Am I becoming a pest?

[littleyellowbird]

Ok, I know each of us will experience and deal with grief in our own way and it's hard to generalise but I would appreciate your advice...

A month ago my nephew James was born, so very sadly he died during labour. Obviously my sister and BIL are in pieces, our family is devastated.

Last week I spent the day with them and they both spoke freely about James and some of their feelings. I want to go and see them again and have suggested a few days I can get over (we live 30 miles apart) and have left it open for them to see if they feel like me coming.

I'm getting the feeling that they want to shut themselves away and not speak to or see anyone at the moment. I text a couple of times a day, sent a couple of letters, offer practical help with their kids and have invited them to come on a holiday I have booked for next month.
She replies to my texts, sounding ok, she sounds ok if we talk on the phone...only I want to insist on visiting! I know my sister had a couple of very low days before I saw her last and was 'coping' better on the day I went. I'm not saying it was because I was there but maybe company and someone to talk to might help.

Now before I write this, I want you to know I am not comparing what I have been through one tiny little bit with what is happening to them. I had postnatal depression quite badly after both my kids. I went to a place I never want to go again and I felt the only way I could get through it was to shut off from everyone and deal with it myself, I thought no one could understand where I was. Everyone did leave me alone as requested and I was brilliant at smiling and saying I was ok. Looking back now I wish people had insisted on looking after me, I couldn't have dealt with people very well but I wish I had let them in.

I just don't know if grief is the same? Do I quietly insist on being in constant communication with my sister? Do I insist on visiting, even if it is just for a 10 minute cuppa? Or do I accept that they might need some time alone to deal with these awful, raw early days?

I'm wondering if my need to help, help, help is more to do with me coping with my own grief rather than with doing what is best for my sister. But I love her so and just want to make things better, though I know I can't fix this.

Ok, rambling on. If you have suffered a bereavement, should people have quietly insisted on constant brief contact even when you didn't feel like it? Or were you grateful that people backed off and gave you some peace while keeping in touch from a distance?

[fryalot]

have just read your post and am for you and your family.

I have no advice, but I wanted to say what a lovely person you are to be so worried about doing the "right" thing and trying to find what is best for them, being prepared to give of yourself and your time to help them is lovely.

Hope someone comes along and answers your questions.

xx

[maggie61]

sorry for your loss and sorry to hear of your dilemma, my little boy died just over 7 years ago, so thats where i am coming from on this. if i was you i would simply try and say what you feel to your sister, and take it from there. also what they feel one day will differ from the next.
from your post it is obvious you care so much for them and are grieving to.
life does move on and getting back to 'normal' not that normal will ever be the same again , it will happen.
i did nt have much family around for me, and only my mum ,and dh i felt could share what we were going through, every one else seemed to think best not to mention it.but i would of liked more people to of talked to me about him and show they wanted to help me throgh that time. i hope you can find the right balance for you and your sister.

[travellingwilbury]

Hi there

I am so sorry to hear about your nephew . This is such a tough time for you all and it sounds like you are trying really hard to do the right thing . My son died in 2001 when he was 14mths old so I can only say what I would have liked . To be honest planning a week ahead would have been too much for me to think about . Maybe if you told her what days you are free and then ring her the morning of the day to see if she is up for visitors . She will definetly appreciate the fact that you are making the effort . Is her oh off work at the moment ? If he is then maybe once he goes back would be a better time to drop in and see her .
I had a lovely friend who used to come and take me on pensioner days out ( her phrase ) . We would drive miles away from home and find a tea room or just a walk in the park and it did help me to get out .

Your sister has got a long road ahead of her and I am sure you are going to be a big help to her . As horrendous as the early days and weeks are , the months and even yrs ahead are going to be just as important .

[littleyellowbird]

Thank you for your thoughts. Maggie61 and travellingwilbury I am so very sorry to hear that your sons died. It's a comfort to hear someone who has been there saying you find a way for life to carry on, a different life though. There seems to be a gaping hole where James should be and I'm sure that feeling has never gone away for you. Your little boys will still be so very much loved and missed so much. Thank you for taking the time to answer my post on something so personal to you x

[maggie61]

thank you for your post ,it makes me smile and feel that if we share our thoughts it makes alittle bit of good come from our sadness

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Hi littleyellowbird

Am very sorry to read about your nephew James.

I think you've behaved wonderfully and your sister will appreciate your kindness. Not all people will want to do what you have done.

I was in a very similar situation to you some years back; in my case my friend's daughter was stillborn and had died during labour. I visited my friend regularly and kept in contact (I still do, we have been friends since secondary school). She was glad of it and many people in their community did isolate themselves away from them because they did not know what to say or how to help. She even had people crossing the road to avoid her.

You may find it helpful to talk to SANDS; their website is www.uk-sands.org. They are there to help bereaved parents and their families. I hope that your sister will make contact with them as well in time, they are of great help. I found them very helpful to talk to and they helped me a lot with my own grief feelings which themselves needed to be acknowledged.

Do talk about James and don't hide him away, acknowledge his all too brief life. If there are photos ask to see them. This will help his parents.

With best wishes

Attila x