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Can't cope with friend's new baby

(17 Posts)
DecafArabica Mon 28-Feb-05 20:19:59

My mate has just delivered a perfect, healthy baby girl, almost exactly 6 months before my miscarried baby would have been due. I don't want her baby, I want my own lost baby. And I am totally happy for her--and yet, so sad, jealous and upset too. Have just binged on chocolate ice-cream (thought I had conquered my compulsive eating habit) and feel thoroughly f***** off! I know people in RL would say they understand, and it's normal, and it's early days, but...I hate feeling this way...
I'm not completely isolated with these feelings as I do have a therapist to talk to. But I can sense that DH (who is totally busy with a very involving course) just hasn't the emotional capacity right now and my friends have their own troubles.

george32 Mon 28-Feb-05 20:52:40

Oh Arabica, no wonder you are f****d off, so soon after your loss. It is a really crappy feeling wanting to share in your friends happiness but then feeling so miserable that it isn't you.
My friend has just done her 12 wk scan and I really want to be happy and excited but felt so dreadfully unhappy (for my own loss) after finding out her good news. Dreading when she tries to show me the scan pictures let alone when she gives birth.
Do anything that makes you feel better at the moment (especially eating chocolate ice-cream).
Sending you lots of {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Canadianmom Mon 28-Feb-05 20:53:44

DecafArabica, I am sorry to read of your loss and that you are feeling unable to cope with your friend's baby. People in RL who have experienced a miscarriage may understand how you are feeling but it is not a great consolation really.
You are kind for feeling happy for her but it is perfectly reasonable to fell sad and upset as well. If she is a good friend she will understand how you are feeling and remain your mate by being compassionate. Have you managed to tell her how you are feeling? She is likely feeling uncomfortable about her happiness and your sadness and it might help if you can talk to her about your feelings. (I have been on both sides of this equation and I don't know which I found more unbearable.)
I don't have as much trouble with friends' newborn babies but I found/find it especially difficult to deal with friends who moan about falling pregnant by accident or not enjoying their pregnancies (because I am so jealous and they don't know how to appreciate a good thing.) I am babbling now...

motherinferior Mon 28-Feb-05 20:54:00

Of course you feel that way. I would too. I'm so sorry. xxxx

pedilia Mon 28-Feb-05 21:13:20


Earlybird Mon 28-Feb-05 21:20:50

Aww DA, it is so completely natural/normal to feel this way....but it's definitely not a good feeling (massive understatement). I think it's one of those hard, hard life experiences that you're just gonna have to go through with the knowledge that it will get better as time passes. Don't be hard on yourself for feeling the way you do - it would be completely bizarre if you didn't have those feelings.

Talk to us, talk to your therapist, talk to your husband (if he makes himself available), and talk to your friend if you can. Take it a day at a time, and put one foot in front of the other (emotionally), and you'll be able to come to terms with it. In the meantime, let yourself grieve, and don't feel guilty that you need to. Big hugs, and take care of yourself.

frogs Mon 28-Feb-05 21:37:30

DcA -- I felt just like this when I lost a pregnancy in between dd1 and ds. In my case I had a molar pregnancy (= complicated placental cancer risk), so wasn't allowed to even try and get pregnant for a year after the ERPC.

It was the hardest thing in the world, and while it was happening I absolutely couldn't look beyond it -- couldn't face pregnant women (wanted to hit them, actually), couldn't face babies, couldn't believe I would ever feel happy again, or have another baby of my own. I cried a lot, and drank a f**k of a lot of vodka. Oh, and took up smoking cigarettes for the first time since student days. Not constructive behaviour, but I guess normal under the circs.

It does get better, it really does. Hang in there. Wherever you go from here, at some point in the future things will be okay again.

DecafArabica Mon 28-Feb-05 22:15:32

Thanks for all the support and love. I think it's the angry jealous feelings that are hardest to admit to and therefore cope with. To be sad feels more acceptable as I have always had a real problem admitting to anger. But I can really relate to what frogs said about wanting to hit pregnant women! I obviously don't really, of course I don't, but I do. If you know what I mean!
Thanks for all the support. George, am also dreading seeing scans from next friend to say she is pregnant.
CMom, she's not a good enough friend for me to share exactly how I feel. We only started to get to know one another this summer, so our relationship was only in its infancy, and our DSs are a similar age.

Canadianmom Tue 01-Mar-05 01:46:42

DA, Understood. Sorry if it felt as though I was prying or sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong. I would imagine that she must suspect that something is making you feel uneasy. Did she even know that you were expecting? I have been in your friend's situation and I could not face my mate when our ds1 was born. (She had recently lost twin girls who would have been due around the same time as our son) Sadly, we never did bridge the gap and I alway feel badly when her name comes up in conversations with mutual friends.

mummytojames Tue 01-Mar-05 01:56:44

decaf i remember when i lost my son my best friend had a termination a week before they day he was due every body told me they understood but they cant understand unless they have been through it themselfs i remember feeling overwelming hate for her because she had the choice whether she wanted the child or not and some how i managed to stick by her
i hate it when people who have never been through it say they understand because they cant understand the only thing i will say is it will get easier to live with
with all my love

DecafArabica Tue 01-Mar-05 23:56:10

Thanks for all the support.

eemie Thu 03-Mar-05 11:14:28

Decaf, if I had to go through it again I would say to people 'I hope you'll understand if I ask you not to show me the scan'. It is torture in these early days and there are plenty of other people they can show it to.

In the same way if someone complained about their morning sickness, or whatever, I'd ask if we could talk about something else: 'I don't want to be unsympathetic but I can't talk about this, I'm sure you understand'. The reality is people are so caught up in their own lives that they forget quickly and they can be monstrously insensitive.

Eventually, though, it does get better. I love scan photos as much as anybody now and adore newborn babies.

DecafArabica Thu 03-Mar-05 11:36:55

I'm also really dreading hearing a close friend is pg because I will be so worried for them in case there is a problem. I know it's naive but despite being an older mum, I didn't know many people who had chosen to have kids and have no family to speak of so have come across v few pregnancies in my time. Until 2 of my friends had miscarriages, and I never used to think of scans as being any other than joyous occasions when you got the chance to see the baby moving around.

vala Thu 03-Mar-05 11:44:12

Oh Decaf, so sorry to hear about your loss and the feelings you are currently going through. It really is hard, but it will get better- believe me. When I was pregnant with my first baby a very good friend of mine was also pregnant with her first. She was just 7 weeks ahead of me. Anyway, my pregnancy ended in a stillbirth at 33 weeks. My friend went on to have her baby- beautiful health girl- just 1 week after we lost our little boy. God was I angry and so sad for myself. Obviously I wouldn’t have wished anything bad on her or her baby, (I was reluctant to tell her what has happened as I didn’t want to spoil the rest of her pregnancy for her). I just didn’t want to be faced with having to see her baby when I had just lost mine. We had such plans together. It took me 6 weeks to go and see her and it wasn’t anywhere near as frightening as I had imagined it to be. After all she was just a little baby. None of this was her fault.
Take care of yourself and take each day as it comes. Love Vala XXX <<<hugs>>>

wild Thu 03-Mar-05 11:48:25

know how you feel. I had to go to baby shower on what would have been my due date. Wept buckets afterwards. A year on I can look at scans and copy with baby stuff again. DS has a younger friend he is v protective of adn sometimes I think of what coud hve been when I look at him with her like brother and sister but only in a mildly wistful way. It does get better. The due date it a bit odd, then you start to let go. I think if you are pregnant again you would think of the loss too. It's part of your life but it is not always so raw.

Marina Thu 03-Mar-05 12:02:13

Decaf, I was told by SANDS veterans that dh and I should not expect to always be able to support each other in the aftermath of losing a baby...and that proved to be very true. I wonder if your dh is dealing with his sadness by burying himself in his coursework even more than he would normally. Not excusing him, but please don't feel your relationship is wobbling because he is not really in tune with how you feel...hope that helps a little. Mine had his effing patio doors for weeks after we lost Tom...sanding them, priming them...anything rather than look me in the eye and be reminded of what we had lost.
Give yourself up to feeling seethingly jealous, its normal and doesn't make you a bad person, everyone who's ever lost a baby will understand, just as others have posted here. And, as they all agree, the feelings become less raw with time. As Eemie says, be polite but frank about what you can and can't cope with. Then friends will know where they stand and if they have any sense will understand and respond compassionately.
I'm sorry to say that as far as I am concerned I never have quite got past the worrying irrationally about friends' pregnancies since Tom. I try to keep my anxieties well-hidden though...
Sending you lots of sympathetic [[[[hugs]]]]]

bundle Thu 03-Mar-05 12:04:59

brilliant advice, marina. decafarabica, i remember phoning a friend who'd had multiple miscarriages and telling her i was having dd2, it was v hard but felt it was better coming from me and sooner rather than later. i told her that i felt bad about it too, even though i was happy for myself. x

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