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Since we lost my grandparents our family is falling apart

(4 Posts)
AmIWhatAndWhy Fri 19-Sep-08 11:45:00

I'm sorry if I ramble but it's quite a complicated situation.

My grandad passed earlier this year after a long struggle with cancer, it really brought my family together and we were all around him in his last few days and for my Nannan afterwards. Sadly she passed just a month and two days after him which came as a massive shock to everyone.

My family is very large and very tight knit, most of them live within a couple of miles of each other, excepting myself, my cousin in Japan and my uncle in New Zealand. But it's all starting to crumble.

We could see problems starting even at the wake, which was horribly sad. My aunt is a chronic alcoholic, has been given months to live and had been staying at my Nannans house where they were looking after each other. My mum and other aunt visited daily and basically cared for both of them in that month after my grandads death. We really hoped that this would shake my aunt into action, the family were willing to pay for rehab for her.

She came to the funeral utterly hammered, tripping over things and at the wake carried on sinking vodka, she was talking to old family friends and was an embarrassment, swearing, slurring and falling over. She has been drinking heavily since and is refusing all help. The saddest thing is her teenage daughter is about to go to uni knowing she may get a call to tell her her mother is dead.

This has utterly divided my my mum and her sibling (6 of them) between those who want to force her to get help, and those that are enabling her.

Aside from this issue, there is a huge row between two of my uncles, one of whom lives in New Zealand now. He and his wife lived with my grandparents until quite recently and it is thought that he 'abandoned them' for a better life when they needed him. (this view isn't shared by all). Something recently came out though which has furthered this resentment, my uncle had taken out secured debts (10's of thousands) against my grandparents house in his and his wifes name, had defaulted, and it was obviously kept secret. It was only discovered as court letters arrived at my grandparents house a week ago and my aunt opened them.

And there's more. One of my uncles has a daughter from his first marriage. For reasons I don't know this was kept a secret from most of the family until a few years ago (including my cousin, who has a half sister he only found out about at the age of 19). My Nannan had always been keen for us to get to know her and after her death we all got in touch with her. The only problem is people are terrified to tell my uncle about it. She has met with my parents, a couple of my aunts and her half brother and they are all very happy to finally get to know each other. When my uncle and aunt find out all hell will break loose, it's just another nail in the coffin for my family as I knew it.

It's so sad to think that the heart and soul of our family are gone, forever. Most of their children live orbitally around their house and it was always the meeting point for get togethers. Now that has gone.

What's most heartbreaking is to think how sad they would be if they could see what is happening. They truly were the glue that held us together, there to give sound advice and be the voice of reason.

I'm not sure anyone is strong enough to work things out.

AmIWhatAndWhy Fri 19-Sep-08 11:47:21

Oh dear I meant to namechange for this as it's quite personal and detailed.

AmIWhatAndWhy Fri 19-Sep-08 15:00:29

I know I'm not really asking any questions, but can anyone help me know how to deal with this?

BoysArrrrLikeDogs Fri 19-Sep-08 15:10:49

I am so sorry for your losses.

Part of me feels that they are all adults and you should leave them to make their own choices.

You truly do not have to join in, keep in contact with your cousins and step back.

The money issue is tricky, but again, not your problem.

Good luck.

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