am sure you will know to disregard any well-meant comments about this baby "filling a gap" or replacing your beloved son.
I am finding myself very needy of support in my new pregnancy and I am fortunate enough to be getting a great deal of help from various quarters. These are some of the practical things I have done which have helped me get through the panics and the lows, apologies if some of these seem "obvious" or don't apply in your case:

- Contact the hospital you would hope to give birth at, and check out what additional support they can give to parents who have lost a baby. We chose to go back to where Tom was born because we got good support and people know how traumatic losing him was for us - you may prefer not to do this, always remember it's YOUR choice. Our hospital has a kind chaplain and an overworked but excellent bereavement midwife. Both have offered practical advice and lots of support. I have found that if you can be honest with the health professionals about your feelings they will usually rise to the occasion and envelop you with kindness.

- Are you in touch with SANDS ? They have leaflets and other publications which at the very least make you feel less isolated in your feelings about a new pregnancy, and they can, if you want, put you in touch with your local group. There you might find a one-to-one befriender who has experienced pregnancy after a loss, or a support group.

- I have found two books (Lanham: Pregnancy after a loss; Kohner: When a Baby Dies) really helpful. Carol Lanham also got pregnant soon after losing her first son, so she writes really well from that perspective. It's an American book so a lot of the advice about choosing a doctor is not really applicable, but it's still good. The Kohner is British, written in association with SANDS. It's extremely sad in places, but the chapters on getting pregnant again are also excellent.

- POST ON HERE! As often as you feel the need, LEWEI. Mumsnetters are fantastic. I don't know whether it is because it is easier to be honest here about how you feel, but the advice and support I've got from friends on this site has frequently been so much more sensitive than that from "real" friends and family!

I am so happy for you LEWEI, I really am, but I also know what a long and arduous journey you could be facing - if you are like me and others here it may be hard at times. I have found it almost impossible to give myself permission to be happy about our new baby at times. If you want to chat off-board about it at any time, get in touch with me via Tech.

Rosy Tue 25-Feb-03 10:44:22

That's really good news Lewei. I had a termination at 17 weeks 15 months ago, and am now expecting my third child (any moment now). I remember reading in books afterwards about people having lost children full-term, and wondering how they managed to cope with life at all, knowing how I felt. So I was really moved by your posts about losing Lewis. Please try not to worry about what other people think about you being pregnant again so soon - as Giraffe said, I don't think there's anything wrong in admitting that another child helps you get over the loss of the first, and it doesn't mean you've forgotten them. I hope you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy, and that you get support and understanding from the health professionals you meet along the way. Best wishes, R.

mindy Tue 25-Feb-03 10:58:00

Congratulations LEWEI on your pregnancy, and hope all goes well for you. Ignore those comments from people who have no understanding of your situation

Rosy, I did not know you were pregnant again, I remember your last thread following your termination and found your posts helpful following my own, Many congratulations, hope everything has gone ok in this pregnancy? love mindy

SoupDragon Tue 25-Feb-03 11:53:37

Congratulations Lewei!

I agree, ignore those people's comments.

Hugs

tigermoth Tue 25-Feb-03 12:28:10

Many congratulations lewei. I hope you get lots of support. Keep posting to let us know how things go.

bundle Tue 25-Feb-03 12:29:41

great news lewei, I hope the time passes quickly & as worry-free as possible

aloha Wed 26-Feb-03 11:29:05

Congratulations Lewei. It's wonderful news and I hope that as every day passes you can enjoy it even more. Giraffe, I am so sorry about your son. Congratulations on going for adoption and I hope it happens soon.

LEWEI Thu 27-Feb-03 14:14:03

Thank you everyone it so good to know that we have so much support. Giraffe i am so sorry for your loss i hope we shall both get the outcome that we deserve. I went for an early scan yesterday and we saw our little bean for the first time. I was quite uptight because the early pregnancy clinic is in the same hospital where Lewis died and it was the first time i had been back, it did'nt really hit me until last night and i had a good cry. I am not sure if i will have this baby at that hospital. I have made an official complaint about my treatment there so i don't know how they would deal with me. I am feeling quite positive today and i go back for another scan in two weeks. I don't think i will believe that i am going to have this baby until we are home and safe, does that sound negative? every now and then i get a little burst of excitement then i remind myself that there is a long road ahead for us and i feel guilty for being happy without Lewis, but we are lucky to have a second chance when some people are not so fortunate.

LEWEI Thu 27-Feb-03 14:20:18

Good luck Rosy i hpoe all goes well . Marina thank you, i will take you up on your offer in the very near future, i have read WHEN A BABY DIES and found it helpful in coming to terms with Lewis's death. I will keep you both in my thoughts.

Marina Thu 27-Feb-03 14:59:11

LEWEI, *please* don't feel guilty about being happy again after Lewis' death, although I can understand entirely why you might feel that way. I think it is so great you have positive thoughts about your new pregnancy, and it will help you a lot over the next months.
I have been told it is pretty normal to feel uncertain about a new pregnancy until your baby is born safe and well, so don't reproach yourself about your doubts either. (I am having a lot of them myself.)
Only you can decide how to proceed with the hospital in your circumstances. I guess it depends on whether your complaint relates to how one or more individual health professionals treated you and Lewis, or whether you feel their entire policy and procedure was at fault and there are more widespread problems with the unit. Even though I was lucky and my care was generally excellent, I was able to name a person I did *not* want involved in my antenatal care this time round, and my wishes have been respected and understood. I do at least hope that while you are a patient with them this time round, they are making a special effort to allay your concerns and treat you well. And they should certainly go out of their way to get you referred elsewhere with minimum fuss if that is what you choose.
Hope to hear from you soon and take care.

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