Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

MIL is dying...DH is flying out to her as soon as he can...should I go with DS or not?

12 replies

PussinJimmyChoos · 22/09/2008 17:33

MIL is in Middle East. DS - who is 2yrs and 4mths is the apple of her eye. She misses him like crazy.

DH found out last night that she has terminal liver cancer and its spread to her bile ducts. Prognosis is in weeks rather than months.

He is going as soon as he can. He thinks I should stay here with DS as would be far too stressful to have DS there and people would be upset, crying etc and not good for DS.

I will go along with whatever he decides as its his mum and I want the whole process to be done the way he wants it. However, part of me can't help feeling that it would be a huge tonic for her to see DS...I am prepared to go with him if that is the case.

What do you think? Would it be bad for DS to be around people crying? I doubt he would remember it....

OP posts:

Report

FranSanDisco · 22/09/2008 17:39

My dd was about the same age when fil died from liver cancer. She didn't see him as he died before we went - it was very quick . Dh wanted us there for the funeral and she has no recollection of the event now - she is 7 yo. FIL was almost like a skeleton when he died and I don't know if I would have wanted dd there. Could your dh see what the situation is like when he arrives and then perhaps discuss taking ds over to see her. It's a hard call isn't it .

Report

PussinJimmyChoos · 22/09/2008 17:42

Yes it is. There is the visa issue as well. Easier for me to be with DH and for us all to go at the same time iyswim...although I would be more than prepared to fly over on my own with DS if they wanted it, would much rather go with DH....its ultimately down to him....I wouldn't want to do anything to get in the way of the whole process - its a very personal thing and has to be done how the family wishes....

Am so though and selfishly a bit freaked at thought of coping for a few weeks on my own with DS - no family where I live...may try to take unpaid leave and stay with mum for a week or so...why make it harder on myself if I don't have to!

OP posts:

Report

Flier · 22/09/2008 17:44

I don't think DS will remember it and I think that if your MIL ould like to see him then you should go, but I also think you should have a proper talk with dh about it, I think the final say-so should be his.

Report

SoupDragon · 22/09/2008 17:46

I'd make all the preparations to go (visa, time off booked etc) so you can go at the drop of a hat.

Can you go and stay in a hotel so you are away from any stress? Your DS will be pretty much oblivious to any crying etc at that age and won't remember anything.

Report

Sparkletastic · 22/09/2008 17:47

Why don't you and DS go out with DH primarily as support to him? If MIL is up to seeing DS when you are there, and DH agrees, then that would be wonderful for her and IMO not damaging to DS as he is too young to remember this for long.

Report

PussinJimmyChoos · 22/09/2008 20:19

Have dicussed with DH. Have said that its his call and I'm ready to do what is needed. I can't do any more than that really. Tbh though, would prefer to go home to my mum as get twitchy about flying with DS but obv will do it if I'm asked. Have not voiced any of my concerns to DH as I'm trying to be 100% and strong for him but am very stressed.

Have only just weaned myself off of my anti d's for PND so this is a bit eeek....again though, DH is not seeing any of this. To him, I'm just calm and 110% there for him...

So pleased I can offload on here...what if it goes on for over a month? DH has work, we have bills to pay...

OP posts:

Report

Sparkletastic · 22/09/2008 20:22

Deffo go to your mum's if you and DS don't go with DH - you need support too. What does DH do for a living - any chance he could do some work remotely? Most companies fairly good on compassionate leave in such circumstances. Will he find out more at work tomorrow?

Report

PussinJimmyChoos · 22/09/2008 20:29

He works for the NHS...his holidays have just been renewed so he can use all of them up if he needs to but he's going to try and not go down that route and see what they say first. They are pretty good there so I can't see too much of a problem.

I'm feeling a twat though..I mean there are women out there whose DH's are in Iraq fgs and here I am quibbling about a few weeks fgs...am pathetic

OP posts:

Report

Sparkletastic · 22/09/2008 20:33

You are not pathetic at all STOP THAT NOW! I'd be in a right two and eight if DH had to go away for any longer than a few days and I'm not recovering from PND like you are. FIL works for NHS - they are darned good with compassionate leave (he had a lot of family tragedies necessitating long absences).

Report

PussinJimmyChoos · 22/09/2008 20:39

Aww Sparkle Really nice to know I'm not the only one that would be a bit eek! I have no family where I live either - all about 2 hours away from me. I'm profoundly deaf as well. Not that that compromises my care for DS in any way at all (lots of gadgets) but I do hate being in the house at night on my own for more than a few nights in a row..

OP posts:

Report

onlyjoking9329 · 22/09/2008 20:47

sorry to hear about your MIL, if you can't take DS could you make a video of him so that MIL can at least see him that way?

Report

PussinJimmyChoos · 22/09/2008 20:54

Yes we are going to do that. Am prepared to take him though if they ask for him. She doesn't know she is dying though. In the Middle East, cancer is so taboo and they just know that if she knows she is dying she will be in a terrible state about the house, who gets left what etc (they don't do wills over there) and so they have just told her its a gall stone....I can see the reasoning behind it but... They haven't told the rest of the family yet either which I think isn't quite the right thing as people need to be able to spend time with the person, say goodbye etc...but then, its nothing to do with me really..I can't interfere